Hide and Seek

“Ready or not… here I come!”

Amanda uncovered her eyes and playfully whipped around to face the living room, absent of the child who had finally picked up that it wasn’t best to hide in the same place that the seeker was in. Regardless, Amanda checked just in case, knowing Jack loved to try tricking her.

“Hmm… not behind the couch,” Amanda noted aloud, listening for soft giggles that were sure to come.

Sure enough! There they were, echoing from down the hall.

Amanda sighed and shook her head fondly. Jack was only seven, but it was too easy to get that kid to give himself away.

“Now… where could you be?” Amanda poked her head into the kitchen briefly, feigning ignorance, before slowly making her way down the carpeted hallway, decorated with family photos and framed crayon drawings that were getting better by the day. 

“Come out, come out, wherever you are~!” 

Another giggle, barely muffled, and Amanda knew immediately where it was coming from.

And she froze, muscles going rigid and footsteps ceasing as she saw-

The closet. 

She swallowed the aching lump in her throat.

Of course. 

Come on, you’re fine with the game, she thought to herself, why can’t you be okay with this, too?

But she knew why. It had taken over a year for her to be comfortable with closets in general, being around them, and reaching in for whatever she happened to need. The doors used to be taken off for her own comfort, but she had finally gotten the nerve to put them back on a few years ago.

Even so, the thought of Jack being in there made her sick to her stomach.

Steps stiffer than before, Amanda approached the closet, another muffled laugh sounding through the doors.

It was all for Jack. Whatever she felt wasn’t important.

“Hmm… let’s see,” she pondered aloud, “not in the living room, not in the kitchen… not in the bathroom, either. I wonder…”

She tapped a finger on her chin, standing right in front of the closet and slowly descending to a crouch. 

“Maybe…” she gripped the handle, poised and ready, “... in here!” 

She pulled open the door, and there was Jack, jumping in joyous surprise and tilting back in laughter before scrambling out of the closet and into her arms.

“You found me!” he exclaimed as she stood with him.

“You’re getting better at this!” Amanda praised, ruffling his coilly hair as they entered the kitchen, “Keep it up, and we’ll need the two of us to find you.”

As if on cue, Nancy pushed open the sliding back door with her foot before nearly stumbling in with an armful of freshly picked fruits and vegetables, carrot leaves partially obscuring her face.

“Alright, before you say anything,” she began, hauling the basket onto the counter and shaking her hands free of dirt, “I know I should’ve started picking everything like two weeks ago, but you have to admit,” she gestured enormously to the harvest on the counter, “it’s a lot cooler when I don’t.”

Amanda rolled her eyes, a smile pulling at her cheeks.

“Can’t give up the chance to be dramatic, can you?”

“I would be a disgrace to theatre geeks everywhere if I did.”

“Whatever you say,” Amanda leaned over to press a kiss to the corner of Nancy’s mouth, “But remember, the more dirt you track into this house the more you have to clean it.”

Nancy smirked cheekily.

“Oh, you know you love it.”

“Mmm, maybe.”

“You guys are gross!” Jack complained as Amanda set him down, wrinkling his nose.

“Just you wait, kid,” said Nancy, “one day you’ll find someone you wanna be gross with. Or not. Whatever works for you.”

Ring ring ring.

“That’s me!” Amanda called as she made a beeline for her phone where she left it resting in the living room, picking it up as soon she got there.

She furrowed her brow. It was a number she didn’t recognize, with no Caller ID available, but the location was clearly visible.

Durant, Oklahoma.

Amanda swallowed thickly as she answered.

“Hello?”

“Hello! Is this Mrs… Amanda Mannings?”

The voice was a woman’s, clearly younger than herself and with a bright and welcoming tone. Amanda bit her lip, but nodded.

“Yes, it is.”

“Wonderful!” the woman exclaimed, “Listen, I know this is really sudden, and it might sound kind of weird, but, um… I purchased your old home in Silo, because it was thought it was really cute and that I could fix up the place, ’cause, you know, big cities have never really been my thing, and… well, I just… heard from the locals that it used to be your house and that nobody has touched it in years since the whole, uh… well, y-you would already know about that, obviously, ’cause you were there and all, b-but I was just wondering!... I was wondering if you wanted to come see it before I... you know, do all my renovating stuff?”

Amanda’s mind had gone blank. The only thing she could register was the words from the other woman’s mouth and the growing concern on Nancy’s face as she wandered to the border of the kitchen and living room. Jack trailed behind her, looking between his mothers with utmost confusion.

The room felt cold, and Amanda could barely notice that she was shaking.

“I-I’m sorry,” the woman apologized, “I know you’re probably busy, a-and you probably don’t even want to come see the house because of the… things… y-you know what, uh… just forget that I called, I should’ve really thought this through better, and-”

“W-wait, no,” Amanda interrupted, choking on her own words, “sorry, you just… caught me by surprise, I-I didn’t mean to make it seem like I was saying no.”

