Two Paths Diverged

Laura arrived at the bus stop in Urbana at 7:30 to board for her 8 o’clock trip to Chicago. As she nestled into her seat, she leaned her head against the bus window and stared out into the darkness of the night. She was alone, and on her way to visit her cousin in Minnesota. She had never visited her in college before, and they had made plans for her to go out there to see each other. Their aunt and uncle who lived out there was going to pick her up at the bus stop in St. Paul, and they were going to go the Mall of America, and then they were going to drive them back to her cousin’s college. Laura had turned down her Mom’s invitation to go with her to their Great Aunt’s funeral in North Carolina. She didn’t want to spend the weekend with her Mom at a funeral even though she was so sad about her Aunt Mary passing away. She always enjoyed her Aunt’s visits to their house. 

            Her eyes were starting to feel heavy, and she fell asleep to rhythm of the bus traveling on the highway towards Chicago. As the bus came to a stop in downtown Chicago, Laura gathered her belongings and braced herself for the cold windy November night. Her next stop was the “L” station, and she was headed to Belmont. She walked fairly quickly down to the L station and as she approached the boarding platform, she knew the train was due in one minute. She could already hear the train pulling around the tracks. She waited on the platform for the passengers to exist the train so she could board. She was very determined to stay on track and make it to her next destination, the Belmont stop. She found a sit with no one sitting next to her and nestled her backpack on the floor by feet. This trip would be about 15 minutes. Before she knew it the train was calling, “next stop Belmont on your left”. It was just a recorded voice. No one, other than herself and person she was meeting, knew where she was and what she was doing. It was just her. Laura lifted up her backpack and made her way to the train doors. As the train came to stop, she felt nervous about meeting him. He had promised to be waiting for her at the exist of the L station. The doors of the train opened, and Laura found herself walking onto the train’s elevated platform. Right across the way, she could see the rooftops of the apartment buildings and the lights from the shops below. She would have to take the stairs on the right and head down towards the street before she would be able to see him. She pushed the poll on the exist wheel of the L station and to her relief there he was.

           “Hi, Eric”. She raised her voice so he could hear her over the sound of the street traffic. She caught his eye and saw his hand raised in the air. As she got closer to him she could hear him say, “Hi Laura, how was bus trip in?”

           “It was pretty smooth, and went by pretty quickly, thanks.” She replied. He had opened his arms for just enough room for her to push her body up against his for a comfortable hug. She was proud of herself, and thought to herself, that wasn’t too bad of a trip and I did it.  I made it into Chicago and here with Eric. 

           “My apartment’s pretty close, about a 7 minute walk from here.”, said Eric as he led the way down the street. They walked about three blocks from the train station and up into the apartment complex, briefly talking about her plans for the next part of the trip into Minnesota. “Well, here it is.”, he said as he turned the key into the lock. The door opened up into the cozy sitting room area with white couches and a small kitchen with a bartop counter. As he brought her inside, he gestured to sit on the couch. He said his roommate was already sleeping and that they had to be quiet.

           She joked with him, “Oh yeah, you’re in the real world now, working and having to be on time, and making money. No more college hours for you.” Deep down she realized that he had changed. He was no longer that college senior that she had hooked up and hung out with just last May. He was responsible.  Responsible and Eric were two words she thought would never be in the same sentence. 

           “I have to be up early tomorrow to head to work, what time does your bus for Minnesota leave?”, he asked as she settled herself down on the couch. 

           “8 am, I’ll probably have to head out around 6:30, if that’s ok?” 

           “Oh, yeah that’s perfect timing.”, he replied. “What’s new? What’s happening at wonderful U of I?” he asked jokingly, and a gentle smile crossed his face.

           She knew he didn’t need to find out that kind of news from her. He still had plenty of friends from his frat house that was now seniors, and he was in pretty close contact with all of them. She knew what he really meant; how was she doing? 

She remembered the times she would find herself in his room after a night of drinking with her friends in the frat house. He would be chilling in his room, and somehow she would find herself wandering into it. She would be just drunk enough to freely be able to say what was on her mind, and, if he played his cards right, just drunk enough to end up hooking up. The occasion only happened a hand full of times but enough times to know that it could happen again. She enjoyed being close to him and hearing him talk about family and friends, his goals in life, and his idea of what life was all about. 

The last time they spoke in such an intimate setting, he had mentioned that her life wouldn’t be so confusing or that she probably would be happier if she quit drinking. She had judged him that night. She remembered thinking to herself, how could he judge my drinking? Every time I see him, he’s drinking too. She was still in her college prime, she still had a lot more drinking to get done . . . a lot more parties to experience. There was a two-year gap between them. There must have been something that he saw in her that she couldn’t see in herself. Laura knew that when she drank, there could be a point during the night that would lead her to cry uncontrollably, and anger would be unleashed. Where did it come from? She would think to herself the next day. Why would she be happy and fun one moment, then the next be so uncontrollably sad and angry and pushing people away? It was in those moments that she would let Eric into her life. Confide in him her deep pain, that only came out when alcohol made it impossible for her to keep inside.

