A Most Peculiar Thing

I knew it. I’m lost. Worse than lost. It appears I’m going in circles. Indeed, as I start to trace my steps in this godforsaken forest, I can see the scuff marks on the dirt of where I fell (the first time), and I notice the branch sticking at an odd angle of where I tried to grab onto it. It was most unhelpful as I slid down the pass and landed on my knee. A bruise is blossoming across my skin and becoming more sore by the second. I have been tempted to lift my pant leg to inspect the wound but am worried I might discover I’ve lost a bone. This forest has been playing tricks on me all day. Perhaps there is some cursed magic downplaying my pain until I bleed out and become one with the soil as well.

This all happened because I listened to that annoying Frank fellow. He told me he went for a hike in this very spot and it was so “mystical” and it helped him solve a problem with work. I don’t have a problem I need to solve, but I needed an excuse to get away from my brother for a little while and look at what good that did me. Stranded in the middle of a strange place, hobbling in circles, with no way to contact people. Let this be a future lesson that trying to avoid your weird brother with his giggly wife will make you a plaything for supernatural forces as I cannot deny there is something otherworldly about this forest and it's not the advice it apparently hands out to weary hikers.

As you can see, the sun becomes a bit more scattered as it hits the leaves, and it casts kaleidoscopes on the forest floor. There is no direction to the wind. It is simply here and then it is gone and the plants do not seem as rattled by it. The wood is a bit dark for this region, and the animals are calculated and cunning. Already I have had a squirrel steal a slice of cheese from me and I could sworn it stuck its tongue out when I began cursing at it to come back. Something unnatural stirs about the growth of the trees, and I do not intend on finding out what it is. I simply wish to leave this place and go back home where a cup of coffee is waiting for me.

I know what you’re thinking, how could I have become so lost in the first place? Well, it all started when I listened to that twat Fred (have I mentioned him yet?). When I told him of the issue of escaping my brother for the day, he said that I should go for a hike in this forest that led him to a solution for a work problem. But perhaps this forest is only good for work problems and there is another forest for family problems entirely. Wouldn’t that be something? Some magical forest that could fix your family problems. I genuinely don’t think it would help my family.

I arrived at the start of the shortest trail thinking, ‘this will be quick. Just a half hour and I will be on my way with a refreshed mind.’ And it started out that way. I was making good time. The sun was high in the sky, and the birds were singing their marvelous songs. For just a moment, I felt peace and the issue I was trying to avoid did not seem so much like an issue anymore. There really was something about this hike in particular that I could not place my finger on that cleared my mind. Maybe the mountain looming in the distance made me feel a little smaller; thus, my trifles with life felt smaller as well. Why, this calmness within my gut even had me thinking that maybe that idiot Francis was right about this. In all his life, that dunce managed to get one thing right. But that moment of contentedness has passed, this forest has damned me, and he is still a moron. Anyhow, I digress.

I was making my way back down, admiring the stunning view, when I must have tripped on something. Do not ask me what it was for I have no idea. I was being very careful with every step I took. I am responsible that way, you see. My meager hand reached out for a branch to stop my fall but that weak thing broke anyway. Next thing I knew, I was taking a tumble down this small hill where twigs and whatnot were poking at my skin and getting tangled within my socks. This is when I landed on my knee. Though I was trembling, I managed to heft myself up and make my way back up to the marked areas for walking. At least I thought I was making my way back up to the trails. However, as I reached the top, things looked… different. The birds had stopped their wonderful tunes, the sun was lower and everything else I had described previously. I had continued my walking, excited to get home, when I came upon the same spot I had climbed up from with the scuffs in the dirt. I had continued my walking, again, only for the same thing to occur. The next time I began to walk, it was in a completely different direction altogether. Something in my mind convinced me I was making headway as new sights towered before me. It was only false hope as I came upon that broken branch.

That is how I ended up here and let me tell you something: when I arrive back to my abode, that minx Fraser is going to be hearing from me about how stupid he is for telling me this hike would help me at all. Then I am going to tell him how stupid he is for taking advice from a bunch of trees for something like a work issue instead of asking about the inner workings of the universe and how it will put someone like me in a labyrinth as small bit of humor for the day.

Now, are you going to keep giving me that funny look or are going to help me escape this wretched place?