Second Chances

Five years passed, I was only 17 the last time I was here.  A little girl.  A girl who had no idea what she wanted.  A girl who tried so hard to make everyone happy.  A girl who worried so much about what everyone else thought about her.  A girl who was losing her mind.  A girl who was trying to convince everyone around her that everything was ok, when she was breaking.  Five years ago I would have sworn I was never coming back to this place.  Five years ago I would’ve said there’s no amount of money you could ever pay me to go back there.  But alas here I am five years later.  

So much has changed since five years ago.  Things around me changed, my friends changed, my hobbies changed, but most importantly I was a completely different person.  I got out of the small town I hated my entire life.  The small town that suffocated me, and turned me into a person I really hated.  I got out, went to a big school for college.  I met some people, made some new friends, and learned a whole lot more about myself.  It may have taken a while but I was finally a person, not just the skeleton going through the motions I used to be.  

I had everything.  Five years ago I had no idea what I wanted.  I had no idea who I was, or who I wanted to be.  Today I had everything.  I finally loved myself.  Finally embraced the person I was, it may have taken a while but I really was happy.  Finally embraced the long brown hair, the skinny figure, and the imperfect smile I was always so insecure about.  I finally believed I was pretty, which may not seem like a big deal, but it was huge to me.  Perhaps even more importantly I finally knew what I wanted.  I graduated college, and got the job in sports management I always dreamed of.  The same job that I threw to the side when I was younger, because everyone told me I would never get.  I really had everything I ever wanted.  But of course there was one thing missing.  I mean after all my life wasn’t perfect.  

I was missing him.  Now who is he exactly.  He was the guy I always wanted to be with.  We were good friends but of course nothing more than that.  We didn’t really talk much anymore.  But that’s ok I guess.  Well really it was all my fault to begin with.  I always loved him, as something more.  I always planned out the words I was going to say to tell him.  Thought about the scenarios in my head about how to tell him and what would come next.  The only problem is I never did.  Five years ago I was too scared.  Five years ago I was so afraid of rejection, that instead of telling him how I really felt I just pushed him away.  

Five years passed, everything has changed.  Everything except of course my feelings for him.  I hadn’t seen him since that last day of high school, but for some reason I still wanted him.  I still wanted his validation for some ridiculous reason.  Some ridiculous reason I called love.  Five years had passed, I should’ve moved on.  I had everything and I had every chance to be with someone else, I just couldn’t stop thinking about him.  Couldn’t stop thinking about how things would have been different if I just told him how I felt that night.  

Oftentimes we don’t get second chances.  My entire life I find very few instances in which a second chance has been allowed.  However this happened to be one of those very occasions.  It was finally the day.  Finally the day that I could change all my mistakes, and show everyone I wasn’t the same girl I was so many years ago.  It was finally the day of the highschool reunion.  Finally the day where I could show everyone I was successful.   Most importantly it was finally the day I could talk to him again and say everything I wanted to five years ago.  

I was counting down to this day forever.  I had everything planned out.  The red, the bright red dress I was going to wear with the gold four inch heels that made my legs look so long.  The braided low ponytail, with two pieces in the front.  The pink lipstick, the fake eyelashes, every little detail was planned to perfection.  Really I looked incredible.  Looked like the girl I always wanted to be.  Looked like the girl I knew I was today.  Even more importantly I had every little word I wanted to tell him planned out to perfection.  A speech so I call it with an opening, middle, and closing.  An answer for every question he asked.  I really had everything planned out.  I just wanted it to be perfect.  But of course I was naive.  

 When I pulled up to the school I felt everything.  Felt my stomach start to knot, goosebumps running down my arms, and legs beginning to shake.  I was so nervous.  For the first time in five years I felt like that girl again.  I felt like that scared little 17 year old girl.  I was in my car for hours.  Or at least what felt like hours, which only accounted to a couple minutes in real time.  I was terrified, but I was already here.  It was already happening, so I continued to walk into the school.  

As I entered the school It was almost like nothing had ever changed.  Almost like the last 5 years had never happened.  It was almost like I was the same little girl I was 5 years ago.  I looked at the room and I saw everything.  Saw every memory come flooding into my mind.  Every memory that I promised I would forget.  Every little thing, I told myself would never matter.  Every little thing I thought wouldn’t bother me.  How could I be so naive.  And then I saw him.

