Flavored air

March 31st Journal Entry:

3:36  AM April 1st

I decided to write the first entry in an ongoing experiment of a journal. I plan to write in this every day, mostly before bed or in the morning to report a dream.

Tonight I hope I dream of all of my worries going away except when I'm doing my part to help a cause. Universe? If you're listening, help me find my cause.

∙Help me find my purpose

I am grateful for my life & all in it.

April 1st Journal Entry:

3:28 AM April 2nd

[ Humility ]

I remembered!!

According to my online horoscope, I will be “Glowing & Sexy again” by April 24th

I have a lot of weight on my chest & on my shoulders, so much so that my neck is sore.

It struggles to keep my head up sometimes.

I hope I have the strength to power through these battles like ripping a bandage off.

Or duct tape rather.

Will this headache ever go away?

All I want to do is make it right, but the weight of all the wrong I’ve done makes me want to leave it all behind.

April 19 is good to move my work to a new level.

April 2nd journal entry 

Night of; 3:08 AM

Well, I lost my leopard gecko, Spot. I think it will help build character for both of us. I hope he comes back to be in his heat lamp. He will find his spot.

I will keep my room clean.

I will become more aware of bad habits.

I considered landscaping today along with architecture.

I love design

I want to create

I have faith

I will burn herbal sage blends for ritual.

ALL IS UNFAIR IN LOVE & WAR

April 3rd journal entry

12:28 AM

Angels Of Oblivion

-Brain Hemispheres

-Emotional vibrations

-List of goals big & small

☆Big

-Create a news company

-Write a book

-Be a musical artist (Genius)

-Be an artist

-Design clothes

-Design work general

-Create candy

-Herbal chew, candies, recreational foods.

-Make amends

I will work harder than everyone around me

April 5th

11:58 AM

I can see the signs

April 6th

N/A

Like the crows laughing as I played with a handheld buzzsaw, with a fire smoking in my chest. Like the yellow butterfly confirming my safety, but telling me to be careful as I continue my path. Like the beautiful people the world gives me upon my request. 

I acknowledge the way the universe tells me who I really am, by giving me what I really want.

My pursuit for a reality of emotional tranquility is hindered by my desperate need of gratification. Without thrill comes fear of no kicks at all. And as I continue my indulgence I find my enjoyment decreasing and my pain increasing.

It becomes a destructive cycle and the only thing keeping my head above the water is my subconscious mind telling my body there’s still something more for me. 

Yet more than anything I find peace in the present moment. It feels like it lasts forever, but still, as if there’s not enough time.

April 7th

6:04 PM

I sit in front of my computer, letting my body go mostly on auto-pilot as it creates the words before you. I use much of my mental strength to resist jumping on every train that comes my way. There’s a pressure in my head, a heavy feeling in the center of my body, and a pulling of gravity that makes my body sore. I instantly think of the cookies in the pantry, the comforting flavor that puts my mind at rest briefly and fulfills any pit in my stomach I feel. 

My friends are worlds over yet I know they lay in my essence from the same stars in the sky as we all do. I can’t decide what to look to, as my glasses are broken. Self-expression continues to be the arm floaties and body board as tsunamis of countless tragedies attempt to sweep me off my feet like a distressed damsel. While I want nothing more to feel weightless by letting the world take me away, I much rather hold myself down than the weight of the clouds when it rains.

I give myself to impromptu theurgy and won’t search for culmination unless it’s shown to me.

April 8th

1:04 AM of April 9th

Let’s see what I did right & wrong today

What should change and what should stay?

I finally did a video challenge my sister wanted me to do with her.

I am uncomfortable with just the idea of these challenges for video but it turned out to be funny and memorable. 

I will continue to refuse to do them in the future, maybe just not as often.

If I sleep & let ideas of pleasure melt along with any other thoughts into the abyss of consciousness, I trust the universe will supply me with what I need most to function best when I wake.

April 10th

    4:36 AM

I have allowed myself to give into all of my desires of instant gratification.

During these times of contemplation in response to a period of weakness, I gain the most motivation and insight on my situation.

After relapse, it’s the sense of a second chance, where I can redeem myself, which gives me strength. However, this fades and I lose strength.

I ask for strength

I write with a feather pen I made and admire the glue clumps between the hairs.

~After a night like this, a brownie gives me immense comfort.

5:04 AM

I've noticed a shift in my perspective; my expression in the mirror looks foreign, my dog looks huge and heavier, lights trail over my sight as I glance into another direction, my hands seem farther away.

I feel as though a chapter has closed. Will my eyes close when I look away?

I feel tired but just as well, I have more to say.

I have time.

5:57 pm

As I continue down a dark tunnel, the light continues to seep through the cracks as I become more aware of my intentions. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my fathers death and I find angst in the idea, relating to how I am expected to respond. I cherish the lessons he’s taught me and become inspired to do something big, I don't mourn him, I rejoice with him in mind. 

I will do better than everyone I know.

I learned today that my Uncle Chuck had a heart attack, very close to a widow maker. My stomach began to turn as I felt my heart ache as it does at night. 

On a lottery ticket the numbers of my birthday, an anniversary of my own life, blocked the winnings that could support my family. 

I find more than ever before that it is vital to become healthy again.

I will be healthy. 

Now I am off to go eat a cheesesteak and curly fries.

8:20 pm

I wait patiently for the pieces to fall in place, staying reserved and staying passive as I embrace my reality and fight for something lively. 

I need something to help me stay focused, I need to find a crutch that fuels me in every way. I ask for an angel, for something set in the stars, to prove to me that I'm progressing, to help me stay content.

I have to end these cycles, find my peace of mind, and give a piece of mine where it counts.

10:04

Intention is everything. 

I should be more sure of myself

Enough is never enough, but too little is way too much.