To Anne, From Joans

Every time my eyes are closed I imagine myself floating away into the clouds. My skin would flow through the billowing feather-like structures. My body would be one with the atmosphere, with nature. I could finally be one with my mind and body. I could never feel more peaceful than in that exact moment. My spirit is finally ready to ascend-when I start falling. 

There’s fear and confusion in the moment before my eyes open.  Because when my eyes open, I want to crawl out of my own skin like a thousand little maggots. I’m fidgety and anxious because of the constant insecurity that flows through my veins. I have constant reminders of the dismay I have for my life. Mostly overlooked by those around me, my nervous ticks are intense. Often I find myself glossing over the frayed tassels of your bracelet. The bracelet never leaves my wrist. When my anxiety gets the best of me and I need home, I find you. I suppose you are still my only real friend. 

I think of my childhood as quite desolate. There’s no means as to why I am the way I am; my parents did little wrong. I’ve always been the way I am, even since my elementary years. Although, I’m strung from a different string than that of the rest of my family. They are ever so traditional, and me not so much. I enjoy the flowers in a world where everyone admires the bouquet. There’s always more to the picture than just the framework.

My whole upbringing was fairly typical. It was too normal for anyone to notice that it wasn’t. I went to the park and played with other kids; and I enjoyed arts and crafts. And eventually it was my senior year of high school. High School was utterly bland but it too, flew by. I can't imagine that you would have hated it as much as I do though. Frankly I'm not even sure that I would have still hated it had you been there to experience it with me. I believe you would have fit right in with all the crowds. I know you would have excelled in all of your classes. I, however, did very mediocre. None of my teachers ever noticed me for anything particular and I had no memorable friends. However, somehow, I managed to be the best liar that no one ever knew. I don’t know when it started, but I guess it started with…

You, Anne: my happy go lucky, larger than life cousin. You were my only friend. Some kids make friends when they can, but I had you. I was so fortunate to have a friend that was already always there. You were only a few months younger than me. We had endless adventures and never ending conversations. We grew up together. There wasn’t a single thing I did without you, then you passed away. It was so sudden that I didn’t have time to process it. People don’t just get sick (especially not suddenly). Apparently they do, because it happened to you. I still don't understand why. The thing about death and grief is just that it's so damn confusing. It felt like I fought the universe when it happened. I was fourteen years old trying to understand why. My family was so caught up in their own grief, they never thought about mine, so I was left alone. I had to finish growing up without my best friend. That’s when I started hiding. 

You were like me, we enjoyed the flowers. I felt like I could tell you anything. That’s why you were the first person I told about my sexuality. My truth is that I’m gay. It feels so strange saying that aloud but I’ve known my whole life, and I don’t let it define me. No one should have to walk on eggshells around me. I just want to be treated like everyone else so maybe that's part of why I kept it a secret for so long. People often make it out to be a bigger deal than it actually is; you didn't though. It’s honestly nothing to write about (or maybe it is). 

As I sat in all my classes my mind often wondered. I didn’t quite pay much attention to anything, I tried not to stand out. I was so average. In fact, I hadn’t even decided what I wanted to do with my life yet. There I was, in my senior year, undecided. People talked about how amazing it will be when they get their dream job and move to Beverly Hills or something. Of course for most of them, I know that means staying here and working at the local furniture store. I’ve seen it happen twice before in both of my brothers' generations. All of their friends amounted to little. But my parents made sure to push us so hard that amounting to little wasn’t an option. Christian was studying in medical school and Remmy was on track in grad-school. I really got to know neither of them very well. As you know, Christian is ten years older than me and Remmy is six years older. As a child I tried diligently for their attention and approval, even so with my parents. They see the world in black and white, where I see it in color. My parents expected big things from their third son, and I didn’t know if I could prosper. I didn’t know what they expected of me or even what I expected of myself.

My friend group consisted of a motley group of individuals. I knew that I didn't really fit in with them but they helped me have something of a normal highschool experience. They were overall average, like me , but nice. It isn’t even worth mentioning their names. Sometimes it felt relieving to listen to some average people's problems, that’s why I hung out with them. 

