Loving Arms of a Robot

The woodsy smell of sandalwood soap greeted my nose, as I watched the steam delicately roll out from the cracks in the bathroom door. The sound of water beating like rain against the shower curtain and fiberglass floor of the bathtub, soothed me. I opened Julian’s leather messenger bag with the intent of leaving a handwritten note. Inside his bag, a photograph caught my eye.  

The photo was of him wearing a white lab coat, a man and a woman in military uniforms, and a woman in a lab coat similar to his. With a glance at the sleek, black glasses on his face, I rolled my eyes. My whole childhood I was bullied for wearing glasses, and then fell in love with a man who purposefully wore them because they looked intelligent and sexy. They certainly did on him. Turning my eyes to the woman in the lab coat, dread churched in my gut. Did I know her? Her hair spiraled in such tight cooper coils they looked like slinkies. Freckles dotted her plump cheeks and there was a smugness in those green eyes. She was pretty, but not his type. Why did I feel worried? 

I turned the photograph over and saw a note written on the back. We’ve all made sacrifices, but this is worth it. Be proud of this. Don’t let anyone’s doubts get in the way. Remember, even if no one else does, I get you. Soon we’ll control the world. Muhahaha! Then there was a heart and the name Molly. 

I heard the thud of the water gushing out in one final dramatic release after the shower had been turned off. I shoved the photo back in the bag, quickly added my note to the top, and wandered into the kitchen to patiently wait by the breakfast masterpiece I had cooked for him. The words from the back of the photo spun around in my head. What any of it referred to, I couldn’t guess. These days he barely came home. A work project consumed him. Sometimes he didn’t even seem human anymore, but more like a mindless robot that trudged through each monotonous day. Of course, I didn’t even know what he did for work. It was all top secret.

He walked in the room shirtless rubbing a towel through his dark brown hair. His hair was getting long, and his facial hair full, which wasn’t surprising given how preoccupied work kept him. It did surprise me he managed to stay so fit. He didn’t have time to work out.

He tossed the towel carelessly over the back of a kitchen chair, then kissed my forehead before sitting in front of the eggs, bacon, and fruit. He smiled at me and said, “thanks.”

“Maybe tonight we could do something. A date night?” The nerves were tingling in my body with such an intensity it felt like I asked him on a first date.

“I have to work late,” he said while shoveling food into his mouth so quickly I wondered if he even tasted it. The watermelon had been cut into heart shapes, but I doubt he noticed.

“You know in movies a man working late is practically code for─”

“But this isn’t a movie, and you trust me.”

Do I? Should I? My heart hardened and verbal venom pooled on my tongue, but then I looked into those stormy eyes of his and his sincerity crashed over me like a rogue wave. I can trust him. I know that. “I miss you.”

“I know it’s hard for you.” He picked a raspberry out of the fruit salad and examined it. Then discarded it into a napkin and continued eating.

That wasn’t really the reassurance I hoped for. Maybe I needed to hear it was hard for him too. I looked away from him and already cowered under the sting of embarrassment as I softly asked, “Who is Molly?”

His eyes narrowed. “Molly? What’re you talking about?”

“I left a note in your bag and saw her name. Just curious.”

He rolled his eyes. “Molly’s a total psycho I work with. Look, stop this. You’re making yourself crazy. Everything is fine. It’s a stupid work project. It’ll be done soon, and everything will be okay.”

“What if you take a day off? They must give you sick time.”

He ran his fingers through his still damp hair. “Not when you’re saving the world.”

She wrote controlling it.

“Is it bad I don’t care?”

He grinned. “I love you.”

“I love you more.”

“You might,” he teased. “I’ll figure something out, okay? Don’t worry.”

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Focusing on project calculations while my brain scanned through possible relationship solutions didn’t work well. Chloe was right about one thing. I did need a break. As much as I tried to sound optimistic with her, I couldn’t see an end anywhere on the horizon. She didn’t understand what was at stake. This project had the ability to save lives, but it carried an eeriness I couldn’t shake. The test soldiers all showed a certain detachment, as if this were a video game. The real-life consequences mattered, and only I seemed concerned with that.

