A murder most foul

“He’s dead!”

The body lay sprawled on the floor, blood pooling around his limp corpse, skin ashen. 

“Has he been shot?”

“I didn’t hear anything, must’ve been stabbed”,

“Where’s the knife then dumbo?”

“Where’s the gun?” Toby glared over at Simon, “What’s that in your pocket?” Simon reached into his jacket, the shiny metal glinted in the light,

“What is it?” Simon unwrapped the tin foil to reveal a somewhat squashed sandwich, “Is that tuna?” Toby turned up his nose at the stench of warm fish, “What are you doing with that?”

“I get peckish” Simon shrugged, taking a bite from the soggy snack. He begrudged being there and he most definitely begrudged that he had to wear some stupid period costume. His braces were pulling the ill-fitting trousers up into his crotch, giving him a wedgie.

As Simon readjusted himself there were mumbles from across the room, the other guests had started snooping around looking for clues. The body on the floor squirmed uncomfortably,

“hey, you’re meant to be dead”,

“I will be in a minute if you don’t get that sandwich away from me” the body hissed before reassuming his deceased role. Toby pulled Simon away from the disgruntled cadaver, “we should be looking for evidence”, Simon rolled his eyes scrunching up the empty tin foil and shoving it into his pocket. He wiped his greasy fingers on the borrowed trousers and started pulling books out of a large bookcase declaring “Nope, no evidence of fun in here”.

“Hey what’s that?” an excitable woman bounded across the room almost tripping over Mr. Not-so-dead. She stooped down at Simon’s feet and picked up a small envelope sealed with a lipstick kiss. “Oh great, I found a clue” Simon groaned as the woman read aloud an anonymous love letter. As the crowd of guests ooh-ed and aah-ed making notes on their clipboards, a flamboyant man entered the room and introduced himself as ‘Detective Inspector Sleuth’. He paced around the body making deductions and inferences, and a variety of other characters became apparent within the crowd: Mrs. Peacock who was the deceased’s wife, Lady Harrisham and her daughter Lucy, the butler. Because of course there was a butler. Simon zoned out, his mind preoccupied thinking about how the detective’s name was basically ‘Detective Detective Detective’. Toby jabbed him in the ribs, indicating that the group was moving to the next room for more scene setting.

Toby sighed, wishing that Simon would enter into the spirit of things. His date had pulled out last minute and he didn’t want to go alone, he’d probably look as pathetic as that girl alone in the corner investigating a vase of flowers. Though there was quite a tasty looking gentleman in one of the other groups he wouldn’t have minded joining up with. Toby wondered if Simon would even notice, he’d been staring agog at Lucy Harrisham for the last five minutes as she flirted her way around the room.

…

“Dinner is served” the butler announced, inviting everyone to move into the dining room to sit at the table, their places marked by a small name tag. “Where’s Lindsey?” one of the guests whispered indicating an empty seat next to Toby,  

“She probably had to pee” Toby shrugged having not noticed there was even a lady called Lindsey in the group. He had been too preoccupied making eyes at the gorgeous fellow across from him.

Simon scoffed down his meal and dessert, listening in on the conversations taking place around the table, everyone in their little groups and pairs making guesses as to ‘who dunnit’. He was desperately trying to ignore Toby’s shameless and rather embarrassing attempt at flirting with the man opposite. “I’m gonna go check Lindsey hasn’t fallen down the toilet” Simon muttered, but it fell on deaf ears.

Simon passed back through the murder scene in search of the toilets, the ‘body’ was gone and just a chalk outline and a red stain on the carpet remained. Simon could hear bickering coming from another room off the library, and he couldn’t resist a sneak peek. He peered in through the ajar door. Constable Investigator Private-eye looked straight at Simon as another figure dashed out of the room. The inspector grasped at his chest, falling onto the billiard table. Balls scattered across the green, sinking the white, Simon drew a sharp breath, “ooh, foul” he muttered sniggering to himself, “Now this is more like it”.

“There’s been a murder” Simon declared as he sat back down at the dinner table, but he was met by an unimpressed audience. “We know”,

“Oh, so you know Mr. Holmes is laying dead on the billiards table?” he said smugly, Toby rolled his eyes taking another bite of his starter salad. Simon hadn’t even wanted to come, and now he got to be first on the scene of an exciting development in the case,

“Ooh intriguing, another murder!”

“Are you sure? I don’t think they can kill off the detective, he’s the one solving the murder”,

“We’re the ones solving the murder, silly!” A few of the guests quickly emptied their plates and stood up ready to investigate the new crime scene with Simon leading the way. Leaving Toby and his love interest to bond in peace.

Back in the games room there was no sign of the inspector apart from a chalk outline and a blood-stained billiards table. Simon followed a trail of blood drops no one else had noticed out of the room, the same way he’d seen the presumed murderer flee. It took him along a corridor towards a closed door where there was a bloody hand print on the handle. “Wow they are making this too easy”. Simon grabbed the still wet handle and opened the door into a dark room, as his eyes adjusted he suddenly didn’t feel so smug. Laying on a sofa was the lifeless body of the Inspector, a knife protruding from his chest. Simon fumbled around for a light switch but heard footsteps rapidly approaching down the hallway. “Excuse me sir you can’t be in there” the butler jammed his foot in the door before Simon could shut it, he panicked and pushed past out of the room.

