Battle of the Dads

Jimmy’s dad bumped chests with Luke’s dad. Neither moved an inch. The combatants pressed their foreheads together, each stabbing a finger into his opponent’s chest. “Do you really want to do this? Here and now?” Jimmy’s dad practically spat the words.

“Oh, you beat your sweet a—” Luke’s dad hesitated, looking about. The children had formed a ring around the pair, chatting amongst themselves about the possibility of a duel. “…apples. You bet your sweet apples.”

Jimmy’s dad took a step backward and chuckled. “Nice save.” He stopped his blustering to observe the kids. The girls stayed at the far edges of the sandbox serving as today’s arena, waving fans over faces to stave off the brutal summer heat. The boys clustered on either side of the arena, gawking with excitement. Luke and his friends scowled at Jimmy’s dad…until Luke’s dad turned around. Then, the group bounced up and down, hollering like lunatics. Jimmy and his friends shared a similar enthusiasm. They pointed at their champion and cheered. Jimmy’s dad couldn’t help but smile at the gleam in his son’s eyes. Wait. Where were the other parents? Where was Ms. Tildon? Were they the only two chaperons at recess?

“Is there a problem?” Luke’s dad extended his arms outward as he and Jimmy’s dad circled one another. “Looking for your wife to swoop in and save you?”

Jimmy’s dad faltered, head swiveling in every direction. “Is she here? I thought she was at work.”

Panic hit Luke’s dad, his eyes going wide. He scanned the crowd. “Jerry’s not here too, right? Luke, is your dad here?”

“He’s right here!” Luke pointed toward the man in the sandpit.

“Oh, thank god.” Luke’s dad held a hand to his chest. “Had me worried there for a second.”

“You’re the one who started it!” Jimmy’s dad protested, throwing his hands into the air.

“I started nothing!” Luke’s dad hissed, stamping a foot into the sand. “Your son started it when he punched Luke. He’s been bullying my son all year.”

“Really?” Jimmy’s dad reeled backward. He nearly lost his footing as his heel hit the wooden framework of the sandbox. “The way I hear it, your son is the bully. He told the whole class Jimmy smelled like doo-doo.” The children – Jimmy included – giggled at that comment. Hadn’t Jimmy said the smelly comments made him upset? That kid was something else.

Luke’s dad waved a hand over to his boy. “Are you calling my son a liar? You’re the one who raised a little troglodyte, not me!”

“You son of a …” Jimmy’s dad licked his lips, catching himself just in time.

“Dad, what’s a trogo-whatsit?” Jimmy asked.

Jimmy’s dad turned his head to acknowledge his son. His lips curled upward before he remembered to be stern. He forced his face into a frown. “A very bad word. Don’t say it.” 

“No! Don’t tell them it’s a bad word!” Luke’s dad marched forward with his hands out in front of him. “Then they learn the word has power. You’ll never hear the end of it.”

“Butts!” Luke shouted, causing his father to wince. The rest of the children exploded with laughter.

Jimmy’s dad held up a finger. “Good call.” He cocked his head. “Then what do I say?”

Luke’s dad pulled out a phone from his back pocket. “There’s this really good podcast about raising a toddler up through middle school. Let me send you the link, and – wait a second!” Luke’s dad tossed the phone out of the sandpit. “Are we doing this or not?”

“Ah, sorry!” Jimmy’s dad straightened his back and regained his composure. He’d had enough. His son was counting on him to set a good example. To be an upstanding role model. He’d told Jimmy to fight back against bullies. What message would it send if he couldn’t fight this bully here and now? Jimmy’s dad bounded forward. 

“Fight! Fight!” The children started a crazed chant filled with hoots, giggling, and an aggressive number of incoherent noises.

Luke’s dad cracked his knuckles and marched toward battle. The pair got back into their positions, inches away from the other’s face. Then, they stopped short again – for the fifth time. “Should we really be doing this?” Jimmy’s dad asked. “Does that podcast say it’s better to teach them to stand up for yourself or take the high road?”

“Fight! Fight!”

Luke’s dad rubbed his chin, staring off into the middle distance. “Hmm.” His eyes narrowed and shot back toward Jimmy’s dad. “I haven’t gotten to that episode yet.”

“Fight! Fight!”

“Fine then.” Jimmy’s dad reached out a hand. “May the better man win.” Luke’s dad accepted, and the pair clasped hands. Good grief, Luke’s dad’s palms were slick with sweat. Now that he was thinking about it, his own hands were faring no better. Was this a bad idea after all?