I scrutinized the model before me for any indication he was anything but an authentic living human. I couldn’t believe what we’d accomplished. Each model looked, felt, and acted so alive. Seeing them and knowing they were made of wires internally could really mess a person up. That’s when the idea hit me. What if I replicated myself? Chloe would never know the difference. I could keep my hands working on the project, while interacting with her. The ultimate multitasking.

When everyone left for the night, I stayed behind a few hours to craft my robotic self. Chloe would be mad I stayed so late, but then she’d have so much time with me she’d forget her anger. Besides, I mastered the art of winning her forgiveness years ago.

After inspecting each detail meticulously, I sent Robot Julian home to Chloe and curled up on an office couch for a quick respite while he traveled. Robot Julian had the energy I lacked for massages, cuddling, kissing, and endless talking. Luckily, I found a way to adjust his program slightly to perform actions on command without needing my movements to copy. It didn’t take long with him for her facial features to noticeably relax, her heartbeat to slow, and her anger to subdue. Watching her through the cameras of Robot Julian’s eyes, reminded me how beautiful she looked when she danced around with a mop, curled her body into a ball on the hammock chair to read a book, or scrunched up her nose each time her father said something cringe inducing on the phone. I missed so much from relentless work hours.

In the morning, Robot Julian ran his fingers through her amber hair and whispered sweet things, while I tested sample soldier’s in person shooting accuracy against their long distance replica controlled shooting accuracy. In the afternoon, they played a trivia game while he massaged her feet, and I shot at the replica robots to test their blood splatter, my favorite job. When I spoke into the microphone, he spoke. I told her I want to go to the beach since it’s her favorite. Robot Julian helped her find unbroken shells and they created a small sand village for the Starfish Lord to rule over.

Molly barked out orders while waving around a sandwich and hurling bits of lettuce through the air. She talked between bites and mayonnaise oozed down her chin. I distracted myself from my strong repulsion by admiring the way Chloe’s skin glowed in the orange and pink rays of the setting sun. The camera footage is fed through a headset so no one else saw the longing in her sky-blue eyes right before she kissed Robot Julian. It made me want to configure the system in a way that I can feel what he feels, but that wouldn’t be useful for the project. Soldiers aren’t going to want to feel the gunshots and explosions and shrapnel when it pierces their skin.

I’m delighted to see in Chloe’s smile a sense of pride. I bet she thinks she won her little game, and I want her to. Each day we spend like this, my desire for more only grows stronger. Normally, I forgot about her when I walked into work. It sounds awful to say, but there was this out-of-sight-out-of-mind type thing. Work devoured my heart, soul, and attention. Now that I couldn’t forget her or lose myself in the work, something felt different.

“When was the last time you left this place?” Molly laughed.

“I…I don’t know.” Having a conversation while staying in Chloe’s world was an element of multitasking I had yet to perfect. I sought to be alone as much as possible instead. I could turn the microphone off, and she couldn’t hear me, but I didn’t want to miss anything she said. Robot Julian wouldn’t catch it for me.  

“Remember that time we─” Chloe was saying something, but Molly’s irritating voice interrupted.

“I’m glad to see you finally showing proper dedication.” Molly slapped my back hard. I must have winced, which meant Robot Julian did. The timing wasn’t appropriate for a wince, and Chloe looked confused. I apologized and claimed it to be a random chest pain that passed.

“I love you.” I smiled and luckily, she moved on.

I wished I paid more attention to the warning that moment turned out to be. Keeping up something of this level with a product I hadn’t fully finalized, wasn’t a good idea. A mistake was bound to emerge, and I didn’t think through the consequences of this one. I couldn’t think at all. In fact, my fatigue grew so strong I saw shadowy things in the corners of my eyes almost everywhere I went.

