Silence

The sun lazily climbed above the trees, stretching her rays after a long night's sleep as the leaves welcomed her warmth. The cold winds migrating to the northern hemisphere had stripped most vegetation from its lush green hue, however life continued to flourish. Small critters rustled in the fallen leaves, flowers stubbornly showed off their petals to bitterly cold raindrops, and any person sparing a moment to glance out their window couldn't help but grin at the gorgeous sight. For many, this season brought peaceful tranquility.

"Tommy?"

I blinked out of my thoughts, turning to find Hazel watching me with that infamous smile on her lips; curt, polite, patient as always. I smiled back, glancing at our florist and chuckled. The vibrations of my laugh still felt strange, and I felt myself wince as the noise channeled its way to my head.

"I'm sorry, please continue." I attempted to sound normal, but of course Hazel saw through me. She simply turned back to the woman in front of us, flashing a grin that I fell head over heels with years ago.

"We'll go for the roses, white ones," Hazel chirped helpfully. "My family does have the utmost important tradition after all, certainly it must be upheld!"

"Of course," the florist purred, clearly enjoying Hazel's inquiries more than mine. I haven't the faintest clue about what flowers weddings should have, where they're placed or why yellow flowers are to be avoided at all costs. I spared a glance back out the window, urging myself to listen past the excited conversation my wife was having with our... oh, who am I kidding. Calling Hazel's mother a florist was weird, no matter how many times she asked us to not let that get in the way of our decision-making. I spotted a dandelion, growing strong against our wooden fence, and couldn't help but wonder... yellow really wasn't that bad...

Mrs. Heaven's exasperated voice cut through my thoughts. "Tom, please!"

I flinched back to attention, chuckling nervously. "Please don't smack me."

"Tommy!" Hazel gasped, giving my shoulder a rub. "You know she stopped doing that years ago!"

I grinned as Mrs. Heaven put on her best offended face before waving her hand at me, doing that chattering laugh of hers that hurt my ears so much. I laughed along forcefully, unable to stop the twitch of my head at the uncomfortable strain. Hazel glanced over, subtly signing to me.

Hearing aids acting up again?

I stifled a sigh and gave her a curt nod, feeling the back of my neck prickle as Mrs. Heaven's expression turned confused. Hazel cleared her throat, putting on that cute little smile she always done before she apologizes.

"Super sorry mommy, but can we discuss placement tomorrow? Tommy's feeling tired, and you know how he gets."

"Of course darling; Tom, mister," Mrs. Heaven gave my shoulder a playful nudge. "Learn to speak for yourself, you have a speech to prepare!"

I grinned along to their laughter harmonizing, unable to stop the uncomfortable twinge at my temple. Everything was so loud, too loud...

"Thank you mommy!" Hazel practically jumped up, skittering around the table for a hug. I awkwardly stood, reaching across the surface for a hug; Mrs. Heaven did her back pat, and I allowed a quick squeeze before letting her go. I let Hazel lead her out and thankfully took out my hearing aids, relishing the sounds becoming muted. Sure, it wasn't completely silent, but it was so much better than sharp sound waves piercing my temple. I leaned against the windowsill, breathing out a sigh as wind gently brushed my face. My mind wandered, watching leaves dance with each other and the clouds sluggishly exploring the sky. I pressed my forehead against the glass, feeling myself enjoying the quiet... such a contrast from two months ago, when...

I pushed myself away from the windowsill, swallowing roughly as my breath hitched. I accidentally knocked into the table and scrambled away from it, clearing my throat as I scratched a spot behind my ear. The same spot. Every time.

A blur of vision flickered in the corner of my eye and I glanced up to see Hazel standing a few feet away. She kept her smooth hands firmly clasped right under her chin, eyes shining with worry as she watched me. We stayed in our spots, watching each other, until she finally brought her hands in front of her.

Why are you crying?

I shakily brought a hand up to my cheek, letting out a pathetic sound as I felt hot tears. Everything felt hot, my forehead burned as my chest heaved. I shook my head.

"Just-" I swallowed as my muted voice sounded, and attempted to sound convincing. "Just stress, honeyberry, nothing more."

Hazel made her way to me, grabbing my hands and leading me to the couch. We sat down and she took a breath, clearly nervous; I felt her hands tremble ever so slightly and her lips furrowed together before putting her hands up, making sure I could see them.

I know you want to tell me something. She raised a finger as I opened my mouth, clearly signalling for me to wait. I do not know what this something is. But you are distracted, stressed. Please tell me what it is. We both promised not to keep secrets from one another.

I rubbed my face, feeling more sobs bubbling up as I attempted to hold myself together. I grabbed her hands, chewing my lip as she watched me. Never ending patience was one of her best traits, and she was clearly using her entire willpower as she waited for me. I finally kissed her knuckles, choosing my words carefully as I loosened my grip.

You know how I had schizophrenia?

Hazel visibly stiffened, eyes going slightly wide. The topic was one that we sparsely talked of, though there were daily reminders... the burns on my thighs, the hearing aids, the gruesome scar right behind my left ear. Hazel gently touched my thigh, bringing me to attention as she carefully signed.

