This Time

“They say that your first love will always be your last. They say that even though you may spend years apart, see other people, fall in love over and over, that first love will still be the one you think about when you look back on your life, searching for where it all went wrong.” 

Alice sighed, shut her notebook with an exasperated snap, and stuck her pen between her teeth. What a load of baloney. Where was she even going with it? Being given two words to write an article on was never going to help the juices flow. ‘Second chances’? What did that even mean? She had never been one for second chances. In her experience people seldom deserved them. Here she was, her career on the line, and all she had was some old idiom she may or may not have misheard from her batty old grandma when she was a tiny tot. There had to be more to write about under the headline ‘second chances’. 

Alice sat back against the glass of the subway and ran her hand over her face in agitation. Looking around her at all the happy couples making their way home for much anticipated Valentine's day preparations, Alice couldn’t help but feel frustrated. Here she was, a young kid from Nevada who grew up in Colorado, now living the high life in New York City, and she was unhappy. How did that even work? Alice adjusted her coat and folded her arms, her notebook still clutched in her gloved hand. All New York City had brought her was homesickness for a place that wasn’t even home anymore, mountains of debt, and endlessly frozen toes. Sex and the City had lied from the first word. Sure, she had a career writing for a prestigious magazine, not bad for a kid from the back of beyond, but that had never been her plan, and if she kept up this lack of inspiration for her article she wouldn’t even have that. 

Alice shut her eyes and tried to think about her own words. She wasn’t dying, not that she knew of, but somewhere down the line, she should be able to pinpoint where it all went wrong. She hadn’t been back to Hamilton in seven years but in her mind, she could walk every inch of those corridors, see all the corners of the rooms where she had spent her time laughing and singing with those she had once loved. She had been eighteen the last time she had seen those halls and still here they were, as vivid in her mind as her own tiny New York apartment. 

She had never been a popular kid, not by a long shot, but she had been secure in her friendships and had quite a few of them. From the second she walked the halls of Hamilton she had been singled out as one of the ‘weird ones’. She dressed brightly, spoke funny with her Nevada accent, and didn’t understand how the hierarchy worked. Alice smiled to herself on the subway as she remembered. Despite not having touched her bright dresses in years Alice could still remember how they had felt, how they had made her feel. She had walked with a confidence that she did not own and that was perhaps how she had attracted the people she had. 

Dan had been the first. They had been transfers at the same time, both new tiny fish in this sea of Varsity jacket-clad sharks. They had clung to each other for the sheer fear of what everyone would think of them. His smile had been the thing that had sold him to Alice, the kindness behind his eyes as he grinned at her from down the hall. He had approached her without shame and shook her hand. 

“Hi, I’m Dan.” Three words that had started the whirlwind that would span the next three years. 

“Alice.” Alice had replied sheepishly, unsure as to whether he was just introducing himself a guise to bully her like all the rest. She didn’t think so. Those eyes glowed, warm, and inviting so that she felt secure. From that moment on they made sure to stick together, to navigate the treacherous waters together. At least for the first few weeks. He had been her first love, but that was it. Her other firsts were given elsewhere and much later.

The relationship hadn’t lasted long. He had got the taste of cheerleaders and had left Alice to pursue his dream of being cliche. Alice hadn’t minded. She had found solace in her own jock fantasy. 

Mark had been her first. He had been a jock, and not a nice one, the type where his reputation preceded him. Looking back on it Alice was sure she had agreed to everything with Mark because she was seeking her own social acceptance. High school does that to a person. She had regretted it. Especially when Mark turned out to be a tool, Alice had a very confusing fling with the handsome class gay who turned out to be bisexual just for her, then decided he was gay after all and left Alice in love with him and heartbroken. She had back-lashed by dating a cheerleader too, exploring who she thought she should be. It turned out at the end she was the furthest from who she had ever been. After all of it she still craved that first meeting with Dan, those kind eyes that saw into her soul and at the same time told her it was all going to be okay. Dan had tried to reconnect eventually after time and high school had moulded them, matured them, but by then it was too late. They were graduating and going their separate ways. Perhaps that had been for the best. Alice shouldn’t go through her whole life carrying the baggage of high school. 

