Love Stuck

I had packed everything into a garbage bag. I had spent the night sifting through memories. 

Our memories.

But now it is over. We are over.

He would be here soon. He would stand there in the doorway. Handsome as ever. But now he would not embrace me. He would not kiss me. He would not tell me how much he loves me. He would just grab his stuff and leave. 

I am having a hard time grasping that it is done. I still wanted him. I still needed him. But well, I guess it was not meant to be. 

I wasn’t finished yet. I still have things to say. When he gets here I am going to ask him about what I need him to know.

Knock! Knock! I looked over at the door. I lost all my confidence. I was shaking. How the hell did I ever think that I could face him?!

I opened the door with a quivering hand. He looked over at me. He held a black garbage bag. My stuff. 

He looked tired. A little disheveled too. That’s when I knew I wasn’t the only one struggling. 

We lingered in each other's eyes. He looked at me like he used to. No. Not like he used to. Before he knew I was his, I knew I was his. But now I am no one’s. 

He looked away and handed me my stuff. Pictures. Clothes. You know, that stuff. I take it from him and place it behind my door frame. I hand him his bag with my head held down. 

Then I remembered! He started walking toward the elevator. I called out (maybe a little too loud).

“Wait! Let me walk you to your car!”

“Ok,” he half grinned. Adorable, I thought.

I had to ask him. I just needed a little more time to work up the courage. So we got in this janky elevator. I lived on the 14th floor. Well really it’s the 13th floor but you know…

We got in the elevator and the usual smell of cigarettes and urine was replaced with the smell of him. The smell was usually comforting but now it made me nostalgic, bringing back memories, some happy, others sad. Damn, nostalgia. I didn’t like that.

He awkwardly reached across me and I thought for a fleeting second that he was going to take my hand, but instead, he stretched out a delicate finger, piano fingers, I remember joking about it once, and pressed the button for the parking garage. The little dings vibrated in the dead silent space. He looked away from me, into the mirrors that lined the elevator and met my eyes in them. I involentarly blushed and he cleared his throat. As we waited, the elevator whirled and squawked. And then it screeches. Luka and I looked at each other. Then it started shaking. In all of the weird things that I expected this elevator to do, violently shaking was not one of them.

I tripped over my feet. As I was falling Luka reached over and caught me, his motions fluid and confident, but his hands shaking. We crouched in a small ball together on the floor. He guarded my head with his head and hands. The elevator suddenly stopped and our bodies relaxed, almost melting into the ground. Just as that was happening the light at the top of the elevator flickered until it went out. 

We stayed in that position for a few seconds until we were sure we stopped shaking. We suddenly realized what we were doing. We both pushed away and stood up. I straightened my winter jacket and composed myself.

We looked at each other. We both were thinking about the same thing. 

“So, the electricity went out. Right?” I said in a shuddering voice.

“Yeah… I think so.” Luka replied.

We stood in silence trying to comprehend what had just occurred. Also trying to think of something to do next. Both us grabbed our phones. I turned my flashlight to look at the buttons. I could not remember if we had an emergency button or not.

We did not. Go figure. That’s the price of staying in a dirt cheap apartment in the worst neighborhood in Boston. 

“We’re screwed.” I said.

“Yeah.” Luka sighed.

I slumped on the corner of the elevator. My coat sliding against the wall. I let out a huge sigh and groaned.

“I guess we should make a plan now.” 

“Probably, as far as I am guessing the building is out of power. It’s winter. And there is no emergency button.” Luka stated.

“Did you check if your phone works?” I said.

“Yeah, no bars.”

I looked over at my phone. Same.

“Well none of our phones has service. Should we just wait?”

“That could be hours, days even. We should scream for help first.” He said.

So after 25 minutes of nonstop screaming, our voices went out and we came to the conclusion that either no one heard us or no one cared. The problem was it started getting colder but not that bad, yet. However, Luka always had a knack for becoming super cold.

“Take my jacket.”

“No.”

“Take it.”

“No.”

I threw it at him. He then continued to reluctantly put it on, his arms sticking out of the too small sleeves awkwardly.

We sat in silence for what seemed like hours. I then remembered that I had to ask him something. And now was my opportunity. I did not know how long we would be in here for. So I had to say it now. 

“Why? Why did you do it to me?” I said in a shuddering voice.

“What do you mean?” 

I looked at him dead in the eyes. His image blurred as I looked at him.

“Why did you cheat on me? Was I not enough for you?” I whispered. 

He put his face in his hands. I could feel from across the elevator that he was guilt ridden. I know what he did was wrong. I’ve already accepted what he did. I just want to know why. Why did he do that to me? No answer can make up for what he did but I needed closure.

His breath trembled as it passed his lips. I could hear him choking back a tear.

“Before you left for that trip I knew you were slipping back into a depressive state. You have done it before but not like this. I didn’t know how to help you. I felt like I couldn’t be enough for you. So, I wanted to be enough for someone. I don’t want to say there were no feelings involved. That's too cliché. But I loved you. I love you more than I could ever love anyone else.”

I sat there. Taking in his words. I really didn’t know how to feel. I had not meant to make him feel that way. But he didn’t have to cheat. At least I understood now. I had closure at least.

“I love you too. More than you could ever know.”

Just then the elevator beeped and the lights turned on. The elevator started to move downwards. We looked at each other with pure bliss. Ignoring everything that had just happened. 

We stood up. Grabbing our stuff and getting ready to leave. 

I thought about our relationship. It was clear. 

He leaned in. 

We-

The door opened.

Are-

I got closer.

Better-