Just Say It

Nothing would haunt you more than the unsaid words. While he lay in the intensive care unit on life support system probably breathing his last few breaths, you looked hopelessly, perhaps trying to say you wished you could have one final conversation with him. JUST SAY IT !! This time would never come back. Maybe he can hear you.

Was this the right time and place to express your feelings? You had to be alone to talk to him. There was so much left unsaid. The trauma and shock of seeing him in this condition was bad enough, surely you wouldn’t be able to register whether to just hold his hand and pray for his well-being or pour your heart out to him and tell him how much you always loved him. Could you just say it all amidst the crowd of doctors in blue coats and masked faces, with nurses fleeting around in all whites moving hurriedly from one bed to another? Maybe you should’ve JUST SAID IT over a cup of coffee on a lazy Sunday afternoon sitting in your backyard. But those Sunday afternoons were more for the kids than just the two of you.

Living with each other in a beautiful relationship, for the past 22 years, life had given much happiness, in terms of success and finances, but little time to whisper those sweet nothings. Was this what happiness was all about? You both were so busy making careers, meeting targets, nurturing children that a lot of beautiful feelings seemed to remain unsaid. Well! You both thought there was a lifetime ahead. He always said he would earn enough as the CEO of a leading company and take an early retirement at 50 and travel the world with you. He dreamt of holidaying in a cruise and going trekking on the mountains, while the boys went to the university. Maybe, someday you could’ve tried scuba diving too. 

Destiny had its own plans. He was speeding his way back home alone after a hard day's work and back to back meetings at office. He knew he had to be back home before the clock struck twelve. Despite his busy lifestyle, there was nothing under the sun that would make him miss being the first to wish you on your birthday. He had been the first always for the past 25 years. That was since you first met at a job interview, competing for the same vacancy in one of the best audit companies. He had taken a sneak peak at your resume and saw that your birthday was just a fortnight away. In conversation, the numbers you both exchanged were the turning point. On 09th of October 1995, as the clock struck twelve, amidst all the music and partying you didn’t miss your phone ringing. Voila! What a surprise!! You surely missed a few beats hearing the deep unmistakeable voice. He JUST HAD TO SAY IT and he did. There was nothing rosier than the next three years of dating, wedding planning and job hopping.

Driving into the dark stretch of the highway, his mind was perhaps busy chalking out the following day's plans of making your day very special, or maybe he was also reminiscing those three beautiful years. Suddenly all he heard was a loud bang.It was a truck coming from the right side that crashed into his car and his car went toppling over.

As the clock struck twelve the phone rang, your excitement knew no bounds. You rolled over in your cosy bed and smiled to answer it. Switching on the bedside lamp you picked up the phone to answer, you were sure this was another prank and he’d be calling from the driveway to say “sorry honey I may be late”. The voice on the other side was not the same deep, husky and endearing tone. Rather, it was a panicky flat voice calling from his phone. Alas! It was the hospital informing you of the fatal accident. 

Sitting by his bedside, waiting for him to once look at you, you regretted not having told him of the dark phase of your life. It was now passe. A mistake anyone would make in your prime years. But now that you were truly so much in love with him, you had planned to confess all on a peaceful holiday, when he would be more receptive and forgiving. You were so sure he would be in acceptance, because, he was always more mature and more caring but probably his career at that point in time entailed too much travelling and your not getting the attention you so deserved put together with kids schooling, homework etc. drove you to the point of looking for release in what may otherwise be thought of as unethical. But that was twelve years ago. Did it really matter now? Maybe, Yes. If not to him so much, to yourself it would be disturbing and nagging deep inside. You’d always feel you betrayed his trust until you JUST SAID IT all to him.

Lying on the hospital bed behind the clear glass partition, even with all the paraphernalia attached to his chiselled face and strong physique, he looked so calm. He was so easy going and comfortable to talk to, then why didn't you JUST SAY IT all these years? 

At this point what was most important was just letting him know so that the guilt wouldn’t haunt you forever. You JUST HAD TO SAY IT. You had to tell him how much you loved him and how you wouldn’t be able to live life without him. You just had to say you didn’t ever cheat on him and only that one smile and a nod from him would satisfy you. But ! Was it too late? Was he even listening? Why didn’t you just say it when the time was right. Is any time ever the right time? Does life wait for anyone ? 

When said at the right time, life has a meaning. If you had JUST SAID IT at the right time things would’ve fallen in place.