My eyes met him and he waved hello.  My legs were shaking as I tried to walk over to him.  Shaking so bad I almost tripped, but I caught myself and continued walking.  I was terrified.  I planned everything, I knew everything I wanted to say, but in that moment I froze.  At that moment I became the 17 year old girl who couldn’t say anything the first time around.  As I approached him things started to get even worse.  I could hardly breathe, and I felt like I was going to pass out at any moment.  I just had to keep walking.  I just had to keep going, or at least that’s what I told myself.  I probably should’ve just stopped for a moment.  

I was a step away from him and then boom.  I tried to mouth hi, and then…  I tripped.  No not a cute small trip I twisted my entire ankle and fell over like an absolute failure.  I looked so dumb, I wanted to craw up into a little corner and die.  Literally everyone was staring, it was just like high school.  So much time had passed, so many great things had happened in my life, but I was just the same dumb girl.  The same stupid girl who everyone looked past in high school, the same girl who no one ever cared about.  But hey at least they finally acknowledged my existence now laughing at me.  I was mortified.  I was so ready for this event, and now this. I looked around to see everyone’s faces staring at me and I just tried to walk away as quickly as possible.  I really did intend to leave the reunion right then and there.

I stopped caring about what I was going to tell him.  I stopped caring about how I felt towards him.  I just convinced myself it was never going to work out and I began to leave.  I had my moment.  I had a golden opportunity.   Well two of them to be precise it was just never going to happen.  I was never going to be good enough.  Never going to be strong enough, and I just had to move on.  I just had to get back to my regular life, get back to my great life and forget about this dumb small town that ruined everything about me.  But of course things don’t end that easily.

As I was walking out to my car I felt a tap on my shoulder.  I was scared for a moment but then I turned around.  Tears were still running down my face from the embarrassment of earlier so I couldn’t even recognize the face.  I tried to wipe my eyes and then I heard it.  His voice.  His voice that I hadn’t heard in years was really him.  Before I could even process the situation he asked if I was ok.  I responded yes I was just going to leave now, while trying to stop the tears from rolling down my face.  He looked at me for a second, said nothing and then smiled, reached for his pocket and handed me a tissue.  I thanked him, apologized for the entire situation and started to continue to my car for a step until I heard his voice again. 

He asked how my life was going.  I gave a long explanation, and we talked for a while after that.  It was great like it was 5 years ago.  The time really did fly by as the people from the reunion started to come out and head for their cars and get ready to leave.  They glared at us, but I really couldn’t have given care in the world.  I was just so happy.  It was a happiness like I had never really felt before, but of course these feelings don’t last forever.  

I started to think about everything I wanted to tell him.  Started to think about how I wanted to be with him forever.  I just didn’t know what to do.  I had so many words I wanted to say.  So many words I probably should have said, I just couldn’t.  Something about the moment just told me not to say them.  Was it a good idea probably not, I just didn’t want to ruin anything.  

It was getting dark and we both knew we should probably start heading back home.  I looked at him, looked into his big blue eyes and for a moment I thought I was going to blurt it all out but I stopped myself.  We just stood there for a second looking into each other's eyes, it really did feel like a lifetime, but again all good moments end.  He headed to his car, I turned around and started to head for mine, then for some reason I looked back.  I don’t know why something just told me to look back. 

He looked back at the same time.  We stayed there frozen in motion for a moment then I took a step closer to him.  I just kept moving towards him walking, now running just trying to get there as soon as I could.  I was a step away then I blacked out.  I don’t remember anything that happened for a couple seconds, but when I finally realized what was happening there I was.  In his arms.  He was looking into my eyes while hugging me, looking at me like he never wanted to let go, and I never wanted him to.  Then he leaned in, I closed my eyes and I couldn’t believe what was happening.  Then he kissed me.  

It was all so perfect.  I was glowing, I had really never been happier.  For the first time in my life there were really no problems.  For the first time there was really nothing that could possibly go wrong.  Everything was actually perfect. 

Five years ago if you would have told me I would be right here with him at this moment, I would have told you, you were crazy.  Five years ago I would have told you it was over.  Five years ago I would have told you there was no chance of things ever working out between the two of us, and I should just move on.  But alas here I am.  Alas here I am living out the fantasy I never allowed myself to have.  Here I am finally having everything I told myself I would never deserve to have.  

I didn’t say everything I wanted to say.  I didn’t give the long drawn out speech I had been planning on giving for the last five years.  But it’s ok.  It could have ended badly.  He didn’t have to stop me from leaving early, but he did.  He didn’t have to turn around and kiss me, but he did.  Things really could have ended badly, but for once in my life they didn’t.  For once in my life things actually worked out, and I couldn’t be more excited for what our story holds in the future.