There really wasn’t much time to visit. Laura knew she used the excuse of going out to Minnesota to meet him in Chicago. She planned the bus ride into Chicago, just to be able to spend the night with him. She was curious to see what it was like after graduating. She couldn’t see her life past graduating college. Heck, she was already in her junior year of college and still didn’t know what she wanted to major in. U of I was such a big campus with so many different options, and she had so many different interests. Deep down she was lost inside, discontent, unhappy, disconnected, and undecisive. She thought seeing Eric would bring her hope and clarity of what “after college” would be about. He was happy and responsible. He seemed to have his life together. He doesn’t drink as much, he’s enjoying being part of real society. How’d he do it? she wondered in her mind. His apartment didn’t seem like the frat house at all, she guessed that his roommate did most of the decorating.

She wanted to tell him, I’m drowning and miserably, and I don’t know how to make myself feel better. Instead, she was just in awe by how well he was doing; he had graduated college, had a job, and had an apartment. He was moving forward in his life and she was drowning. She was getting ready to hit her bottom, getting ready to lose herself. She wanted to ask him, how did you do it? How are so happy and successful? What could she say to him that night, to let herself be heard?  He was just a kind friend that was letting her stay the night. It was getting late and not much was said. She wondered why he even let her stay that night at his apartment between bus trips. She could have stayed at her parent’s house just 20 minutes outside of Chicago, and had her family drop her off or take the L from there to head out to Minnesota. 

           “Are you ready to go to bed?” he asked after she had gotten out of the washroom.  He could sense that she was tired, and he had to work tomorrow. He told her, “you can sleep in my bed with me if that’s ok?”

           “Sure, if it’s ok with you.”, she replied. She really didn’t think about where she was going to actually sleep. Maybe he offered his bed because he didn’t want his roommate to wake up to her sleeping on the couch.

           “Of course, it’s ok with me. I wouldn’t have let you stay tonight if I wasn’t ok with you sleeping here.”, he turned to her with a smile on his face. It was a boyish smile, one that she recognized. He really did have a good heart and a trusting heart. He led her to his room and closed the door behind her. She quickly undressed, without feeling awkward or embarrassed. She felt comfortable. She got under the covers into the bed next to him and wondered if he was going to try and have sex with her. She thought it was odd that he hadn’t even mentioned sex or tried to get physical with her. It’s not like they hadn’t had it before. She always felt the sexual tension between them, the caring and the desire. Laura felt unsure about the relationship part, but not the sex part. She thought he was attracted to her enough to want sex, why else would he let her spend the night, what guy doesn’t want sex, but would let a girl just sleep in his bed next to him untouched?

           He lay there next to her, trying to understand why Laura was always a mystery to him. Why is it that she had extremely happy and pleasant moments and yet a sadness about her that would just linger in the air? She was so beautiful and yet so wild at the same time. She was a girl that couldn’t be owned or controlled. Also, a girl that if she kept living her life this way would lead to misery and loneliness. She had so much to offer this world and yet the darkness and pain in her soul would lead her down a path of self-destruction and those closest to her would be left destroyed and hurt in the wake of her storm. 

           “Laura, we’re not going to do anything tonight, I promise. We are friends, and I don’t expect anything more than that from you.” He let her cuddle close next to him, and he could hear her let out a sigh of comfort and contentment. Laura felt safe lying next to him. Her body was relaxed and she drifted off to sleep. 

On the walk to the train station the next morning, she wondered to herself, what did she say to him that night, that she behaved in a manner so unlike herself? It was one of the first nights she slept with a man and wasn’t touched. It wasn’t sexual at all. Did she show him the real her that night or maybe nothing profound happened that night; however, she left that next morning knowing that she would probably never see him again, and she didn’t know why. Did she even say goodbye?  The bus left so early in the morning, that he was barely awake yet when she headed out the door.

 She took the “L” to Dearborn and walked to the greyhound bus stop across from Union Station. She got on the bus feeling calm. She found her seat and leaned her head against the window and fell asleep. 

In her mind she thought to herself, she had no business going out to Minnesota to visit her cousin in the state she was in. She was a drunk, out of control, miserable, lonely, and self-destructive. All the same, she let the bus take her up north into the cold. She was no longer the person that Eric knew from U of I, she was changed, and she was set on a different course. One that she couldn’t hide from, one that she couldn’t find her way out of. A path that her only option was to walk through it.