“You got this dad! You’re the best!” Jimmy called out. That was all the confirmation Jimmy’s dad needed. He’d –

Luke’s dad threw the first blow. His palm collided with Jimmy’s dad’s face, sending a searing pain pulsing through his cheek. Ears ringing. World spinning. Jimmy’s dad stumbled backward, trying – and failing – to right himself. His vision blackened momentarily. When his eyes opened, Luke’s dad was waving a hand in front of his face. “Seriously man, are you alright? I can get the nurse.” He swallowed. “My hand slipped. I didn’t mean to –”

Jimmy’s dad roared and tackled Luke’s dad to the ground. The cheers, the kids, his son. All of it melted away. Was it the adrenaline? Or was it the concussion Jimmy’s dad was increasingly certain he’d sustained from that slap? Whatever the reason, his senses blocked out everything around him. Everything except Luke’s dad.

Jimmy’s dad pulled back his arm and readied his fist. Luke’s dad dodged the strike with ease, sand flying from the force of the impact. Luke’s dad rolled away and got back to his feet. He held his fists up high, but the fool’s stance was sloppy. Jimmy’s dad would make short work of him.

Without warning, Luke’s dad – disappeared? He vanished in the blink of an eye.

“You’re too slow.” Luke’s dad whispered into Jimmy’s dad’s ear. It sent a cold shiver down his spine. Then, a knee rammed into his spine.

Jimmy’s dad lurched forward with a yelp. He twirled to face his opponent, but Luke’s dad was already gone. Teleportation. He should’ve expected as much from the man who’d raised Luke – the little hell spawn.

Unfortunately for Luke’s dad, Jimmy’s dad had a secret too. His third eye opened, predicting his opponent’s next move. His psychic abilities were the perfect counter. Any second now, and Luke’s dad would...

Jimmy’s dad caught Luke’s dad’s leg. He used his opponent’s momentum to toss him to the ground. He grinned. His ninjitsu training had paid off. He moved to slam a foot into his opponent’s backside. He’d won. That was until Luke’s dad buried his forehead into the sand and stood on his head. He spun and spun and spun. This wasn’t any ordinary breakdancing. He was creating…dear god.

Howling winds turned the sandbox into a devilish tornado with Luke’s dad at its center. The torrent of pressure transformed the sand into countless shards of glittering glass. Glass that was aimed directly at Jimmy’s dad. Luckily, he was bulletproof, and if bullets couldn’t pass through his flesh, glass wouldn’t either. He charged into the eye of the storm, shielding his eyes. Any moment now, he’d see Luke’s dad, and his iron fists would pound the man into dust.

An invisible force ripped through Jimmy’s dad like a tsunami. He felt a rib crack as Luke’s dad’s telekinetic powers blasted him across the playground. Jimmy’s dad slammed into the monkey bars. The bars bent and groaned. Jimmy’s dad groaned along with them. He stood and spat up blood. This was going to be tougher than he’d anticipated.

The tornado subsided, revealing the glowing ball of energy that was Luke’s dad. Nuclear fusion? That wasn’t possible. Jimmy’s dad had trained his whole life, and he was certain no one could ever master this technique. He was certain, right?

Fear gripped Jimmy’s dad and coiled around his wobbling legs. Luke’s dad bellowed, absorbing power from the planet life around him. The grass turned brown, then black. The trees withered and died. The ground shook as if a hundred earthquakes hit the school yard all at once. The aura of energy surrounding Luke’s dad grew and grew until it blotted out the sun with a light brighter than a thousand stars. Luke’s dad blasted forward, screaming like a jet fighter. This was Jimmy’s dad’s last chance. With his son’s pride on the line, Jimmy’s dad dug in. Deep down in the pit of his soul, he searched for the strength within. He thought of nothing but Jimmy’s smiling face – and how elated they would both be after today’s victory.

Luke’s dad connected with Jimmy’s dad, and a nuclear explosion rocked the planet. Cities. Continents. That evil rabbit Jimmy’s mother insisted on feeding in their backyard, despite it ruining their petunias. They atomized in an instant. As the dust settled, Jimmy’s dad was still standing.

However, as his vision cleared the afterimage of the explosion, Luke’s dad came into view. Unscathed.

“My body is made from bomb-resistant carbon fibers.” Luke’s dad smirked and blew ash from beneath his fingernails. “Immune to all damage.”

Jimmy’s dad panted, placing hands on knees. His shirt had disintegrated. His muscles ached from the effort of standing. His body was broken and bruised in a thousand places. He was on his last legs. Or at least, that’s what he wanted Luke’s dad to think.

Jimmy’s dad lifted his head and struck his most heroic pose. “Carbon fibers?” He puffed out his chest. “My hands are made from adamantium. The only substance that can tear through carbon fiber.”

“No way…” Luke’s dad’s look of shock said it all. He knew it. Jimmy’s dad knew it. The whole world knew it. This fight was far from over.

Luke’s dad pulled out a laser cannon. Jimmy’s dad formed a protective shield with his mind to deflect the blast. Jimmy’s dad pulled out a rocket launcher. Luke’s dad ate the missile and belched fire. Luke’s dad called upon all the sharks in the seven seas to attack in unison. Jimmy’s dad opened a portal and summoned a T-rex to defeat them. Jimmy’s dad sucked all the air out of the atmosphere. Luke’s dad grew gills, and therefore, had no need for oxygen. Clearly, both men were evenly matched.