So why did she suddenly miss him so much? It was Valentine's day, her most hated day, she hadn’t spoken to him in seven years, and yet she suddenly craved his presence. Sitting on the subway huddled in her coat she couldn’t help but miss the stupid way he used to do impressions, the fact he always burnt everything he cooked, the sound of him singing in the shower of the locker-room. The love she had held for Dan was far more than teenage lust. In truth, they had never even reached that stage. The love she craved was the pure love he had given her, the acceptance of the way she was, and the reluctance to try to change her. Was it simply a fantasy that she would be ill to indulge? 

The subway pulled up at her stop and Alice made up her mind. Stepping off the carriage and making her way up to her street with a determination she hadn’t felt in a really long time, she used her cell to track down Dan on social media. The joys of modern living. As soon as she found the right profile she felt her heart leap and she stopped dead at the top of the steps. There he was, still as handsome as ever, and single. Her heart flipped as she scanned his page. 

He lived in New York. 

And, judging from the photos on his stream… three blocks from her. 

She did a double-take as she was jostled by commuters. 

Was this fate? Was this the Valentines' Gods playing a cruel trick? Or was this exactly what she had been looking for… a second chance. 

Alice’s feet carried her before she could stop them, her leisurely pace breaking into a hurried walk as she drew closer and picked up the pace. Would he even want to see her? 

Her heart sank as she turned onto the block. It was enormous, stretching on for miles. She would be here all night if she tried every house. Her fantasy seemed to be simply that, a side-effect of too many movies. 

Alice sighed as she sat on the nearest bench, her head in her hands and reality crashing around her like a wave. What had she been thinking? Was this how desperate she had become? She needed to push him from her mind, ignore that she had even entertained the notion. A fantasy was all it was. 

As she sat on the bench, the cold New York February chill beginning to blow around her ankles, she found herself remembering their first date. It had been just a simple walk in the park but they had accidentally timed it so that the renaissance fayre was in town. It didn’t seem to matter to Dan, he had thrown himself in with full force and Alice had found herself thrown in with him. It had been a lot of fun, but perhaps it had been unnecessary foreshadowing that Alice was only now realising. They had been dived right in at the deep-end in this land of chivalrous knights and feisty princesses. Had their whole relationship simply been a fantasy? She remembered the last day she had seen him. His light hair had grown past those eyes and their last words had been short and to the point, no indication of the love they had shared or the fun they had had since that first meeting in the hallway, two transferred kids looking for their place in the world. All that remained in that last look was all the battles they had fought and lost, all the goodbyes, all the heartbreak that had permeated their relationship. All the times they had tried to make each other jealous, all the people they had hurt along the way. Perhaps it was for the best that Alice hadn’t found him. Perhaps it was the closure she needed. So what if she had been living a fantasy, so what if she would never see that smile again, never hear those impressions, never hear his voice again saying her name...

“Alice?” 

It took Alice a moment to realise the voice saying her name wasn’t in her memory. She looked up from where she sat on the bench and her heart stopped as her eyes fell on Dan’s face. He was seven years older, dressed a lot more sophisticated, and sporting a bag of groceries. 

“Dan?” She said in disbelief, slowly getting to her feet as though moving too fast would break the illusion. 

His face broke into that warm smile she had fallen in love with and he dropped his groceries in the snow to throw his arms around her and hug her tightly. For the first time in a long time, Alice felt secure in his arms as she embraced him back. 

“I can't believe you’re here.” Dan breathed in her ear. “I’ve been thinking about you for the last hour, I saw your name in this magazine at work and I figured you’d live around here. I never for one second thought you’d be here in front of me.” 

Alice smiled up at him, still with his arms around her, and without even second-guessing herself she kissed him with all the enthusiasm of those old movies, the ones where nobody ever worried about repercussions or what had come before. To her delight, he kissed her back right there in the snow. It felt good. It felt right. 

All the memories of high school came flashing back as they embraced. All the heartbreaks, the valentines, the friends they had long since forgotten. Everything they had ever been, everything they had loved, all the growth they had undergone. None of it mattered now. After so long apart they were together again, just like the movies, and it felt like the first right decision Alice had ever made. No more goodbyes, no more starting over, all those they had loved in the time between them didn’t matter. Alice had never believed in second chances, but perhaps the universe felt they needed one anyway. 

“They say that your first love will always be your last. They say that even though you may spend years apart, see other people, fall in love over and over, that first love will still be the one you think about when you look back on your life, searching for where it all went wrong. And, maybe, just maybe, once in a while that first love will be your last because they were your only, and the universe may just show you that saying goodbye to them was the worst decision of your life, that this time you will not make the same mistake twice. Maybe the universe will tell you to believe in second chances and this time you should listen.”