Silent Film

“I didn't realize it was going to be so dark in here. And why is the theater so empty? You said the show starts at seven, right?”

“Yeah, the screen should come on any time now. Since it’s a silent film from the 1920’s, it won’t have special effects. Or actors that anyone would recognize. Or music. Or ‘lemons,’ as they used to say. Most people would consider that a virtue, though.”

“Isn’t the music your favorite part of a movie? That’s why you’re into all those old musicals?”

“I do love musicals, yes.”

“Then why aren’t we watching that one musical?”

“Which one?”

“The one they just released in theaters. You know, about those people who… it’s based on this true story, where… um… so this guy and his wife are living in France, and the guy, for some reason, decides to join the army. He’s completely unaware that his wife is falling in love with this other guy, and then... I guess that’s all I know about it. You’re the musical person, not me. But it got a seventy-eight percent audience score. Which is impressive, considering it’s a musical.”

“First off, I will not take your slander against my musicals. Second off, we’re watching this boring, music-less movie for the good old-fashioned histori-ism. Historicism. That one.”

“So it’s gonna be dead in here is what you’ve been trying to say.”

“Well, if you want to be cynical, sure.”

“Didn’t seem like the theater was expecting a crowd. Did you notice there were only two workers at the front?” 

“Yeah. Usually it’s three, at least.” 

“It was a guy and a girl. I wonder if they like each other. I kinda got that vibe from them. I mean, they’re working in an old historic theater together. Sounds romantic. And creepy.”

“Think this place is haunted?”

“I hope not. It probably is. What did you mean by ‘lemons?’”

“You know, like those warnings you used to see online, the ones that said that a story had ‘lemons.’”

“You mean like it’s sour? Like it’s gritty or something like that?”

“No! Do you honestly not know what I’m talking about?”

“No, I don’t. Is it one of those slang words from TikTok? What? What are you laughing at?”

“Nothing.”

“If you’re not gonna tell me, I’ll just look it up later. What I really want to know, why would they play this hundred-year-old movie if it’s not gonna make any money? They could be playing some other ‘historic’ movie that people would actually watch. Like, I dunno. Transformers.”

“Transformers?! Transformers is not historic! I have memories watching that in theaters! This theater, actually!”

“Well, you know what I mean.”

“How old are you, by the way? Is this date we’re on illegal? Is CPS gonna come in and arrest me?”

“That’s not how CPS even works. Are you going to answer my question?”

“What was your question?”

“Why are they playing this movie and not—”

“Oh! Yeah. They’re playing it this week to commemorate themselves. It’s their one-hundred-year anniversary, and this movie is the first-ever movie that was played in this theater. The people who watched it probably sat in these seats. Apparently it hasn’t changed all that much since the mid-1900s, when they added the bar. Besides the new screens, I guess. Those were put in several years ago. But for everything else… it’s what gives it that historicism. Which I’m pretty sure is the only thing keeping the city from bulldozing it.”

“They should at least put in lights that actually work. Don’t you think that’s like a fire hazard?"

"Yeah, no. A safety hazard, sure. I don't know about a fire hazard."

"Yeah! Because, imagine there was a fire in here right now. How would we be able to escape in time if we can't even see where we're going?"

"I dunno. Maybe, in that situation... and this is a stretch... there would be some other source of light that would help us see our way out. Maybe like a fire, if we're being really out there."

"And you call me the smart aleck. But don't you agree, that it could use some renovations? They can keep the looks while making it actually functional, right?"

“I spose it could stand a few updates. I bet the electrical system is junk. You could say this whole place is a fire hazard. Good idea for a date, don’t you think?”

“What I think is that you’re trying to murder me.”

“Oh? Why?”

“Cause in a silent film, no one can hear you scream! Oh, come on. Don’t look at me like I’m the dork in this relationship.”

“I’m not! I’m just… happy to be here with you. I’m already learning so much about you. Like the fact that you may be ten years younger than you say you are.”

