Monkey the Bird (Trigger Warning: Animal Abuse)

Lorelei awaited the delivery driver. Every year, her aunt Sharon sent her something eccentric for Christmas. This year planned on being the same. A strange gift no one knows what to do with was Sharon's forte. In the previous years, Sharon sent Lorelei a fur coat. Lorelei lived in Arizona. A 14 carat gold penis necklace, Lorelei would never wear anything like that and if she did, where could she wear it besides a bachelorette party. Aunt Sharon also sent the delightful combo of a pole dancing gingerbread man on a candy cane and a twerking reindeer. None of which Lorelei could ever use.

This year presented itself to be masterfully outdone when a delivery driver holding a covered cage stood on her doorstep.

"Merry Christmas, Lady, he's a talker. Chewed my ear off from Pittsburgh."

Lorelei cringed.

"What is this?"

"My guess is whoever gave this to you, hates you. It's a Yellow Naped Amazon Parrot. He's got quite the mouth."

"My aunt sent me a parrot?"

"I guess. Good luck."

"Wait! How'd you know what type it is?"

"My aunt raised parrots. I kinda got fascinated by the process. From the looks of it, it's a boy."

"Can I get your name, in case I need help?"

"Juan Carlos. Have a great day, Lorelei."

Lorelei set the cage down and lifted the drape. Inside, a green bird with a yellow swatch on his neck stood on a perch.

"Hiya, I'm Walnuts. You're cute."

Lorelei looked at the bird.

"Hi, Walnuts. I'm Lorelei. I guess I'm your new friend,"

"Walnuts wants a cookie!"

Lorelei googled information on the bird.

"I can't give you a cookie but I can give you a banana."

"Ooh, never ate that." Walnuts says.

Lorelei peels a banana and feeds a bit to Walnuts. Walnuts chirps and sings happily.

"Banana, banana.." Walnuts sings.

"Oh, ya liked that, huh?"

"Yeah!"

Enclosed with the cage, a note from her aunt.

"Rory,"

"I hate it when she calls me Rory."

"Walnuts hates nuts." The bird says.

"Walnuts hates walnuts?"

"Walnuts hates all nuts."

"I'll remember not to give you any nuts then."

"Okay."

Lorelei reads.

"Rory, This is Walnuts. He'd been given to Uncle Walter and I. Honestly, I can neither care for him nor care about him. He's wretched. He squawks all the time. Has the worst vocabulary ever and bites your uncle. Please take care of him for us. By the way, he has a few unsavory habits that need remedying before he can be a proper pet.

Ciao for now, Lovey! ~ Aunt Sharon."

Lorelei looked at Walnuts.

"Did my aunt name you?" Lorelei asks the Bird.

"Yes, No like name."

"What name would you like?"

"Monkey."

"You like the name 'Monkey' huh?"

"Yeah!"

"Fine. No longer will you be 'Walnuts'. From here on, you're gonna be 'Monkey'."

Monkey chirped and sang.

As the time went on, Monkey and Lorelei grew to be inseparable. One night, Lorelei brought home a date named Ryan. Monkey didn't approve of Ryan and Monkey showed it.

"I'll be right back, Ryan. Make yourself at home."

Ryan stretched out on the couch. From the covered cage came a shriek.

"Jesus! What was that?"

"What was what, Ryan?" Lorelei asks.

"That screech. What was that?"

"Stay away from my mama." Came from under the drape.

"Monkey!" Lorelei said, pulling up the drape.

"Monkey? You named the bird 'Monkey'?"

"Yeah, what's wrong with it? It's what he chose to be named."

"The bird chose the name. That's hysterical. The bird's stupid. It can't name itself."

"Yes, I can, Moron!" Monkey squawked.

'No, you can't and Lorelei's stupid for naming you Monkey."

Fluffing his feathers, rearing back, Monkey latched onto the hook of his cage and opened the door. From there, he flew out swooping and diving down on Ryan.

"You stupid bird! I'll get you!"

Monkey nipped at Ryan's open hand before Ryan slapped Monkey out of the air. Monkey fell to the floor.

"MONKEY!" Lorelei yelled as she scooped his body into her arms.

"Get out!" She said to Ryan.

"Gladly, you stupid bitch. Do you know how many women would want me? Thousands."

'Then go be with them and leave me and my bird alone!"

Lorelei placed Monkey in a box and zoomed to a twenty-four hour vet. There, in the waiting room, she saw Juan Carlos in a lab coat.

"Hello, Lorelei. What's wrong with Walnuts?"

"His name is Monkey. I invited my date home and Monkey didn't like him. Monkey escaped his cage and my date hit him out of the air. Is Monkey gonna be okay?"

"Let's take a look at him. You did good putting him in a blanket and in this shoebox. There's holes in it already. You kept him warm, yes?"

"Absolutely. Monkey is the best friend I ever had."

"Good to hear. Let's get him back to check on him."

"I didn't know you were a veterinarian. How did I not know?"

"I'm a vet tech and I don't let on about my actual job when I'm doing a favor for someone. I hoped to rehome Walnuts. See his actual owners abandoned him when they couldn't care for him. Your aunt and uncle came to the shelter looking for a bird. They saw Walnuts and took him. When they realized he was a handful and a half, they gave him away."

"That explains a lot. No one really wants me either."

"I find that hard to believe. Walnuts took to you right away. He's very distrustful of humans."

"That makes two of us, Little guy."

"Maaa." the bird said.

"I'm right here, Monkey. I won't let any bad people hurt you again."

"Head hurts."

"Is he gonna be okay? Please tell me he's gonna be okay?"

"He's gonna be fine. I'm gonna let him stay here for a day or two in a heated incubator to see how he feels. In the meantime, we have your information. We'll let you know if anything changes."

"Please don't let him die."

"I won't."

Two days pass as Lorelei receives a phone call from Juan Carlos.

"How's my baby boy?" Lorelei asks.

"He's good. Antsy and bugging my colleagues but good. How about I drop him off when I'm done at the clinic?"

"You'd do that for me?"

"Absolutely. You seemed so worried about him."

"I love the little feathered freakazoid. He's my baby,"

"Good. We'll see you later."

"Okay."

That night, Lorelei went to her door and Juan Carlos arrived with Monkey in a brand new cage.

"Mama!" Monkey squawked.

"Hiya, Baby Boy!"

"He did well."

"I like doctor. He's nice."

Lorelei looked at Juan Carlos.

"I like him too."

Juan Carlos came into Lorelei's house. Over the next two years, they saw a lot of each other as significant others. One night, Monkey flew to Lorelei's shoulder.

"Here, Mama. From Papa."

"What's this, Monkey?"

"Marry Papa. He loves me." Monkey says.

"He loves you but does he love me?" Lorelei asks.

"With all my heart." Juan Carlos says.