The rollercoaster that is life

age 10

Today me and my sister went to the carnival in our city. It was great! I rode the Ferris wheel for the first time and I was not scared of the height. My sister made fun of me so I had to do it. Because I'm not scared if she is not. I also ate cotton candy. I love cotton candy. I wanted more candy but my mom said no so I couldn't. Tomorrow we are visiting our granny. I hope she cooks something for us.

age 12

Mom just told me that granny died. I was kind of expecting it. She has been sick for a long time. I'm sad that she couldn't cook for us one last time. I always loved her cooking. I didn't appreciate her as much as I should have. I hope grandpa is doing ok. Granny's death got him really down, obviously. Mom said the funeral is on Monday and I can stay home from school that day. But I told her that I hate missing school and I would be fine. I hope I'm right.

age 13

I met Henry today after school. Emily said I had to. The only problem is I don't like him that way. I told her and him that before but both would not listen to me. He tries to do something to me. I don't know why but I ran away. I guess I'm scared.

age 14

Henry is an asshole. He won't leave me alone. I tried telling him off but he always comes back to me. Emily said I just had to let him do the "thing" but I don't want to. Why won't he just leave me alone. Actually both of them. Emily can go to hell with him.

age 16

Mom got me to a therapist after I told her what happened with Henry. I guess I need it, if I want to live a normal life. A relatively normal life. She also talked to Henry's mother, but she would not listen. Mom plans to go to court. I don't like to be asked about it. Gives me flashbacks. I hate that.

age 18

College is actually better than I expected. We found a good therapist in the city and my roommate Cara is really nice. She let me chose a room and when I told her that first I am a lesbian and secondly I had panic attacks regularly she was really supportive of both which I really appreciate. I think I had enough complications in my life for another twenty years. Moving in was a struggle, but since it's only a half an hour drive away from my mum's house it wasn't too bad.

age 25

I just moved in with Cara. We finally got enough money together to get a small flat. It's just a ten minute walk away from the cafe I work in and her work is not far away either. I think I might tell her in a few days. I feel like she could return my feelings. But I'm not entirely sure. I'm just scared of what will happen when she doesn't like me back. I mean we still live in a flat together and all that so it could get rather awkward. Who am I kidding. Any minor inconvenience could send me in a downward spiral, which I could not get out alive.

age 28

She said yes I can't believe it. I had the ring for over half a year now and I finally got the courage to do it. It was not that romantic. We were cooking like every Friday. I just stood there and watched her chop the onions. And then I realized something. Things don't always have to be big and romantic. So I tapped her shoulder and when she turned around I was already on one knee. And she said yes I still can't believe it. God I sound like a thirteen year old.

age 30

We just adopted her. It was so complicated, but worth it. Her name is Elisa. I didn't even realize that she has the same name as my Granny until I told my mum about it. It may have been my subconsciousness, but who knows. Honestly Elisa is the biggest angel. She is so sweet and cute and I just love her so much.

age 35

My sister just called. And I think I might end it all today. Mum has cancer. She is able to start therapy in a few weeks, but the doctors give her a maximum of two years. The problem is that I can't leave now. Elisa is starting school in a few months and I could't leave her alone. I hope that I can figure it out together with Cara and of course my therapist. Cara is trying to spend a lot of time with me and Elisa, to mostly keep me busy. I'm really glad I am in this with her.

age 45

My mom is officially a superhero. She lived longer than any of the doctors had said she would. Ten years. Elisa is really strong. I could not imagine living with a grandma that is in therapy and that you can only see any other Tuesday.

age 46

She was a superhero, but not invincible. Again I am not surprised. The only good thing is that I got to see my sister again. Her husband is a sweetheart. I am really surprised at myself that I didn't spiral down again. I am still kind of waiting for the fall and I will be kind of skeptical, but I really hope there is none this time.

age 60

Looking back at my old journal entries, I felt nostalgic and I wanted to write one last entry. Life really wanted to test if I was worth anything in the beginning. Well take that sucker. I am now as happy as I will ever be. My daughter has grown up to such a wonderful adult and to be honest I wouldn't have it any other way.