The only class I felt tolerable was my psychology class.I liked my psychology class because it’s the only thing that could pique my interest. I’ve always been fascinated with the human mind. There’s something so beguiling about how every human processes things uniquely from one another. At the same time, we all have a predictable rhyme and rhythm. It’s confusing in the best way possible. There was good confusion and bad confusion. The brain to me served as a fantastical sort of confusion whereas grief was an angry confusion.

Maybe I could be a psychologist. Hell, I didn’t know. It reminded me of when you would tell me about all your problems. I liked to console you. You were the type of person I could listen to for hours. Even if you were talking about the most depressing subject, I could listen to you. Don’t get it mixed up though, You were not depressing in the slightest. You were an ever burning ray of sunshine. Though I wasn't so sure if I was willing to help everyone. Do I actually like helping people or do I just like helping people who can give me that reassurance in return? 

Most school days went by fast. I often had my friends offer for me to go on double dates with them.I always appreciated the hospitality but some people just don’t date. Everyone back then was always trying to fix me up with someone (always a girl). It had nothing to do with my sexuality anyway and everything to do with the fact that I had no intentions for it. Sometimes I did say yes simply because my alternative was staying home, and who wants to do that. It may seem like a cruel concept now that I’m looking back on it. However, you can just be so boring that no one could possibly have any interest in you. I found out that it worked quite well.  

I never actually wanted to stay at my house, it just was never an option. My relationship with my parents at the time was merely normal. To be honest, my dad was absent. He left me and my brothers a few years prior to my senior year. It was probably around the same time you died. I guess he didn’t really leave Christian and Remmy, just me. He got to raise them but I wasn’t good enough for him to stay and raise me too. He wouldn’t consider himself absent since he does see me once or twice a year. He just left me with my mom. My mom was my biggest competitor. You knew that all too well, you saw it same as I did. She was (and still is, last I heard) the strict religious type. She’s not so strict to push her religion on other people; she’s just the type to judge you. She doesn’t exactly support my choice of lifestyle, which I’ve always known. Yet she knew so little about me that she had no idea. 

So there you go. Nearly my whole life has been a lie. After fronting for so long you lose yourself, your true self. I didn’t even know myself. I was lying to people. I guess you could say that around this time (highschool) I had some kind of realization. 

The only person I could never lie to was you: Anne. I looked up to you. You always showed your true colors, no matter how blue or yellow. I admired you for that because it was something that I could never do. If I couldn’t be honest for myself, then I was going to do it for you. I was no longer going to put on a mask, is what I told myself. So I took it off. 

I could tell you about how I came out to my mom, all the things she said in a blind rage while disowning me.  I could tell you about how I never told my dad. I never even talked to him again because I held no obligations to him. He went on to raise his new step kids because I was never enough for him anyway. He was distant and absent so he never earned the right to know. My brothers reached out, slowly coming into my life as I grew older. I watched the people I graduated high school with stay in that little town. Now I have few regrets. One I suppose, would be that I never really got to know my dad. When he passed away, the opportunity did as well. From what Christian told me, he was a great guy before life caught up to him. I don’t blame him. I understand every choice he made, while still acknowledging my own feelings. I don't consider this a complete loss though; I will live through the memories my brothers have of my father. 

When I came out and put the pieces of my life together it changed me. I finally figured myself out after years of searching and I went on to do wonderful things. But I didn’t write this to tell the story of a lonely closeted boy. I wrote this all for you. It was because of you, Anne, that I had my story. I needed to tell you how I came so far, so far from that sheltered fourteen year old boy that you last saw. I don't know if I will publish this, it seems far too personal; I may just leave this letter right here at your grave and let it drift into the wind. Maybe the wind will take it so far it flies up into the clouds. My confession will be at one with my soul, flowing through the clouds. Then I can finally be at peace with my own feelings, at peace with you.