Special Delivery

We were entering hyperspace when we got a ping to our dashboard: 

“Greetings. Your next delivery will be on the planet Kalgon. When you arrive, enter the Visitor’s Center to pick up the package and await further instruction.”

We landed our ship at the given coordinates and looked out at the desolate landscape.

“Who could we possibly be delivering to out here? I don’t see a soul,” said my partner Adam, eyes darting around.

I shrugged. 

The Visitor’s Center sat atop a large boulder, the only structure that could be seen for miles. 

“Well, this is new,” Adam quipped.

“They certainly didn’t prepare us for this in mailman school.” We both laughed. Everyone knows that mailman school isn’t real; we got our training at Mailman University. 

We entered the lobby where there was the typical Visitor’s Center fare - a gift shop with T-shirts that said things like, “My wife went to Kalgon and all she brought back was this stupid shirt”, a map with pins to indicate where you’re from, and a bathroom. 

We weren’t exactly sure where we were supposed to pick up the package, but we figured the gift shop was better than the bathroom, so that’s where we went. We approached the counter and started talking to the clerk. Luckily, we had our handy dandy translating device to help us communicate with other planetary beings. 

“Hello, we were sent here to deliver a package,” Adam spoke slowly into the device’s microphone. It spat out his phrase in the clerk’s native language, which was a series of clicks and beeping sounds. We weren’t sure whether that was the language or if the device was malfunctioning. 

“Hello Earthlings.” The clerk responded in English, with an accent that we couldn’t quite place. 

“You speak English?”

“A little,” he said, pinching his fingers close together as the universal sign to say barely. 

The rest of the conversation continued using a mix of speaking English, utilizing the translating device, and hoping to God that the being behind the counter understood our body language and gestures.

“I understand.” He nodded and walked through a door behind him.

When the being was out of earshot Adam turned to me and said, “I’m not sure he understands.”

Adam had done most of the heavy lifting in the conversation, so I was more lost than he was. 

A few minutes later, the being returned with a box the size of a loaf of bread. I wondered if there was a loaf of bread inside because I was famished. 

“Is there a loaf of bread in the box?” I asked the being.

He responded, “I am not privy to that information. Now, I just need you to sign here and here.” He pointed to two dotted lines for signature.

“One more thing,” the clerk said, holding up one finger. “You’re going to need these.” He gave us each a headlamp with a few extra batteries and a glass of milk.

We both looked at each other, confused.

“For Vitamin D,” he gestured to the glass of milk.

“Uh-huh. Are we supposed to drink this now?”

“If you wish.”

We both turned away from the counter to have a private meeting. 

“I don’t know how I feel about drinking this strange milk,” I said, with trepidation. 

“Well, what do you suppose we do instead?”

“You’re right, let’s drink it.”

“That’s not what I –”

I immediately started chugging the milk, or what I assumed was milk, before Adam could finish his sentence.

“Ah, refreshing!” 

“Why yes,” the clerk said, as we turned around to face him again. “This milk is reserved for travelers who are unprepared for the darkness lurking beneath. It’s from our finest goats.”

Okay, so at least it’s milk from a familiar animal, that’s good.

“What do you mean, darkness lurking beneath?”

“I think that’s pretty self-explanatory, sir.”

I put my hand on the side of my face to cover my mouth as I turned to Adam and said, “What the hell did we get ourselves into?”

“Ixnay on the ‘I’m scared and want to leave’-ay,” he said, gesturing his hand to his throat, as if to say cut it out. 

I backed down. At this point, we both agreed we were going to complete our mission. We finalized the paperwork and headed out with the box.

“Safe travels!” The being waved as we walked away, out into the great unknown. He seemed optimistic, so we were too. We opened the doors and stepped out into the abundant sunshine provided by the planet’s two suns. Little did we know, we wouldn’t be seeing the suns’ light again for a very long time.

Inside the cave was an entirely different world. It wasn’t desolate at all, but filled with creatures of many different shapes and sizes. Some walked, some crawled, some flew, and some seemed to not move at all. We both wondered how these creatures could thrive down here in the darkness. We figured we had entered a city given the amount of hustle and bustle happening around us. We even saw a big city square like you would see in many Earth cities, with lively storefronts and beings playing instruments. The acoustics were terrible, but it was a fascinating sight. There was still some light shining in from the outside to help us see, but otherwise we were reliant on our headlamps and the glow from a few seemingly radioactive creatures.

We walked over to the first shop we saw and read the sign. “Ye Olde General Store,” I read aloud. “I guess this is as good a place to start as any.”

When we walked inside we saw dry goods and sundries, as well as some basic food items. There, we interacted with yet another being behind a counter.

This is becoming a bit of a pattern, I remarked to myself. 

This time, the being truly didn’t speak English, probably because he doesn’t work at the Visitor’s Center or see many tourists. We showed him the box, and only then we realized that on the box was written the word “FRAGILE” in big, black letters. The delivery address was a typical house number you would expect to see on a package, with a street name and a zip code. However, the return address was simply, “Home planet.”

“I wonder what that means,” I said, pointing to the return address. We both ignored it for the moment.

Through the use of our translation device, we were able to get directions to the address. 

