technology troubles

Houston, we have a problem, that is what I said to my cat Houston who sat indifferently as I tried to get the TV to come on. The remote wasn't working again. I will now have to get the manual out and reprogram the thing, which takes forever! I leave the security of my nice warm bed and lumber through the apartment to find the book written in so many convenient different languages. I speak English, or at least the American variant of the language. I finally find it in the drawer of my desk stuffed in the back with a bunch of receipts that I have no idea what they are for. Anyway, I return to the bedroom with the instructions for the remote and my cat is still sitting on the pillow next to where I was laying comfortably in bed. Houston still has a somewhat regal air of indifference about the whole situation. So, I am thumbing through the instructions, and I finally find a list of codes. I program the remote, it takes 3 attempts. The number lock feature gets stuck, so I have to keep pressing it and entering the code again. Finally, I can watch TV as I can't sleep at 11 pm at night. So, I settle in and all of a sudden, the cat decides it wants to be petted. So, it leaps from the pillow it is occupying onto my lap. The remote goes flying off of the bed and hits the floor. Now I push the cat off me and slide back out of the bed looking for the remote. It has slid under the bed, so now I have to get the broom and fish it out. Houston is just lying on the bed enjoying the human show that has been created by his actions. I am on all fours and finally get hold of the remote and set the broom aside and crawl back into bed. The ensuing catastrophe has left the TV on a Korean channel. I cannot speak the language and I try to use the remote, but it isn't working again. I look at it and the back has come off and one of the batteries is missing. So back into the floor looking under the bed, using the light on my cellphone I see the small object in among the multitude of dust bunnies that live under my bed. I really need to vacuum but it doesn't work half the time either. I think it has a bad switch, but I am a sale associate not an electrician, so what do I know. Anyway, I fish the battery out along with a whole host of dust from long forgotten civilizations and get back into bed. I insert the battery and ugh, the remote will not work again. In utter frustration, I put the remote on my nightstand and turn out the light. Listless tossing and turning has to be better than this frustration. I finally drift off to sleep at some unholy hour of the morning. I know that it was sometime between 4 am an sunup because I heard the noise of my neighbor's child crying to be changed, fed or something a newborn wants at that hour. I am just entering a deep sleep when my alarm clocks, yes plural go off at the same time. I have reset these things 20 times but can never get them to set right. Instead of the soft radio clock coming on first with soft music, I get a mixture of smooth Jazz and

screech, screech, screech of the second clock I have to get me up in case I oversleep. I pull the pillow over my head only to get a moments reprieve. I feel something rubbing my feet, it is Houston working up a static charge to shock me into getting up to fix breakfast. So, I throw back the cover and get out of bed. The floor is cold, and I get chilled to the bone. I wonder what the hell as I shiver. I look around for my slippers and finally get them on in the half light of morning. I go to the thermostat in the living room, and it says 45 degrees inside the apartment. I am wide eyed now since my feet got a freezing shock after being shocked by Houston. I would call the building super right now, but I have to take my morning constitutional. So, I scurry off to the bathroom with the cat in tow. I get to relieve myself still shivering in my robe. I flush and then wash my hands only to find out that I have no hot water. Great, a cold shower is just what I need this morning. Something else technologically related to muck up my day. So, I move into the kitchen in my slippers and Pajamas. I see the coffee maker has done its job and coffee is in the pot, so thank God for small favors. I go over and get my mug and pour myself a cup with the cat rubbing my ankles meowing for his breakfast. I sit the cup down and get a can of cat food out of the cupboard. I pop it open and dump it into his dish. Now for at least a few moments I can get some peace. I pick up my coffee and take a great big swig, ugh it is cold. It is like drinking cold ink from an ink well. I put the cup in the sink as I have spat the content of the cup out. I go to the pot, and wouldn't you know it, the thing has reset itself. The thermostat isn't working on the pot. So now I need to get it reset. I fiddle with it a few moments and realize that the power must have gone off sometime during the night or the pot wouldn't have gone back to factory settings. I look at my wall clock and see that I am half an hour behind. No more time to waste, I head to the bathroom and strip off my clothes and turn on the shower. I know this isn't going to be pleasant, but I cannot go into work smelling like a catastrophe. So, into the cold water I go, shiver and shake like I was dancing to some old 50's rock and roll song. I hate bathing like this, I hated it in the Army, and I really hate it now. So military shower, get wet soap up, rinse off and get out. Doing my part to save the planet whether I want to or not. I get out and nearly slip on the floor, the mat has bunched up to one side. I really have to replace that thing. So, I get dried off with a towel, put on a robe and my slippers. I get into the kitchen and the coffee pot has finally brewed a moderately warm cup of coffee. I gargle it down as I eat a bagel with cream cheese. I go to my work area and turn on my laptop. It comes on and starts up, but crap now it wants to update. I try to click no with the mouse pad but too late. It says this will take 45 minutes; I cannot believe this! So, I leave the computer on its coffee break and go to the bedroom. I get my clothes out of the closet and begin getting dressed as my cat Houston observes from the comfort of the bed pillow, he likes to lay on. I can only imagine what he is thinking looking at me with Steele Grey eyes. Well, I don't have time to contemplate the philosophy of a tabby right now, I need to get going. I get back into the living room and my computer has gone to sleep. I nudge it awake and find that the updates are done. I begin to log on to the network so I can check my secure work email and nothing. The system says that it is down for maintenance. So, in frustration, I will just have to do this from my phone on the way into work. I get my smart phone and pick up my briefcase. I tell the cat not to cause any trouble, great now I am talking to my pet as if it were a person. I really need to get out of my apartment more. So, I finally get to the bus stop and get boarded. I find a seat and join countless others on my daily slog to a job downtown. I attempt to turn my phone on, and I silently scream with tears coming out my eyes and smoke shooting from my ears. The battery is dead, it didn't charge last night. I hate technology!