A New Me

Content warning for mentions of diseased children, drug usage, and murder. Please read with caution, stay safe, and happy new year! 

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I don't know him. I don't think I ever will. I don't know who he is or where he comes from. I don't know what he wants or who he works for. But I know that he must die. 

Some say that's a harsh conclusion to come to, and I agree to some extent. But I have never been so sure of something in my entire life. I've lived through countless indecisions, ones-that-got-away, amazing life-changing opportunities- all because of that sneaking unsure feeling in the pit of my stomach. Anxiety has gotten the best of me too many times. I've held myself back from the things I knew I could do. Things I knew I could be great at! And look where it got me: living my worst possible life in the worst possible reality. 

Now that I’ve miraculously made it where I am today, I’ve seen this guy every new year. Every single time, 

 I’ve seen him enter this alley. Every single time, I’ve never seen him leave. But now I know why. 

He must die. 

The rain hitting the diner roof is almost noir. I feel eyes on my back, watching in black and white as someone with a silky voice tells the audience about my bouncing leg and my fingernails raw and bitten down to the bed. The waitress tells me that the diner closes in ten minutes and she really needs to get home. I nod in understanding and stand, sliding her an envelope with her name on it.  

"It's a gift," I say, "Don't open it until you've clocked out and left the restaurant. Stay safe." She picks up the envelope and smiles. “I mean, you can have a peak if you want, just don't let the cameras see." I wink at her as the bell above chimes, marking my exit. 

I lift my watch to see the time. 11:50 pm. I suck in a deep breath and take my place next to a dumpster behind the diner. The full trash bags are stacked high enough to hide my silhouette from any incoming figures. I stuff my hands in my pockets, feeling around for the knife I managed to snatch from the kitchen while the waitress wasn’t looking. 

Footsteps click on the concrete ground and my grip tightens on the handle. I hear them getting closer and closer, echoing off the brick walls and piercing my eardrums. My heartbeat pounds in my ears and I see the shadow come into view. It's now or never. 

I step out from behind the dumpster and into his path. He pauses and starts to step to the side, mumbling a sorry as he attempts to walk past. I step into his path again and he grumbles. Seems like he’s been down this road before.  

“Uh, okay? You need something?” He asks. I feel him looking at me with judgement in his eyes. “If you want money, just tell me how much you need.” My blood runs hot through my chest and into my hands. No wonder someone kills him every year. This guy is such a prick. 

"I just want to say I'm sorry,” I start. “I really fucked things for both of us. This has to happen in order for things to get better." 

I feel his gaze soften. "Dude, whatever you're going through, we can talk about it. I have no clue who you are, but I want to help you if you're struggling. Is it money? Or people after you? I can help, man!" 

I shake my head and bite my lip. "Nah, man. This isn't something we can fix with money. Not even you can fix it. We tried that already." 

"You're really confusing me with this 'we' stuff, man. Come on, let's go inside and talk about this. Get you out of this rain. Besides, no one should spend New Year's alone-" 

My knife slides into his chest quickly and there's little noise except for a shocked inhale. My hand clasps over his mouth just enough to pinch his nose close with my finger and thumb and I can feel him gasping for breath against my palm. I guide his body as it slowly sinks to the ground. I slide the knife out as I lay him down on his back. He looks up at me and doesn’t have time to get a word out before I stab him again. And again. And again. 

He deserves the pain. He deserves to hurt after what he did. What I did. I sink the knife in one last time and clutch the handle, my head sinking as quiet sobs make their way through my gritted teeth. I lift my head up and take a deep breath, sniffling as I move backwards to press my back against the alley wall and slide down. 

"So... this is where I die, huh?" I say to myself after a moment of silence. A wave of calm washes over me as I look over at the body lying sprawled out on the muddy ground and find my own dead eyes staring up at the sky, frozen in shock and etched with confusion. Yeah, I'd be confused too if I was killed by someone who looked just like me. 

I rest my head against the hard brick wall and close my eyes, taking a deep breath. I think about the waitress and the relief she must feel knowing she can make rent for one more month. I think about our life before and how I ruined it before I ended up here. 

Before, she was my wife. My lover, my best friend, the mother of our child. Now? She's out on the street with a dead child, missing husband, and a drug problem that I caused. I let our child get sick with my carelessness and I will never forgive myself for the terrible things I've done to my family.  

But I will do better this time. In this timeline I will make things right. I’ll take care of our child. And I’ll take care of her the way I should have from the start. 

My watch beeps and a little spurt of confetti rains down on me. I look up to the apartment building on the other side of the alley and find a few people cheering on the roof. I didn’t notice them before now, so they probably haven't noticed me or the body lying in the shadow of the dumpster. As I get up and stretch, I look over at myself one more time. Clean suit, nice hair, trimmed beard. He looks like everything I could have been if I hadn't hesitated all my life. I bend down and retrieve everything out of his pockets. Wallet, loose change, a pack of my favorite gum and the wrapper of some sort of candy, along with some professional-looking pens that belong to a corporate office. I open the wallet to once again see myself and my full name on the driver's license in the clear pocket. Only then do I think to rummage around and find keys.  

Now having everything I need to start my life anew; I make my way out of the alley and see the waitress- my wife- closing the door to the diner and turning the lock. She notices me a little too quickly, as if she was expecting me. 

“Oh, hey again! Happy New Year! Thank you so much, by the way. Thanks to you, I’ll be able to keep a roof over my head for at least another month.” She smiles at me, clutching the envelope in her hand. 

“I know. That’s why I did it. Happy new year.” 

I smile and turn away but feel a hand grasp my arm. “No, sir. I don’t think you understand. Thank you.” 

I get the sinking feeling that somehow that body in the alley has fucked this reality too. She brushes my wrists and I look down to see that my gloves are still on and blood coats the palms. I look up and meet her eyes as I shuck them off, fold them and put them in my hoodie pocket. 

She slides her arm to link with mine and we start walking down the sidewalk. 

I don’t bother hiding the body. He’ll be found one way or another and there's no way that anyone could pin me to the murder. Soon enough his face will disappear and no one will have known who he was. I don’t think anyone ever will. No one will know who he is or where he came from. They won't know what he wanted or who he worked for. All they’ll know is that he’s dead.