Stardust

11PM. Resting over the bridge of Manhattan’s Southside Pier. The purple sky kisses the waves beneath me as I stare into the ripples. A sight for sore eyes, if I’m being honest. She always loved it. I’m freezing in the bleak November weather, wrapped up in my knitted beanie, scarf and black puffer. My fingers slowly turn into sub-zero cinder blocks inside my cotton gloves - stiff as anything. I blow into the air and watch the vapour fly up and disappear into nothing, as the black night sky consumes the particles. I clasp my hands frantically and rub them together in a desperate attempt at trying to create some sort of heat, as I lean over and look into the body of water below me. I make out my reflection and start to chuckle softly. ‘Water under the bridge’ she’d always say, whenever a situation isn’t as important as it once seemed to be. I stay fixated on my reflection for a moment until realisation washes over me like a ruthless tide. 

‘She ain’t coming,’ a voice in my head utters, ‘It’s been 40 minutes. Cut your losses already’ 

Agreeingly, I sink my face into my hands and bask in their warmth to escape from my thoughts. Clearly, I can’t, as another familiar voice rings through my mind like a bell. Just have a little faith. The buses could be running late tonight. Come on, give it another 10 minutes.’ This voice is probably right. She always said public transport was the devil’s work. 

Letting out a sigh, I look up to the stars and think of her. I’ve always hoped that she and I could be just like they are. Eternal beams of light, illuminating a dark abyss. Every time I look up at those speckles in the sky, something inside me believes in that possibility more and more. May stars be born, shine and die, before what we have, ever does the same. 

Right now, though, the stars sing a different song. She’s nowhere to be seen. I drag my feet along the sturdy wooden planks, with my hands in my pockets, one rummaging through the collection of lint and old change, and my left clutching the note I wrote for her this morning. 8AM. I woke up at 8 in the morning to write that. For her. A scrunched up piece of paper I found laying among the heaps of takeaway boxes and late gas notices scattered around my crummy apartment. It was torn and creased, almost to the point where it was unreadable. For her, nonetheless. An out-of-character move from me, but necessary all the same.

Another sigh escapes my mouth as I stop and gaze at the endless path before me. Nobody’s here. Totally soulless. Swivelling my head, I realise that I can’t see further than about 50 metres either way of me, as a light mist is illuminated by some scattered towering streetlights. ‘Shit’, I whisper as I reach the base of one of the few towering streetlights, head hung on the verge of shame. I try my hardest not to lose my mind at the idea of a no-show, but no way. I’d have never thought my highschool sweetheart and I would be stuck in the same town, coming to the same pier, at the same time as we always did. Yet, something inside knows this would be the last time.

Once upon a time, before we became whatever we are, we went to the state fair and didn’t have time for even one ride. We sat and spoke for hours about our dreams, and ate the biggest bag of candy floss either of us had ever seen. Of course, though, I had no idea where I’d be in the next few years. ‘Still tryna figure out life, I guess’. 

I remember that day as vividly as anything, especially her shaking her head and smiling as she told me ‘Stay on the right path, and I promise you’ll be okay.’ I never did have a good sense of direction. I still don’t. We were so young. As we gorged on that bag of candy floss bigger than both of us combined - pretty ironic for a budding dentist - she showed me a box of her baby teeth, and told me why the molar was her favourite. Typically, I didn’t take in a word of all the specifics, but I’ll never forget the excitement in her eyes. That white glimmer which shone like a beacon in the blackest night.  Anyone else, and I’d have been grossed out and bored out of my mind. But I watched with such intent as she examined those old molars, canines and whatever else like the earth’s most precious jewel. Just one of the things she was so passionate about. She was always so quick to show me her all. That perfect summer evening, we fantasised about getaways to Paris, Italy, the Caribbean. Sharing stories, dreams, sorrows, fears, desires. Doing things together that we wouldn’t dream of doing with anyone else. The purest form of love I’ve ever known. Free as doves in the friendly warmth of summer, soaring under the glimmer of a hundred million stars. 

Now, the cold air cuts through my body callously, like a butcher swinging his cleaver like a battleaxe, and my limbs feel as numb as my spirit. I wonder why we’re both still here. Stuck existing instead of living, watching our dreams fade further into fantasy. Here. In this cesspit of a town that once shone like heaven. A place we can’t seem to escape no matter how hard either of us tries. Never reaching the other side. I guess things aren’t always what they’re cut out to be. 

