Home Front

I have lived in my head for as long as I know. In my head, I am fearless and strong and not being yelled at, or forced to do things I do not want to do. There's a universe in my head and in it, I'm pretty awesome. There was enough love in that universe too, love that builds up others and doesn't tear them down. There's heartbreak in my world too, but you heal to come out stronger and tougher, but there's always love.

Maybe Dad has a favorite among us girls and I'm his least, but in my world, I wouldn't be needing anyone's love, because I've got me. In my world,we all tend to find love inside of ourselves first, so there's enough to go around. . I don't wait for night to come so that I can hide my tears in my pillow and talk to shooting stars. Or think of all the comebacks that I could have made instead of staring speechless and appearing pathetic amidst everyone else. I guess I just have a lot of inner strength to hold on even when I don't have to. Or I'm just plain stupid. That's what everyone tells me, especially at home.

"Temilorun!" I hear my mother's voice from the backyard where she was pounding yam. She had been muttering some obscenities that put me on edge because I knew I would get the brunt of it.

We eat pounded yam every Sunday afternoon, and it was my turn to wash the plate. Although washing the plates should be between I and my younger sister, but it is always my turn, even when it's her turn and I dare not complain.

"Are you deaf? Or you want to tell me that you didn't hear me?" Mother yelled while still pounding the yam.

Oh, such language is normal around here. The only time mother ever speaks with calm affection is when she wants something from you, or when she's sick. It's usually the latter.

"Do not make me come for you. You have it coming already." She continued.

I stood up from the bed and dragged myself to the backyard. I knew what she meant, I had broken three plates within a week, and I wasn't going to live it down. Even while performing my basic chores, I am living in my own world, so I tend to be absent minded.

Times like this, I am tempted to ask her why she only sees my fault. Why I was the one responsible even when my sister broke the plate . Okay, those things sound minor to you, but it's the minor things that are aggravating the most. My sister's can throw tantrums and refuse to do their chores, and the next thing they do is call the house door mat. Me.

I do their chores and still never get a thank you for it. Nope. Instead I get dubbed names that I have refused to think about.

I hurried to assist her in dishing the pounded yam into plates and setting the tables. She ignored me for a while , but I knew it wouldn't last. And right as I thought to myself that I just might have escaped this, she ruined it.

"God, of all my children, I don't understand you. You just have to work at a snail's pace all the time. Stop being sluggish and get out of my way. If you continue like this, you'll never amount to anything in life. I'm just telling you the truth, time waits for no one."

Last week Sunday, she told me that I was stinking and that I would be a society reject. It didn't occur to her that I already bear that title and I don't think it had anything to do with body odor as much as it had to do with social skills and interaction. We all have our flaws, so why is mine the biggest?

At this point, I try my hardest to block her out, and my veins pop because I just want to burst out and ask her why she does this all the time, every day, and almost every hour. I live in the effect of her words and when I turn to my siblings for comfort, they scoff and scorn. Each of them wants to be better than me, but I'm not even good at anything in the first place. They all get their share of the scorns and hurtful words but does that mean we cannot comfort each other? I do that for them all of the time.

Was I adopted? I asked my diary in the night. What a depressing day, even the stars are a no-show tonight. Everyone just seems to want to leave me. Zero friends, and zero support system. So I asked myself the next logical thing.

Say.....if I take my life, will I be missed? I laughed at the thought in my head. I can imagine the five minutes silence on the assembly ground and the sadness of my family, but life most definitely wasn't going to halt. Then I must make the life halting decision to start speaking for myself and see where that gets me.

I get bullied both inside and outside home that I don't have a backbone, but not anymore. Sometimes, chickens grow wings overnight. And I most definitely am growing my own wings now.

I am going to start with my dad, who is never home, but finds time to judge me. Or my sisters who sit around to discuss my weaknesses. I am going to start right at home, because it's their words and actions that hurts the most. The people who are supposed to be my support system unconditionally, but are the emotional demons in my life, then I'm going to give whatever it takes to stop them. That's how I win, by fighting with words, not dying.

Later the next day, I heard my mum report me to my Dad. I anticipated when he would call my name. And he did.

"Temilorun!"

I rushed out but couldn't find my voice. I listened to his insults and dispicable words and remained quiet.

"Not tonight." I told myself "tonight I'll just pour it out into my diary. After all, words are words either they are written or said."