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Julian suggested a picnic by a photogenic waterfall, and I felt like I stepped into a fairytale. When I asked for more time together, I didn’t predict such a strong impact. We finally found balance. I never stopped loving him, but for a while anxiety covered my love in a turbulent storm. These past few weeks together allowed that storm to clear. People commented on the way my face glowed with dazed admiration. A co-worker even asked if I began an affair. Julian and I had been together for years. The urgency and longing had given way to the content, comfortable warmth of knowing someone so thoroughly. Lately, his romantic gestures created a swell of desire in my heart reminiscent of love’s beginning. I reverted to the early stages of daydreaming and craving him and remembered how addicting that rush of infatuation can be. Somewhere along the line we disconnected, but now we surged together again. I felt like top priority.

“Hey, I was thinking…” I looked to make sure he was listening.

He turned and locked eyes with mine. Then said, “You know how much money we could make if we leaked this technology? Shit! Molly, where’d you come from? I mean people would buy this right up. People could be in two places at once. Use it to cheat, accept multiple invites. I got to shut this off. Why isn’t it working? Why the hell isn’t it working? People could make a replica of when they’re younger and never publicly age. Molly shut up! Please, stop talking. I need to…oh c’mon. Think of all the possibilities.”

“What is happening?” I pushed away from him as he fought with himself and threw his arms up in frustrated gestures. He clawed frantically at the air. His eyes locked with mine again and mini lightning bolts of electricity flashed across them. Then they went blank and his body slouched. “Julian? Julian? What happened?”

My mouth dropped open. I grabbed his arm to shake him and his whole body seemed lifeless. He looked dead. I gasped. My mind swirled as fast as a tornado.

Then his body shot up. “Chloe, I…I can explain.”

“How? What on earth did I just see?”

“Please, come to my office. I’ll show you. I’m sorry. I love you.”

Tears soaked my cheeks. “What is this?”

“Please, baby, let me explain.”

Anger burned through my veins as I marched to the car. He didn’t follow me. He told me to leave him. I slammed the door and raced to his office. Without him, they wouldn’t let me in. Why did he want me to leave him? Was that even him? Was he human? Was he an alien? Who did I marry?

When I walked in the building, I saw a crowd of faces I didn’t recognize. Then I saw her face. Molly came over to wave me through security with that smug look in her smirk. There’s something about her. She led me to Julian. He stood in his lab coat and glasses. He looked exhausted and rundown. He looked much different than he did an hour ago. How did he get here?

He hugged me tightly, but I didn’t hug back. He apologized profusely and swore he loved me more than anything. While I sat quietly in his office chair, he went over Robot Julian and why he invented him. Placing the headset on my head, he showed me how he was there the whole time and assured me everything had been real. Well, real-ish. The words filtered into my mind, and even a little understanding broke through. The understanding carried disgust, fear, and anger with it. All those things I had done with someone who wasn’t even real, and I didn’t even know. I squeezed my eyes tight hoping I’d wake up and all of this would be a dream or a joke or anything but reality. 

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“I don’t know what’s real.” Her voice sounded mousy and muffled from sobbing and sniffling. She paced back and forth. “Do you care at all?”

“How come we aren’t seeing this the same way? I did this because of how much I love you. I’m desperate to make this work. Can’t you see that?” 

Her eyes fell to the gray linoleum, then her body slowly slumped down and followed them. It looked as if I had flipped her inner power switch off.

Something deep inside of me cracked. At first, the pain was that of a small incision, but it spread. Soon my body ached in ways I never knew imaginable, and moisture collected in my tear ducts until there was enough liquid to overwhelm them and flood over, distorting my vision. An impulse to throw, break, or smash things flickered through my body, but a heavy exhaustion contained the feeling from bursting into action. I moved closer, bent down, and wrapped her in my arms. If I could absorb her pain into myself and radiate only warmth and hope into her, I would. I tried to.

She didn’t embrace my comfort or resist it. Instead, she rested limply in my arms. A strange feeling overtook me. Even though we were almost as physically close as two people could be, I felt a force tugging her away from me like a strong river current pulling her downstream. I held her closer and wished the feeling would stop, but the gap expanded. I felt her slipping away and panic seized my pounding heart. 

“I think I understand now,” I whispered softly into her ear.