I take out the note and unravel it slowly. Glaring at its contents through steamy half-dead pupils, I hear a voice once again.

‘What did you think you were doing? You thought she’d forgive you? After what you did? Don’t make me laugh’, a sneering tone mockingly reiterates. Tears well up as I look at my heart poured out in ink-form on some old scrap paper. 

‘You expect her to feel sorry for you? You'll never be content, will you? Have some shame for God’s sake.’

Honestly I don’t know what I expected. Maybe I love her too much to turn away. Or maybe I’m too stupid to realize what’s been in front of me all this time. Maybe I’m too damn foolish for using my reckless nature as an excuse, every time I slip up, and maybe this time… Maybe this time I crossed the line. Maybe this time I broke her. My memory kicks in, and the sting shoots straight to my stomach. Even the idea of her and someone else makes my insides cry out. It’s more than gut-wrenching. So why? Why am I always so quick to do the same? And why the hell did I expect her to forgive and forget? And after so. Many. Apologies? Only the Lord knows. 

My left arm clutches my torso in agony, still grasping the scrunched piece of paper. Somehow, managing to move my body towards the bridge’s rails, I place my hood over my head and tumble, crashing onto the oak floor.  The light mist turns to a thick fog, suffocating me as I stare into the emptiness around me. I hectically pant for air and roll up the sleeve of my jacket to check my watch. ‘00:00AM’. Oh God, why am I here? What am I doing?

‘What exactly are you doing? You know you never had a chance, right?’ the harsh tone tells me.  

The warm voice utters warmly once again.‘No. Don't listen. Have some -’ 

‘Faith?! You were gonna say faith, huh?’ One voice jeers to the other with a snigger, as the warmth disappears from my mind.

‘Don’t tell me about faith, now. How many times is it gonna take for you to get the message? Wake up. It's over…’ 

No response. The tender noise fails to reply, as my lifeless body continues to chill. 

Defeated on the floor, a tear falls from my eye. It nearly makes me fall straight through the wooden planks, and into the waves. Never once did I think a single tear could bear such weight.  

I reach into my pocket and pull out the tattered sheet of lined paper and begin to read. 

‘I know it’s too late and I know I sound like the stupidest person ever. When you’re reading this, I'll be longer than gone. Please don't blame yourself-’ 

My eyes begin to well up again and my vision is jaded.

‘I really wasn’t even going to write this, yet I felt the need to tell you before I go. Before I never see you again, I need you to know -’

I keep freezing. My mind is scrambling to comprehend the words before me.

‘You mean more to me than you ever know. More than I’ll ever be able to say or show. That opportunity’s gone. I could feel my spirit fading months ago. You were the only one to take my hand and take me out of somewhere I never wanted to reach.’

I bash my head against the wooden blank I rest my head upon, desperately trying to wake myself up. All it does is drag me deeper into delusion. Like pieces to a puzzle, the words flood back into my memory, as I look up to the hundred million diamonds in the sky. 

‘Maybe we were meant to be. Maybe not. But that little sliver of joy on a never-ending road of pain only existed because of you. If not for you, my love, I’d be leaving without a memory to cherish. Without dreams to dream in my eternal slumber.’

My mind fades into grey. I find myself struggling against the mist. It closes in towards me. Frantically, I ball up. to make myself smaller. To become invisible. Vanish. To escape. But I cannot. My head crashes once more to the unforgiving wooden surface, rocking my mind like an earthquake. The mist caresses my cheek and whispers softly, begging to consume me. No matter how hard I try, all I can do is allow it to do so. I open my eyes once more, and glare into the motionless waves below me. All the words rush back to my head. 

My soul freezes and hardens like steel as I  silently sink into the calm of the waves. The other side. The diamonds above me begin to blur, and fade into dust. All is silent but the sweet, sweet requiem of the ocean. My soul smiles. Peace, at last. 

‘So thank you. For everything. Deep down I know that somewhere, me and you are together. Holding hands. Running through the streets of Venice. Living our dreams with you at the helm, leading the way. I was never good with directions.’

I’ll see you soon…