Chances

All I could see was black and white fabric. I could already see the wedding before me. She would be wearing a white dress while he would be in his black suit with that fake smile plastered onto his face. And she would believe it like she always did. I knew I had waited too long and now all I could think about was how my love for her welled up inside of me. But, if she would be happy, that is all I care about. I could see her happy, with everything she wanted. He would give her everything she wanted, and she wanted love. I could give her that to but she chose him. I need to get her out of my head but she fills up everything. The soft smile she gave to very few people and her huge heart that she poured out to everyone even if they didn’t deserve it. But, I had my chance. I could have told her. I had so many chances but I knew, I knew she would never love me back. A call snapped me out of my thoughts, and I sat up pressing the answer button when the name read Mia. “Hey” I said in the cheeriest voice I could, trying to make it seem as though I was ecstatic. “Can you come over soon, we need to get the wedding preparations done before we can get ready”, she questioned, even over the phone I could feel the nerves and excitement emanating from her. “Yeah, of course, I’ll be over in just a bit” I don’t think she detected it but the dreed was welling up inside of me. “Okay, you are the best friend a person could have”, she responded making my eyes tear up. I smiled a weak smile and uttered the few words that broke my spirit, “Yeah, friends”. Out of context, it sounds fine but to me, it was admitting that even if I said anything to her now, we would only ever be friends. Anyway, I quickly said bye and hung up the call after waiting for her nonexistent response. Sighing I tied my shoes and grabbed my dress bag before walking out the door. The drive wasn’t long but as I drove through the familiar streets of our hometown memories came back to me in short flashes like how by that slide was where we had first met. Then, in our old school is where my love blossomed. And finally pulling up to her parent’s house, where I had almost told her I loved her but chickened out at the last moment opting instead to come out to her as a lesbian. It seemed as though Nick wasn’t here yet, either that or his white jeep was parked in the backyard. The second option was unlikely, however. It was surprising he wasn’t here yet considering that the wedding ceremony would start in a few hours. I parked in the same spot I always would when we were younger and stepped out of the car. The red door swung open and Mia’s mother, Mary Benette, pulled me into a hug and whispered into my ear, “I know you love her and how hard this must be for you”. I wanted to push away from the hug and ask her how she knew but I just wrapped my arms around her and let a few silent tears track down my face. She squeezed me one more time before letting me go and saying “If you ever need to get out of the ceremony then you just let me know okay?”. I nodded my head before whipping my tears and plastering a strained smile on my face. Mary and I chatted on our way up to Mia’s old bedroom where she was getting ready. Mary informed me that Mia was not doing great because Nick wasn’t here yet and that I should just be prepared. We came to the blush pink door and glanced at Mary once before knocking. As soon as I did so, the door swung open and Mais was standing there. She didn’t have her dress on yet and her mascara was smugged around her eyes as if she had been rubbing her eyes from crying. “Lottie” she choked out with obvious sadness in her voice. I ran in and sat down on her old bed. I thought about how we had laid on this bed and talked for ages. Then I remembered that Mia needed me and pulled her down on the bed next to me. She burst out into a new round of tears. I wrapped my arms around her the same way that Mary had comforted me. I petted her hair and said in a soft tone “What happened, you shouldn’t be crying on your wedding day”. Sobs racked her body even harder. After a few minutes, she was able to choke out words, “Nick called and said that we had to cancel the wedding”. I sucked in my breath. This is what I wanted but not in this way. I had hoped that if this happened that it would be on her own terms. Then she smiled through her tears “but that’s not wh I’m crying though”. I blinked and cocked my head. I wanted to know I mean her wedding is canceled, the love of her life dumped her and that’s not what she’s sad about? “Well what are you sad about?”, I said in a careful voice trying not to sound desperate. What if this was my chance, I could tell her. “Well”, she said a small smile playing on her lips, “I never loved in more than a friend way”. I sat there with my mouth hanging open. Then happiness bubbled up inside of me. Now was my chance. She scooted a little bit closer to me and in the move that really ruined my life… I kissed her. Her lips were super soft and warm. For a few precious seconds, neither of us moved. Then she pulled away and looked at me with a horrified expression. Disgust was forming on her face and all I could think about was how she was going to hit me. But instead, she just stood up and grabbed me by the arm. I dutifully followed her out of the bedroom and down the stairs. Mary saw us passing and stood up from the table to see what was happening. When we got to the front door, mia threw it open and pushed me out the door. “Never come back here”, she spat. “I was willing to put up with a lesbian as a friend but to think that you would actually make a move on me is completely disgusting”. I could feel the hatred pouring off of her as she said the last words I would ever hear from her, “Go to Hell, you will burn forever”. I scrambled up from my place on the floor and ran to my car. I quickly turned the key in the ignition and pulled out of the driveway. The way home was the same one I had taken to her house and passing all the things from my times with Mia sent blow after blow to my heart. Eventually, I arrived at the hotel after a trip that seemed to have taken an hour even though it was maybe ten minutes. I turned off the car but stayed in the driver’s seat with my head on the steering wheel. ‘It’s my turn to cry’ I thought bitterly. After a few more minutes I collected myself and grabbed my purse from the other seat. I walked back up to my hotel room and booked a flight back to New York for the next day. Twenty minutes later I decided that I needed to make up for my mistake. I rooted through my purse until I found my phone and typed out a text to Mia. ‘Please forgive me’ it said. I knew I would need to do more but this was a start. Seconds later the phone pinged and I saw that the message hadn’t been delivered. Another blow to the heart. Then I went to a website and made an order for flowers. I picked out a card that said sorry and put in both her mom’s address and her house in California. Then I jumped in the shower before going to dinner in the city. The next day I got on my plane and waited for Mia to say anything. Three weeks later I got a text. Not from Mia but from Mary. The text was short but got to the point, ‘She threw away the flowers’. My heart sunk to the floor and proceed to throw myself on the bed. My next move was to send a letter to both addresses. They both said the same thing about how I was sorry and how all I wanted was to be friends again. When no response came over the next weeks I checked Facebook and saw that she had posted about losing a best friend. 

Two years later

Fifty letters, nine e-mails, and hundreds of dollars worth of flowers sent. That is how much I asked. I eventually made the decision to go in person. I know that she said not to ever come back to her but I need to get her forgiveness. It has been killing me forever. I’ve tried to get over her and one part of that was successful. I no longer had feelings for her but the want to be her friend again was overwhelming. I know I made a bad decision thinking that she loved me too but I guess all things have consequences. I booked a plane ticket and within a week I was in California and at her front door. I knocked and it was so similar to how she had opened the door all those years ago. As soon as she saw me her eyes darkened. “I thought I told you to never come back” her voice was surprisingly soft and not angry. I took a deep breath and said “I know you said that but I couldn’t live with the knowledge that you hated me”, I shuffled my feet as I said this. A long away look filled her face but in an instant, it was gone. The dark look filled her eyes again and she set her jaw. “You need to leave now”, the words had a threatening tone to them and made me step back a bit. “Please” I whispered practically begging her to forgive me. But she just turned away and said those same words from two tears ago “Go to Hell, you will burn forever”. I waited for a sting but none came, I was numb. I just nodded and headed back to my car. It’s been years since then and I haven’t seen or heard from Mia Benette. 

• Lottie Cole