Simon burst into the billiards room to a startled crowd of amateur detectives, “he’s dead!” There were a few eye rolls at Simon’s seemingly over dramatic performance. Simon looked around helplessly, as the butler calmly entered the room, “An unfortunate development indeed, I hope you can help us discover the culprit before anyone else gets killed” the butler stared menacingly at Simon, but it seemed no one else notice the psychotic look in his eye.

As the butler slipped away under the pretence of gathering the suspects for questioning, Simon darted back to the dining room in search of Toby who he found in deep conversation with his new friend Roger, and he was not very pleased to be disturbed. “Toby we’ve got to get out of here”, he grabbed him by the arm leaving a red handprint on his white shirt,

“What is the matter with you?”

“He’s dead Toby, he’s really dead”, Simon was expecting the eye rolls by now, no one was taking him seriously. “Where’s your phone, give me your phone” he held out his blood stained hand,

“They collected them in at the start, no cheating remember?”,

“Where are they?”

“I don’t know, they said in emergencies talk to the butler” Simon’s eyes grew wide, they were in the midst of a horror movie and no one else knew it. Simon knew he had to call for help, the phones had to be somewhere.

Sneaking along the corridor, hoping not to be noticed, Simon encountered Lucy Harrisham on her way to re-join the party, she seemed completely unaware that anything untoward had happened, “The inspector, dead?!” she gasped, looking a little confused, but staying in character, “we should join the others in the games room”. Simon glanced behind her into the room she had just come out of, there was a basket of phones sitting right there on the table in amongst half eaten snacks and unfinished drinks. He forced his way past the shocked actor, grabbed a phone and dialled 999. “What are you doing?” Lucy was walking back down the hall towards him, no longer in character. At this point Simon didn’t know who to trust, he slammed the door and slid through the bolt securing himself safely inside.   

“999 what’s your emergency?”

“police, send the police, a man’s been killed!”

“slow down sir, where are you, can you explain what happened?”

“I’m at Creeksea house, a man’s been killed, it was the butler, I’m sure it was the butler” Simon looked over to the door, there were voices just outside. “He’s in there”, the butlers face appeared in the small window in the door,

“Ok sir, do you know that it is an offence to make a prank call to the emergency services?”

“This isn’t a prank, please you’ve got to help me, he’s right outside the door”,

“Who’s outside the door?”

“The butler, he killed the inspector, I saw the body, the knife, the blood, it’s all real” the line went dead.

...

Simon sat alone as the commotion outside continued, he searched the room for an alternative exit, but he was on the second floor and even if the window had been able to open more than the couple of inches it did, he didn’t think he was brave enough to make that jump anyway.

The door rattled, and he heard a jangling of keys as someone seemed to be trying to unlock the door with no success.

After what seemed like an eternity a heavy fist banged three times, “Police, open up!” Simon breathed a sighed of relief, “Thank god you came!”

“Come on sir, lets go” Simon was taken by the arm and half pulled along the corridor. They went down the stairs to the front door which was being held open by an apologetic butler, “Wait, but… the butler”,

“I’m so sorry this is happening again” the butler said to the officer, shaking his head,

“Not a problem sir, we know some people can get a little carried away at these murder mystery parties, you obviously put on a good show!” the officer laughed,

“Wait, what?” Simon tried to wriggle free of the officers strong grip, “But he’s dead!”

“Simon, you need to chill out” Toby was by his side now as he was taken across the courtyard, “Firstly, it wasn’t the Butler, it was Miss Harrisham, she killed Mr. Peacock because while she was having an affair with him, he was cheating on her with the inspector. When the inspector confronted Lucy they got into an argument and she killed him too” Toby took a deep breath and continued as Simon was pushed into the back of his car, “Secondly, what the hell is wrong with you! You ruined the whole party for everyone, well not everyone, some of them found all the extra drama quite exciting. But you ruined the evening for me and now I’m stuck driving you home instead of Roger, who I gave my number but is probably never going to call me after this”.

Simon couldn’t believe what he was hearing, he’d seen it all with his own eyes, the murder, the blood, the dead body. Over Toby’s shoulder the actors had gathered at the door, saying goodbye to the guests and apologising for the unusual turn the evening had taken. In amongst them was the inspector, knife still jutting out of his chest, but the smile on his face suggested he was, in fact, very much alive.

Simon desperately tried to process what had happened, and what was happening now down the side of the house. A smartly dressed figure was trying to wrestle something over the threshold, it came free with a jolt and the rolled-up carpet almost unravelled before the butler managed to stop it. He heaved it up and dragged it away unseen. Unseen except for Simon who the butler glanced back at with a sly wink and a smile. Simon looked around at the guests as they left. Climbing into their cars, chattering away and full of excitement. Someone was missing.