“No, no, that’s alright! I kind of just barged in asking, so…”

“... what did you say your name was?”

“O-oh! Julia! I’m… I’m Julia.”

“Well, thank you, Julia, that’s very… thoughtful, you definitely didn’t have to do that. I’ll… can I get back to you on that?”

“Yeah, for sure!” said Julia, “No pressure! I’m not doing anything to it for at least a couple more weeks, so… anytime you want!”

“Great… bye now.”

The “end call” button was heavy under the pad of her thumb. Her throat constricted. Her chest ached. Nancy came forward, resting a gentle hand on her shoulder.

“Mandy? Everything alright?”

Tears swelling at the edges of her eyes, Amanda wasn’t sure how to answer that.

~~~*~~~

“So… are you going to go?”

It was late in the evening, and Jack had already been put to bed. Twilight had faded, the day melting into the night, and Amanda lay sprawled out on their bed as Nancy dried her hands on a bath towel and came to sit beside her.

As much as she had tried to continue with her day, the phone call had knocked her off her feet. She had spent the better part of the afternoon holed up between the office and bedroom, and the better half of the evening in her current. Nancy had managed to convince her to eat dinner and change into more comfortable clothing while she handled Jack. Amanda couldn’t help the shame that bubbled in her gut at just leaving the two of them by themselves.

“Hey,” Nancy breathed as she lay down beside her, tapping Amanda’s forehead with one dirt-stained fingertip, “what’s going on in that head? Talk to me…”

A heavy sigh escaped Amanda’s lips.

“I just… didn’t expect it, was all.”

Nancy smiled.

“That’s fair. Never figured someone would call you about it, huh?”

“I never thought someone would bother calling me about it. It’s been almost thirty years; you’d think they would’ve torn the place down by now...”

“Well...” Nancy shrugged, twirling a strand of Amanda’s shoulder-length hair around one finger, “I guess not.”

They lay there in silence, the fan spinning overhead and casting gentle shadows onto the white ceiling. She remembered doing the same a long time ago, in a different world, in a different place, when everything had been okay and Hide and Seek wasn’t so scary. She still wished she could go back.

Maybe, this time, she could.

“I’m going,” Amanda announced, eyes fixated on the whirring fan blades. Beside her, Nancy stopped toying with her hair.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I… I never wanted to go back there before. I don’t even think I really want to, but... I think I need to.”

“Alright,” Nancy smiled, “but if it’s just going to hurt you more, don’t go. I know I can’t understand what happened, but… you know it wasn’t your fault, right? You don’t have to do this if you really don’t want to.”

(“It’ll be okay… just pretend Daddy’s coming home, alright?”)

Amanda scrubbed at her eyes, the loose sleeves of her nightshirt soft against her skin. She bit her lip, but nodded.

“I know.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Nancy asked, “I’m sure Marissa won’t mind watching Jack for a couple days.”

For the first time all evening, a smile appeared on Amanda’s face, and she turned to look at Nancy. For all of her dramatic flare and endearing recklessness, she always seemed to know exactly what to say, even if the words failed her at times. Amanda knew she never had quite deserved Nancy, but, in moments like this, she could pretend that she did.

She took Nancy’s steady hand and smiled wider.

“I’d like that.”

The hand in hers held firm, and, for a moment, she could feel like she was back home again.

~~~*~~~

“Wow, you weren’t kidding when you said this town was small,” said Nancy as she took in the town of Silo with curious eyes, looking between the windshield and passenger window as they made their way down the thin roads.

“It’s more like a village, really,” Amanda shrugged, turning on her signal light, “there’s only a few hundred people here. Always has been.”

“Seems cozy,” Nancy said, shrugging, “if you’re into that kind of thing.”

Amanda smiled, but didn’t respond.

It was strange, being back. Nothing had changed much, but she had been very young when she had left. Even though they now lived in the suburbs, the wide-open spaces and thin roads of Silo made her skin crawl. The houses were spaced far apart in most instances, granting plenty of land to each residence, and near-complete isolation in some cases. 

She wondered if the neighbors would’ve heard her screaming if she had done so.

It didn’t take long to get to the desired destination, a lot less long than Amanda would’ve preferred. A small blue car was already parked in the gravel driveway, a young woman leaning awkwardly against the hood, her curly blonde hair tied up in a loose bun atop her head, and her purse clutched in both hands. She perked up at the sight of them, and a full, cheery smile spread across her face as she stood up and waved at them with a bounce in her step.

She looks excited, Amanda thought, the words bitter in her mind. I wished she didn’t.

But she couldn’t fault Julia for that; she knew it wasn’t fair.

“Hi, I’m so glad you could make it,” Julia greeted as they got out of the car, readily shaking Amanda’s hand when she offered it, “I know it might be kind of awkward, with me being here and all, but, uh… well, you know!”

“Thanks for inviting us,” Amanda replied, smiling tightly.

“And you must be… Naaaancy?”