Do you hear things again?

I shook my head, and Hazel gave a small sigh; no doubt she was relieved. A small jab of hurt echoed in my ribs but I pushed myself to continue. I raised my hands again, giving her a pleading look.

Please hear me out. Promise to take me as seriously as you can, alright?

Hazel nodded seriously. I took a deep breath, rubbing my eyebrow as I replayed the speech over in my head. Ever since I had met Hazel, I knew I loved her. She was my entire world, from the moment she sat next to me and gave me that gorgeous apologetic smile, asking to sit in my spot, because she couldn't see the blackboard...

I never had schizophrenia. Hazel, I swear on you with every drop of blood in my body, I was able to hear my future.

Hazel watched me, face blanking. I lowered my hands, watching her expressions. She gave me a few blinks, a rare frown, then a cautious smile. I gave her a look, and she shook her head as I put my hands back up.

I know, it sounds like I am mad, but it is true. Please Hazel, I need you to take me seriously.

Hazel looked at me, shaking her head in disbelief. I dropped my hands, sighing as I drooped my head. Hazel brought my face back up, but I could hardly look at her. Who was I, thinking she would believe me? Hearing the future? She gently tapped my forehead, and as I glanced at her I could see her conflicted gaze. It was the same look when she held me in her arms, trying to calm me as I twitched feebly, overcome with sounds and painful reactions; how she wanted to help me, but didn't even know where to start.

Can you explain?

I shook my head, only to glance back at her. A small realization came upon me; if she heard me out, even if she didn't believe me, she would understand my issue. The silence in the room pierced my head, but I forced myself to prod Hazel's knee. She leaned forward, clearly all eyes on me as I began to explain.

Explaining is not easy. I have tried to explain my experience to myself, therapists and parents more times than I can count, but I do not have the right words. All my memories are not from my past, because... the overwhelming future memories, as I call them, never let past memories form properly. These future memories, Hazel, they appeared in... Random flashes of information. Some words, some visuals. Sometimes they were not physically understandable, just sharp messages and commands, like brain waves. It is so hard to explain, I wish I knew how to. I physically could not think some days, Hazel. I would stress out over painful signals because I did not know what was to come in the coming weeks. I would flinch and jerk around because my body told me so, even though it was the middle of the night and I was trying to sleep... how I wish I could sleep, Hazel, I was fading every day, little by little.

Hazel's eyes brimmed with tears, but she watched my signing as my fingers began trembling.

I tried to figure out how to use it to my advantage, but all I could figure out was I could see one year into the future. That was all, I could not get anything else from those... wretched memories. Hazel, I wish I could make you understand the feeling of being so out of control, you just need... I needed distractions, I tried everything. I began smoking behind my parents back. At first it seemed to work, but slowly the effects wore off. I did unimaginable things, Hazel, and I'm sure you know what they are.

Hazel slammed a hand over her mouth, a sob escaping her; I saw it rock her body and in her tears. I grabbed her hand, squeezing it as tightly as I allowed myself before I continued. Tears threatened to overflow, but I forced myself to continue. Hazel had to know. My honeyberry, my fiancé, my will to live had every right to know.

One day, it was absolutely awful. I felt shocks of pain, reactions to horrid, painful things. I was fighting my future self without any weapons, no control, it was a losing battle... I had lost all hope. My family felt alienated, nothing seemed real anymore. So I went to my father's shed-

Hazel grabbed my hands, pulling them around her as she sobbed into my shoulder. I held her tightly, heaving with suppressed tears. I slowly moved her onto my lap, rocking us as the memories flashed in front of my eyes. The shaky loading of the gun, pressing it against my temple... my hands shaking too hard, feeling a hot bite right near my ear... waking up in the hospital, hearing forever ruined, the sensations flashing through my mind worse than ever...

Hazel pulled herself away from me, eyes bright red as she held my face. I looked into those gorgeous brown eyes, seeing her exact thoughts through them; of course, she felt conflicted. How could this be real? But she felt my pain. As she grabbed my face and kissed me, she was ready to help me in any way she could. Hazel quickly leaned back, wiping her tears away as I reached into my pockets, pulling out the case holding my hearing aids. I slipped them on, well aware of Hazel's eyes trailing on me. I silently put them on, flinching slightly at the sound of her ragged breathing along with mine. She smiled weakly, kissing my cheek gently as she held me once more.

"I'm so sorry, Tommy," she whispered, backing away to give me another kiss. I grabbed her hands, feeling myself choking with helplessness.

"The memories stopped two months after I got out of the hospital."

Hazel sighed, relieved, as her frame relaxed slightly. I watched her face, the room filling with silence. Hazel glanced up at me, attempting a smile, only for it to drop. Silence rushed into the room, our thoughts echoing around the room. Hazel slowly covered her mouth, letting herself slowly fall into me. I held her tightly, planting a kiss on her head as I finally let my sobs replace the silence.

My hearing aids showering my senses with heart wrenching, uninterrupted sound.