WELL, THIS IS A PICKLE

The build up had been amazing. The prenup was signed, the dress was bought and the tuxedo had been fitted. Now it was the day you'd been waiting for; the wedding between yourself and your one true love, Anne Guillaume. It was one hour before the wedding. You were excited, nervous and worked up for the honeymoon, all at the same time. You were seeking for the minister but were stopped in your tracks by your wife to be.

"Hey, babe, I know it's bad luck to see your fiance before the wedding but, and be honest, is this dress too short?" Your mouth hung open, your eyes bugged out and you were dumbstruck and speechless. Anne stood there, clad in a neo-flapper dress cut to miniskirt length, white thigh highs plainly visible. She wore a thong and her well formed cheeks were popping out to say hello. You finally gathered yourself and spoke.

"No, my little flapperette, that dress is perfect." You went in for a kiss but were met by a cold response. You thought nothing of it, though, as most couples are petrified on their wedding day. "I'm seeking the minister. Have you seen him?" Anne kissed you, with a warmth that had been missing previously, and motioned towards the fellowship hall. As you walked away you thought how wonderful your life was to be.

#

"So you see, Reverend, she and I met at a strip club in Vegas while I was there for my brother's wedding. She and I hit it off immediately and now it's marriage time!" You were sounding for all the world like a teenager and the Reverend laughed nervously.

"A stripper? That explains the dress." You smiled widely. Your girl, your Anne, had been a stripper. Now she was to be your lover, your friend and your wife. You danced gleefully to the snack table and grabbed a cup of coffee. It was 50 minutes before paradise was to be yours. You downed the coffee quickly and headed out to confab with your best man.

#

"Hey!" Your best man cried, embracing you. "Today's the day! You dog you!" Gene King, your best friend since high school, was as happy for you as you were for yourself. He'd been with you in Vegas that fateful night when your future wife appeared in your life wearing little more than a smile. He'd almost fallen for her but, upon seeing the tears in your eyes, the tears that said your loneliness was finally over, he chose to take a backseat to you.

"I know, it's wonderful! She's the light of my life!"

"And the fire in your loins?" Your smile turned wicked even as your cheeks turned red.

"Yes. She is that in spades. Now" you continued, "if you don't mind I'm going to check on the DJ." The sudden look of darkness that crossed Gene's face gave you pause. "Gene? What is it?"

"Nothing. Today's the day that all becomes wonderful for you. Good luck!" You embraced Gene and hugged him close, praying that he'd soon find the love you'd discovered. As you looked at your watch you saw it was 35 minutes to go.

#

The DJ was setting up and you were watching with glee. Years ago the movie 'Groove' had been your favorite and in it your favorite DJ had been Forest Green. Now there she was in the flesh, preparing to spin for you.

"Hi!" She cried, her smile lighting up the room. "Are you ready for the big day? Are you ready for the I do's?" You both laughed at this and your smile nearly split your face. "Why so serious?" Forest asked, a mischievous twinkle in her eyes.

"Thank you, thank you so much for spinning!" Forest's smile said it all. Upon seeing the time you headed towards the sanctuary.

"Good vibes!" Forest cried out.

#

You were truckin' on down the hall when you passed the nursery. You paused when you heard heavy breathing, the kind you associated with deep French kissing. You looked at your watch and, upon seeing you had 20 minutes, you pushed open the door to investigate. The sight that greeted your eyes made you freeze; your mother and Anne, wrapped in each others arms and kissing passionately. You tried to be quiet but your foot hit a squeaky toy and the squeal startled both kissers. Your mother's eyes grew wide with a look of terror.

"Son!" Anne turned and her dress, what there was of it, slipped to the floor. You didn't know how to feel. You dropped to the floor in sadness. Anne came and knelt beside you.

"Babe, I thought I loved you, I really did. But last week, when your mother and I were shopping for the usual list of items, she confided in me that she was interested in being a 'lest'. So, I obliged her. When we got home and you weren't there we had our first time together. In fact, you nearly caught us that day. Since then, we've been together 7 times." You looked up with tears streaming down your cheeks.

"7 times? That's more than we've had sex." Anne stroked your forehead and then grabbed her dress when the Reverend's voice was heard. As he stepped into the room and took in the scene of general debauchery before his eyes he cried out.

"Get out! Take your sins, your lies and your clothes and get out!" At this Anne, acting in much the way that had first attracted you to her, laughed, dropped her dress and grabbed your mother's hand.

"Hey!" She cried. "You've just defeated the morals of this church! Where are you going next?" Your mother, widow for 6 years, spoke words you never thought she'd say.

"To the Mission District of San Francisco, where I will live happily ever after! Goodbye, son, I'm off to embrace my lesbian life." You walked out the door and watched as your mother and your ex before she was even your wife ran merrily down the hall, out the doors and out of your life. You began to walk out yourself, and turning left when Anne and your mother turned right, you headed to the local ice cream parlor where you were going to drown your sorrows in sundaes.