“That’s my name, kid, don’t wear it out.”

Nancy and Julia exchanged pleasantries, but Amanda couldn’t make herself focus on that. The only thing that drew her attention, pulling her forward with the gravel digging into the soles of her shoes, was the house.

Her childhood home still stood, unchanged since the day she was taken away apart from the apparent erosion of time, weather, and lack of management. Overgrown weeds littered the old walkway, sprawling vines of new and old ivy covered the exterior in a thick coat, many roof shingles missing in haphazard splotches. Boards hid some of the windows from view. She briefly recalled the distant sound of glass shattering.

The sky was clear. The sun beat down its hopeful rays from behind her as it continued to rise, not even granting any sinister shadows to take comfort in.

It was almost insulting.

“Are you ready?” Nancy asked, taking her hand as she came up beside her. Julia came in on her other side, pulling the house keys out of her purse and looking at her expectantly. 

Her entire life had been spent hiding from it, running, burying herself in the darkest corners where none it could ever find her. But she was tired. She didn’t want to hide anyway.

Gripping Nancy’s hand firmly, Amanda steeled herself and nodded.

“Yeah.”

~~~*~~~

It was different from what she remembered. The night she was carried away, clutching onto the back of a uniform and her face buried in someone’s shoulder, had been a stricken blur. There had been people all around, their garbled words incomprehensible to her ears. There was no one there now but the three of them.

The television had been on, playing for hours upon hours, showing constant reruns of old westerns and casting an eerie glow into the room. There was no television now. All of the furniture had been covered with white sheets and thin layers of plastic, the walls stripped bare of the framed portraits and family photos that had once littered the now old, peeling wallpaper.

It used to smell like vanilla-scented candles and her mother’s perfume. Now, the musty scent of dust and old memories was all that remained.

Julia and Nancy didn’t say anything. They watched her as she walked across the old carpet, recalling the soft fuzz under her feet and the antique rug that her father had insisted on. Had they cleaned all the glass away or were there still minuscule shards buried somewhere in the fibers?

Unconsciously did she make her way on the hallway, arms wrapped around herself in an empty embrace that did nothing to block the reality around her. Still, she tried to ignore the stinging in her eyes and the horrible throbbing in her chest, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth as she zeroed in on the room she remembered the most, the only one that had ever mattered.

The hand-made wood sign on the door was long gone, a small hole from the nail the only proof that it had been there. There were still little, star-shaped stickers on the doorknob, though.

Blue, pink, gold. Pretty.

The cold metal bit into her skin as she twisted it open.

Her footsteps were slow, unsteady. As she walked through the wood-splintered threshold, a different carpet greeted her with familiarity as she walked into the poor simulacrum of her childhood.

Out of everything, it was still the same.

Bright pink walls were stained with smears of water damage, the flowered wallpaper rolling into ugly curls at the edges and all around. The shelves where childhood books and toys had once sat were empty but for intricate webs of dust. The faint odor of mold permeated the moist air, willing away the memory of detergent-washed sheets and garden flowers. Her eyes glided across the room, taking in the boarded window where she used to wait to watch her father pulling into the driveway; the empty space where her small blackboard had once hung covered in chalk drawings of imaginary friends; the bed, now only a bedframe, where she would spend hours making her dolls talk to each other and sew together the amateur beaded bracelets of a six-year-old and wrap herself in heavy blankets with a cup of warm cocoa in her hands, listening to the rain rumbling outside.

The carpet beneath her feet used to be plush, soft; used to sink beneath her feet, leaving soft impressions that only encouraged her to continue to walk all over it, again and again, laughing as she went. Her eyes followed to where the stains were uneven, a hint of rust still noticeable in the washed-out nature of it in front of the closet door, just barely hanging off its hinges after no one bothered to fix it, giving way to the recollection of hanging clothes belonging to a little girl she couldn’t remember. 

She used to hide in there every time her father came home, waiting for him to find her and wrap her in his arms and keep her safe. It was fun. One might think she would’ve learned to find a different hiding place, but that hadn’t been the point.

Shaking fingers brushed against the decaying wood that had been shut in her face as her mother shoved her inside, ignoring her confused queries and telling her to pretend Daddy was coming home - only she didn’t want to be found this time. Slowly, she looked down at the stains at her feet, remembering the putrid stench of metal and the weight lying against the closet door for two days before she was found.

Her grip tightened, the tears burning and falling in painful rivers. A strangled sob escaped her throat as she sank to her knees, coming up with feelings she had been playing hide and seek with for far too long. Two pairs of hands rested on either side of her, whispers of comfort breaking through her senses and pulling her into an embrace she couldn’t hide from.

“It’s okay, Mandy,” Nancy whispered, hands gently weaving through her hair, “I’m here. We’re here. You’re not alone; it’s okay.”

It had been a long time. A long, long time. But it was okay. It would be okay. And for the first time in thirty years, she felt like she could breathe again.