Jimmy’s dad punched Luke’s dad into the stratosphere. He flew after him at lightspeed. The pair soared through the cosmos, trading blows. This continued for hours. Weeks. Years. With each hit, the men grew stronger, fueled by the love for their sons – and the overwhelming desire to avoid being called a loser, or worse yet, a wimp.

Jimmy’s dad and Luke’s dad shed their forms as mortal men. They were titans, hurling planets as easily as they blew their noses. Their punches obliterated galaxies. Their battle cries shattered realities. They moved so fast, the fabric of space and time bent at their whim. Gods wept at the mere sight of them. For they knew nothing could challenge Jimmy’s dad nor Luke’s dad ever again.

Jimmy’s dad was growing weary. How many solar systems had he snuffed out? How many blackholes danced in his belly? How many phone calls from the office had he missed? He could keep going for millennia. Eons. But did he want to? Perhaps his wife was right after all: he never did learn to let things go.

Jimmy’s dad held up a trembling hand. “Let’s stop!” He struggled to take in air – mostly because they were still floating through outer space, and not at all because he was tired.

Luke’s dad looked equally exhausted. He halted, lifting his head to let out a long sigh. “Good lord, I thought you’d never ask.”

“How do we end this?” Jimmy’s dad asked, genuinely concerned about how his wife would react to him destroying half the known universe.

Luke’s dad shrugged. “Well, we’ve gotta have a winner. So, we’ve gotta keep fighting.” Jimmy’s dad nodded. He wasn’t arguing there. Luke’s dad pursed his lips and tapped at the dimple on his chin. “Maybe…”

“We put all our power into one, last punch!” Both men spoke the words straight from the other’s mind. Were they both telepathic too? It was starting to seem like an awfully strange coincidence.

Jimmy’s dad tossed the thought aside and steeled himself. “All our strength?”

Luke’s dad grinned and moved his neck from side to side. “All of it.”

Neither said another word. Instead, they bellowed war chants so masculine, Zeus himself felt self-conscious. They shouted and yelled until each was blue in the face…and sufficiently ready to attack the other. Jimmy’s dad closed his eyes. He prayed Jimmy could see him now. He’d bought that telescope last Christmas for a reason after all. He’d show his boy how you dealt with a bully.

Jimmy’s dad opened his eyes, exchanging one, final nod with Luke’s dad. The men shot forward with a thunderclap. The world became a blur. At any moment the end would come. At any moment, the victor would be crowned. At any moment –

The school bell rang. Jimmy’s dad and Luke’s dad stopped just as their fists were about to crest into the other’s face. They turned and watched as the children sprinted back into the schoolhouse. Their hands fell to their sides. Ms. Tildon ushered the kids inside, shaking her head at the sorry excuse for parents who were battling in the playground.

Jimmy’s dad rubbed the back of his head and waved at Ms. Tildon. Luke’s dad did the same. Ms. Tildon did not wave back.

“I swear, she’s got a rod permanently stuck up her you-know-what.” Luke’s dad grumbled, crossing his arms.

“Right!?” Jimmy’s dad faced his former opponent. “But look.” He pointed toward Jimmy and Luke. The boys were standing shoulder to shoulder, each gloating about their father’s performance. They laughed and patted each other on the back.

“We didn’t too bad after all.” Luke’s dad nodded his head, a prideful smile working its way across his face. “You know, I told my husband –"

“You needed to give Luke a more masculine role model?”

“Exactly!” Luke’s dad snapped his fingers. “How did you know?”

Jimmy’s dad placed hands on hips. “Because I told my wife the same thing. And do you know what she told me?”

“You’re being toxic!” Both men spoke in unison.

“You know…” Jimmy’s dad extended his hand. “I don’t think we met on the first day of school. I’m Randy.”

“Todd.” Todd grabbed Randy’s hand and shook. Both men gripped the other’s hand tighter and tighter before releasing. They looked down at their bruised palms and bellowed with laughter.

Randy wiped away a tear. “Say, Todd? Want to grab at cone at the ice cream place across the street?”

Todd patted his belly. “Of course! My husband has me on a diet right now. No dairy.”

Randy pointed toward himself. “No red meat for me. Wife’s orders.”

Todd grabbed Randy’s shoulder. “Then we should go to the steakhouse too before school gets out. You in?”

“I’ve never been more ‘in’ in my life.” Randy wrapped his arm around Todd’s shoulders, and the pair walked out of the sandbox and toward the start of a beautiful friendship. Each with their head held high at a job well done. Their sons would never be disappointed in their dads for the rest of time.

Todd pointed toward the side of Randy’s face. “You’ve got a bit of T-Rex behind your ear. Need help getting that?”