The Report of the Year

Metropolitan Police Department

Incident Report No. 4721-B

Filed: August 27, 2025

Prepared by: Sgt. Harold Whitmore

I. SUBJECT

Unusual and fatal misadventure of one Mr. Gerald Horace Puffleton, Age 62, male resident of Sunnyvale, address withheld pending ongoing investigation into next of kin notification (though witnesses repeatedly yelled his name during the incident, so anonymity is a moot point).

II. LOCATION

Sunnyvale Community Park, Duck Pond #3 — hereafter referred to as the Scene.

Coordinates: 38°53′ North, 77°02′ West (approximately ten feet east of the park’s hotdog stand, and directly adjacent to the children’s swing set, which was, at the time of the incident, hosting six birthday attendees now suffering varying levels of psychological trauma).

III. TIME

Initial call to dispatch: 14:07 hours

Officer arrival: 14:14 hours

Pronouncement of death: 14:42 hours

Geese dispersal: still ongoing, uncooperative.

IV. SUMMARY OF EVENTS

At approximately 14:07 hours on August 27, 2025, this officer and patrol unit responded to a call concerning “a man locked in combat with a goose” at the above location. Multiple 911 calls were placed; recordings reviewed later revealed high volumes of uncontrollable laughter intermixed with urgent cries such as, “He’s in the water now!” and “Oh my God, he’s calling it a brigand!”

Upon arrival, subject Mr. Puffleton was discovered face-down in Pond #3, head firmly lodged in a faded inflatable flamingo floatation device (pink coloration, one wing partially deflated, later collected as Evidence Item 4721-B-1). Subject was non-responsive. A Canada goose, size estimated at 34 inches in height, was observed at a distance of 12 meters carrying a half-baguette in its beak.

Despite multiple attempts to resuscitate, subject was declared deceased on scene.

V. DETAILED ACCOUNT OF INCIDENT

A. Precipitating Factors

According to initial witness testimony, Mr. Puffleton was seated on a park bench enjoying what has been described as an “elaborate but precariously balanced picnic” consisting of:

One (1) unopened bottle of sparkling grape juice, brand “Fizzy Joe’s”

One (1) bag of assorted olives (spilled during altercation)

One (1) thermos of tomato bisque soup

One (1) French baguette, length 32 inches, described by witnesses as “his pride and joy”

At approximately 13:58 hours, a Canada goose approached the picnic, reportedly displaying aggressive posture (extended neck, hissing vocalizations). The goose seized the baguette with its beak and attempted to abscond.

Witnesses confirm subject shouted the phrase:

“Unhand my bread, you feathery brigand!”

This declaration was followed by his immediate pursuit of the goose into Pond #3.

B. Escalation of Incident

Subject entered the pond fully clothed in a three-piece tweed suit (tan, houndstooth pattern), including pocket watch and suspenders. Eyewitnesses state he removed his bowler hat and “dramatically tossed it to the ground” before wading in.

Subject attempted to engage the goose using a detached plank from a nearby bench, which he allegedly called “a sword of justice.” This officer notes the plank was waterlogged, splintered, and clearly unsuitable for combat.

The goose, undeterred, retained control of the baguette and circled the subject with what one witness described as “military precision.”

At approximately 14:06 hours, subject slipped on submerged algae, lost balance, and fell backwards into the pond. In doing so, his head entered an abandoned inflatable flamingo floatation ring. Subject became stuck and unable to self-extricate.

C. Fatal Sequence

Despite the pond’s depth of only 18 inches, the subject’s struggles forced the flamingo to float lower, creating an airtight seal around his face. Witnesses reported muffled shouting, including the phrases: “You’ll not defeat me, poultry scoundrel!” and “Tell my wife the soup was delicious!”

Witnesses attempted assistance but were slowed by uncontrollable laughter, several collapsing on the grass in hysterics. One individual reportedly attempted to record the altercation for social media, but dropped their phone into the pond during convulsions of laughter.

By the time officers arrived, subject had ceased movement.

VI. WITNESS STATEMENTS

Witness #1 – Mrs. Eloise Wetherby (Age 74)

“I told him not to antagonize the goose. I feed them every morning, and they’re ruthless little generals. But he wouldn’t listen, no, sir. He went marching in there like Napoleon in tweed. One moment, he’s yelling about honor, the next, he’s gone face-first into a flamingo. Quite frankly, it’s the most entertainment I’ve had since cable went out.”

Witness #2 – Mr. Kyle Ferguson (Age 19)

“Bro, I’ve never seen anything like it. Dude straight-up challenged the goose like it was a duel. Called it a brigand! Who even says brigand anymore? When he slipped, I legit thought he was gonna pop back up, but then the flamingo ring… oh man. It was like nature itself said, ‘Nah, you’re done.’ I tried to help, but I was crying laughing. Crying. I’m not proud, but I also kinda am.”

Witness #3 – Child, Age 7, name withheld

“The man lost to the goose. The goose is king now. We must obey the goose.”

VII. FORENSIC ANALYSIS

Scene investigation revealed:

Inflatable flamingo (Evidence 4721-B-1) with a strong odor of pond algae and minor traces of hair from subject’s scalp.

Baguette crumbs near the pond edge, consistent with goose tampering.

Pocket watch (Evidence 4721-B-2), stopped at 14:09, presumed to be the moment of pond immersion.

Soup thermos found uncapped, contents diluted in pond water. Several ducks observed consuming tomato bisque residue.

Medical examiner’s preliminary findings:

Cause of death: asphyxiation by inflatable flamingo compounded by submersion panic.

Contributing factors: hubris, goose provocation, wet tweed.

VIII. OFFICER OBSERVATIONS

This officer notes that while loss of life is regrettable, the absurdity of circumstance cannot be overlooked. Subject appeared to engage the goose not for sustenance but for principle, declaring ownership of the baguette in what may be the first recorded instance of food-based duel with waterfowl in county history.

Officer also notes difficulty in maintaining composure at the scene. At least three officers reported suppressing laughter during resuscitation attempts, citing “the sheer ridiculousness of it all.”

IX. FOLLOW-UP ACTIONS

Goose remains at large. Animal Control has been notified but expressed reluctance, stating, “That’s your problem now.”

Park Services instructed to remove inflatable flamingo float and post signage reading: “Warning: Shallow Water and Aggressive Geese. Enter at Own Risk.”

Counseling services offered to witnesses, particularly minors, are now convinced the goose has ascended to some form of local monarchy.

X. CONCLUSION

This incident has been classified as:

“Accidental death by self-inflicted aquatic misadventure, involving avian theft of bread product and faulty flotation device.”

No criminal charges to be filed.

No evidence of foul play (though significant foul play is evident).

Filed respectfully,

Sgt. Harold Whitmore

Metropolitan Police Department