Secondes

Warning: Contain mentions of suicide

21:37:35

I hope the kids are doing well. I haven’t been able to see them for quite a while now. I wonder if they still think about me occasionally. I still remember the last Christmas we spent together. It was a pretty memorable occasion. We had decorated the entire front porch. It was illuminated so brightly that we were a better light source than the street-lamps outside. I remember the smile on Kevin’s face. It was one of the few times I ever saw his smile. He always had it tough being the eldest in the family. I never made it easy on him either. The eldest always ends up being the guinea pig of the family. I always wanted him to do the best, to set the path for the rest of the family. Unfortunately, our relationship did not end up being the best. I always pressured him to do more, to be better. Looking back, I realised I was being very harsh on him. I should have sat down, been a listening father. I was too caught up in making him do the best that I forgot that he was human too. I would be first to admit that I was a bad father to Kevin.

I also remember Rachelle’s laugh. I could never forget her laugh. It was the most beautiful thing in the world. Her laugh always made the household much brighter. She was my precious daughter. Since young, I always doted on her. I gave in to her wants way too much. I definitely spoiled her too much. She was the apple of my eye, yet it was never enough for her. I only have myself to blame for that. I wanted her to have everything and tried to do everything and that was the issue from the start. I gave in too much to her and now I pay the price. Once I stopped being able to please her, our relationship soured. I hate how close-minded I was, regarding her upbringing.

My dear wife, Margaret, was a queen amongst women. She had prepared this scrumptious meal for Christmas. I remember looking at her and wondering how I got this beautiful woman into my life. I still remember the first time I saw her on my university campus. I had no words to describe her. She was just breathtaking, and I just stood there, awe struck. She happened to have been in the same calculus class as me. I walked up to her after class and introduced myself to her. From then on, we started hanging out more and talking. Eventually we dated and from then on, we never looked back. Married under the sun in the Caribbean and we had our honeymoon. Yet, from then till now, something happened. I am not sure where it started going wrong. We started drifting apart. I stopped feeling all the love and care that I used to receive all the while. We stopped kissing each other when we were going to work. We stopped sending each other messages to check on each other. I still have no idea what the cause was. That was when I committed the most atrocious crime one could commit. I broke the trust of my significant other. I cheated on her. It happened so fast that night. I barely even remember it. All I can recall is seeing the life drain out of my wife’s eyes when I confessed to her. She stared at me coldly as though I ceased to exist. In that moment, I knew it was all over. I could not repair this relationship. We tried to make it work but eventually, the strain was too great, and she left with the kids. I was all alone. The loneliness was unbearable. I lost everyone that I had loved and cared for. Why was life this cruel towards me? I was not an evil person by nature. I only made a few mistakes.

Do I have regrets? Definitely. I would be a fool to say I have no regrets. Some part of me still wills to go back in the past and see the warning signs before it was all too late. I was immature and I was blinded. Blinded by what? I have no idea either. I seem to still lack the answers to the reasons behind my actions. Yet, I know if I could go back in time, I would change the way I reacted to the situation. I would care for my son. I would raise my daughter well. I would love my wife and retain her trust. Yet here we are now. This seems so surreal, looking back at it all. I never knew life could throw so many curveballs at one person. Even till now, I cannot accept that the fault lies within me. I still accuse life and fate as the major reason behind my sufferings.

I have come to terms with the fact that life is such a beautiful thing to behold and treasure. Yet, some people, like me, do not make the most of it. We lose our sight and fail to appreciate what matters to us most. We fall for the simplest of temptations and lose out in the long run. We see the curveballs being thrown, the tell-tale signs and symptoms. However, we choose to ignore it, choose to run away, choose to be the coward. I am the coward and I have owned up to it. Yet, instead of making amends, I ran away from my problems.

Coroner’s Report

Identity: John Nurberry

Age: 38

Race: English

NOK: Margaret Nurberry (Separated)

Cause of Death: Apparent suicide by jumping off the building. He had jumped off the 70^th floor of an office building. Paramedics concluded he suffered instant death when he landed on the pavement. Reason for death is still unknown. We suspect that it may be related to the recent separation he had with his wife. Police investigations are underway.

Time of death: 21:37:45