The Tennis Duo

"You ready to beat these punks tonight?"

"I guess."

"You guess? Get excited, Adam!"

"It's just tennis, Pop Pop."

"I'm eighty years old and I fought in the early days of World War One, and for goodness sakes, I'm excited about playing tennis tonight!"

"Your math is way off. You'd have to be about one hundred and twenty-five to be able to say that."

"What did I say?"

"That you fought in the early days of World War one."

"You're right. I'm way off. I meant the early days of the Vietnam War."

"Pop Pop, you never fought in the war. You were a marine but.."

"Once a marine, always a marine!"

"Fine. Did you get the tennis balls tonight?"

"Oh no, is it my turn?"

"Don't worry about it. I bought some. You can buy my gin and tonic at dinner tonight instead."

"A gin and tonic is more expensive than buying the tennis balls."

"Well, then you should've bought the tennis balls."

"This is elder abuse!"

"Whatever. So, listen, my knee is acting up again. So, don't go up to the net tonight or they'll keep lobbing it over your head and I'll have to run all over the place."

"You are a gazelle; you were made to run all over the place."

"I'm fifty-seven years old. I'm overweight. I'm no gazelle."

"I think you are."

"I think, at your age, you think everyone is a gazelle. Seriously, Pop Pop, if you do what you did at last week's match, I'm gonna lose it!"

"What did I do last week?"

"You kept yelling, "Yours!" whenever you didn't feel like going for the ball."

"So what? That's what I'm supposed to do when I think I can't get it."

"Pop Pop! The ball literally hit you in the arm twice when you yelled, "Yours!"'

"Okay, okay. I'll try a little harder tonight. How was work today? You seem on edge."

"Work sucked, Pop Pop. I think our company is in trouble."

"Try taking more naps during the day."

"More naps? At work?"

"Oh sure. I take at least two naps a day and I feel great!"

"Okay. So, let's unpack that. You are retired. You can nap. If I take a nap at work, I don't think that's going to help anyone."

"Did you bring me a water?"

"What?"

"I forgot my water bottle tonight. Did you bring me one?"

"Oh my God! How in the hell would I know you would forget your water? I just have mine."

"Can I have some of it?"

"How about I pour some of it over your head?"

"That won't help my thirst and you know it."

"Why don't you just go buy a bottle upstairs at the front desk?"

"I don't want to go all that way. Plus, it's expensive."

"Listen, I'll give you some of my water tonight if you just concentrate on playing tennis. Can you do that?"

"Are you excited about dinner tonight? I love that waitress with the big knockers."

"And there goes your ration of water. You're not even out of your sweatshirt. Come on, we have to warm up, I see them coming down the stairs."

"Do you think one of them brought any tennis balls?"

"It was your turn, so I doubt it."

"I bet one of them did. I always forget. They know that."

"I think you forget on purpose to save money. And you're richer than all of us."

"Well, that's because I don't waste my money on tennis balls."

"Do your stretches, Pop Pop. I really need you to try hard tonight."

"Okay, okay. You're gonna be a gazelle tonight, though, right?"

"Yes, Pop Pop. I'll have your back."

"Okay, good. Because I want to beat these bastards."

"Fine, Pop Pop. We'll try."

"Now where did I put my racket?"

"It's in your left hand."

"But I'm a righty."

"Yes, you are. Switch hands."

"Are we going to play golf on Friday?"

"No, Pop Pop. We're playing on Sunday."

"Why not Friday?"

"I have to work. You're playing with Connie on Friday, right?"

"Connie, who?"

"Connie, your wife. Stop screwing around. We'll see you at the course on Sunday at eleven."

"Eleven in the morning?"

"No, eleven at night."

"No, seriously. Why so late?"

"Because I will be sleeping. We're playing at Black Swan. Don't forget."

"Black Swan is a tough course!"

"It's a beautiful course. It's pretty forgiving."

"Forgiving, huh? You said that last time we played there and I lost at least a dozen golf balls."

"That's because you suck, Pop Pop."

"I should be able to use the woman's tees."

"Why, do you have a vagina?"

"I wish! I'd play with myself all day."

"Jesus Christ, you're grossing me out."

"Well, can I play from the elderly tees?"

"Yeah...you always do. I play from the blues and you play from the gold tees."

"But I want to hit from where you hit. We're in the same cart for God's sakes!"

"Pop Pop, what in the hell does that have to do with anything?! I hit from the blues. I pull up the cart. Then you hit from the golds."

"I want to hit from where you hit."

"I feel like you're aging me, Pop Pop."

"They have the cart girl on Sundays, right?"

"Yes, I'll buy you a cold beer."

"And the cart girl?"

"I doubt she's for sale."

"What if she was?"

"Then she'd be a prostitute."

"A prostitute that sells beer and snacks and her body! While I'm playing golf! How wonderful would that be."

"Sounds like quite the round, Pop Pop."

"All of those cart girls are so damn good looking. In my day, I'd do things that I don't want to tell you about."

"Good, because I don't want to hear it."

"When I was young, I had all the girls I wanted."

"That's great, Pop Pop. Tie your sneakers."

"Oh right. I have to tie them real tight."

"That would be good."

"You know, if I fall at my age I could die."

"Well, then, don't fall."

"The girls used to fall for me back in the day. I'm telling you."

"Well, the girls in this day that fall for you would break a hip."

"That's a death sentence at our age!"

"Right, I think we covered that already."

"Do you think I have dementia?"

"Probably. Do you?"

"I don't know. If I do, I forgot about it."

"You're tiring me out."

"If I ever do get dementia, I want you to promise to kill me."

"I wish you told me that a year ago."

"No, seriously. I don't want to be a burden."

"Well, I could hit you over the head right now with my racket but then we'd have to forfeit the match tonight."

"I love you, Adam."

"Oh no. Not this."

"Say it back to me!"

"God damn it, Pop Pop! We have to get on the court now."

"Say it back or I'm not sharing my water with you."

"I'm the one that has to share my water with you. You forgot yours, remember?!"

"So, you are going to share your water with me? Out!!!"

"Why in the hell are you yelling, "Out?!"

"I'm practicing. They hit it out a lot."

"Pop Pop, you're killing me."

"Say it back to me before we go on the court, Adam."

"I'm going to kill you."

"Nope. Say it or I'm not going to try tonight."

"Yes, you will."

"Say it."

"I love you, Pop Pop. Now move your ass, please?"