“Pfft. Yeah. Right. You know, they say movie dates are horrible ideas since you just sit next to each other in silence for two hours. I don’t think this being an actual silent film helps. Plus, we can’t even see each other, since this theater hasn’t had working lights since the 80’s or something.”

“So you don’t like it?”

“No, I didn't say that.”

“Yes you did.”

“No I didn't. I was just talking. It’s nice just to talk.”

“Then you will like this date. I have this idea, for a game.”

“Okay?”

“Since we’re the only ones here, we can make as much noise as we want.”

“Look. We’ve been dating a while, but that doesn’t mean—”

“Stop it! Stop! You know that’s not what I mean. Holy smokes. And you pretend to be the innocent one.”

“I do not! I’m the one with the tattoos.”

“Oh, you mean like the bunny tattoo?”

“Jackrabbit! It’s a jackrabbit!”

“Hey, hey! Keep your hands to yourself before I call CPS!”

“Okay then, what is your game? Oh, the movie’s starting! No previews is nice. The seats kinda suck, but that’s a win. What was your idea?”

“Okay, so my idea for the game is… we have to come up with the character dialogue. Like a game of DnD.”

“D and what?”

“Okay. You CANNOT be—”

“Joking, joking. Put down your sword, you… elven warrior.”

“If you really must know—”

“I really must not.”

“—I am a Changeling who—”

“Lets ‘changeling’ the subject. What?”

“You know it’s bad when I can’t tell who’s the bigger dork between us.”

“You are. Not even a question, actually.”

“Okay, I’m the dork. And you can be the girl. The one who’s on screen right now.”

“You mean the woman.”

“Yes, the woman. My apologies. And I’ll be the boy, I mean the MAN, who is going to be sitting on the bench where she sits in about thirty seconds.”

“You’ve seen this movie?”

“Yes, I have.”

“Well that gives you an unfair advantage.”

“An unfair advantage how?”

“In the game!”

“It does not. It’s just improv. Ope, and here’s my cue. I’m jumping in. Try to keep up. A-hem. Hello there, ma’am. Are you aware that we are sitting in wet paint right now?”

“She’s jumping up… Wet paint! Oh no! I just… bought this dress. I’m not good at this. I feel dumb.”

“Well, you should! It says right there on that sign, ‘wet paint.’”

“That sign says ‘no soliciting.’ Can’t you read?”

“Actually, no. I quit trying to read after I failed the first grade.”

“Ha. That’s good. Then why are you holding a newspaper, sir?”

“I am holding a newspaper because… it has the image of a gorilla, and I love gorillas. Take a look for yourself!”

“Oh, my! Don’t laugh at me, I’m trying my best. Oh, my! A gorilla has escaped the local zoo! Whatever will we do?”

“Do you think it’s a bad thing, that such an intelligent creature escapes captivity? Have you no heart at all?”

“No, I do have a heart! That is why… I am angrily snatching the newspaper from you, so I can put it in the recycling.”

“I am grateful for this environmentally-friendly gesture! So much so that I will tell you my secret! It is I who escaped from the zoo! It is I who am the gorilla!”

“Audible gasp! Is that why you failed the first grade and cannot read?”

“I am afraid so. The system is rigged against me, for sure. What if we got away from it all? You and me against this gorilla-hating world?”

“Oh my! Now you’re grabbing my hand and leading me away! Where are we going, exactly?”

“Anywhere, Miss! We can go wherever we want to go. Do whatever we want to do!”

“What makes you think that?”

“Well… if an ape can be a man, why can’t a man, then, be an ape? What cages are there to restrain us?”

“You know, that’s a good point. There aren’t any cameras here, are there?”

“Cameras? Why, you mean those big boxy things? Surely if there were, we would see them a mile away!”

“So that’s a no, then. Your sweater is soft. Is it new?”

“Yes, it is. I got it for you.”

“For me?”

“Yeah. It’s your favorite color, right?”

“It is.”

“Good. I was caught between this one and this other, reddish one. But, um… I think we’re running off script.”

“We are. Is that okay?”

“Jeez, your skin… you’re even softer than this sweater. Yeah. I think that’s okay.”