The cave system was convoluted, so we listened intently and repeated the directions back to him so we could be sure to remember. We bought a few snacks for our trek and went on our way, thanking the kind being for his hospitality. 

We walked down the path leading out of the city square, further into the cave. We made a few turns based on the directions we were given, and we were feeling good until all the sudden the passages became narrower and there was no more ambient light. At first, we figured this was normal as we were meant to deliver the package to a residential neighborhood, less traffic and all that. That was until we came to a T and neither of us could agree on which direction we were supposed to go. 

“Dave told us to go left at the T.” Adam seemed sure of himself. 

“I don’t know… I thought he said right.”

“You weren’t paying attention - you were buying granola bars and playing cards!”

I looked down at my feet. He was right, of course, but I wasn’t going to admit it. 

“Fine, we’ll go your way,” I huffed and started walking to the left. 

“Good choice,” he smirked and followed. 

We kept down the same straight path for what felt like hours. We had to walk single file because there wasn’t enough space to walk side by side. 

“Adam, are you sure we were supposed to be going straight for this long?”

I didn’t get an immediate response. I stopped and turned around to look at him and he was forlorn. That’s when I knew - we were hopelessly lost.

“We should’ve bought a map at the stupid general store!” I exclaimed, folding my arms across my chest. “That’s one of the first things we learned at Mailman University, and somehow we both managed to forget.”

“I’m sorry, there was a lot to take in and I was overwhelmed. It must have slipped my mind.”

“It’s not your fault, we both made a mistake.” I tried to calm both myself and Adam down. 

We took a few minutes to think. Adam broke the silence and said, “I can’t believe this planet has 2 god damned suns, and we’re stuck down here in this dark, damp cave.” He was pacing with his hands formed into fists.

“Whoever sent us down here must have a sick sense of humor.”

We continued on for what was probably days, if not weeks. We drank the water that dripped from the stalactites, or was it stalagmites that came down from the ceiling? I always forget. I prayed by now my eyes would be used to the darkness, but alas, human evolution got me again. I spent a lot of time wishing, imagining, even fantasizing, that I was a bat, just to pass the time and not go crazy. Luckily, our headlamps still worked because of the extra batteries we got at the Visitor's Center, but I was stuck looking at nothing but Adam's shadowy face and slick rock walls. I swear my bones started to hurt, and I was convinced I was going to get rickets from the lack of Vitamin D. I’d hobble around, bowlegged, and Adam would have to fly the ship. Oh God, I thought, we need to get out of here before it comes to that.

At a certain point, we thought about marking the package as undeliverable. That’s what we normally did when we couldn’t find someone’s residence. It would be returned to the sender and that person would have to come down here and deliver it themselves. However, we were advised that this package was of the utmost importance, and we had a duty to deliver the mail, per our oath.

“Maybe we should open the box and see what could be so important inside.” Adam had nearly given up at this point.

“But you and I both know that’s a federal crime. We could get arrested.”

“Do you see any police?” Adam opened his arms out wide and looked all around. 

“No, I suppose not… but what about our oath?” 

“We can ask forgiveness when we get back to Earth.”

We both did the Sign of the Cross before the grand unveiling. Spectacles, testicles, wallet, watch, I whispered to myself so I could remember what I was supposed to do with my hands.

“What?” Adam asked, wondering what I was whispering. 

“I said spectacles, testicles, wallet, watch.”

“I don’t… what??” He seemed more confused than before. 

“You know, to remember the hand movements,” I said, as I went through the motions again to show him. “Spectacles, aka head; testicles, aka torso; wallet, aka left shoulder; watch, aka right shoulder.”

“But… how do you remember which one is right and which is left?”

“I don’t know, I just do!” I yelled because this conversation was asinine and I wanted it to be over.

Adam stared silently.

“Let’s just open the box, yes?”

“Okay…”

We both stared for a few more seconds before we realized we didn’t have a way to cut through the tape.

“God damnit!” I yelled and threw the box on the ground. 

We sat down, not caring about how wet our mail carrier-issued pants were getting from the soaked rock. We were exhausted. We barely had the energy or will to concoct a plan for how to open this god forsaken package. Then, it was like a lightbulb went off, unfortunately, not literally. I remembered the playing cards I bought at Ye Olde General Store, which I thought we’d use to teach Kalgoners (Kalgonians? Kalgonites?) how to play rummy. That plan clearly wasn’t in the cards (no pun intended), so I thought we could use them as makeshift box cutters. 

“Hey Adam, let’s try using these playing cards to open the box.”

“How the hell do you expect to do that?”

“I took origami as an elective at Mailman University. I’ll just fold them into some sort of shiv that we can use to cut the tape.”

He seemed skeptical, but we didn’t have much of a choice at this point, so he gestured for me to go ahead and try it. I went through about half the deck before I finally made a good, strong tool that would open the box. 

"I think this should do it," I said, swinging the card around like a kid playing with a foam sword.

Adam nodded. "The moment of truth."

We both took a deep breath and started opening the box.

As soon as we peeled open a corner, a bright light shone out, almost blinding.

We looked at each other, then back at the box. Simultaneously, as if reading each others' minds, we exclaimed with exasperation, "Oh, what the f***?!"