My First Christmas Without Father

18 November

Father hasn’t stopped pestering me, shouting for me to dust my mother’s urn, screaming demands of visiting the market to pick up apples now that they’re in season. It’s almost December; they aren’t. We don’t even eat them, not since Father claimed his rash came from an allergy to Miss Franny Gold’s tarts. Apple and cinnamon… “A true classic,” Ma would have said, if her ashes weren’t piled into an heirloom vase. I miss her sometimes. Father never had breakouts from her baking. 

23 November

I visited Miss Franny Gold today. With winter coming, two of her bakers have fallen ill. She invited me to learn some recipes, just in case I wanted to help her out. She wouldn’t pay me, but I’d be allowed to bring back some pastries and a loaf of bread. It would also keep me out of Father’s business. It was better than being at home. He still asked where I’d been all day, but didn’t seem to mind when she informed him I’d been working. 

26 November

I’ve spent the last few days in Miss Franny Gold’s kitchen. She talks about her husband a lot. His name is Duncan. I haven’t met him, yet, but he seems to be a nice man. He loves her tarts, the ones Father refuses to look at. His favorite part is the almond star in the center of each one. She told me he always eats the decoration off first, before diving into the rest of the dessert. Maybe Father would be nicer if Ma was still around to bake for him like Miss Franny does for Duncan. 

28 November

It’s starting to get colder out, which means Father has begun drinking more. He likes the tepid burn in contrast with the bitter breeze outside. I don’t like it when he drinks, but Miss Franny tells me it’s normal for adults to do so, especially people like my father and Duncan. I’m still not sure what that means. She said I would understand when I was older. Ma used to tell me that a lot. 

29 November

Miss Franny showed me how to make the crusts for the apple tarts today. It took me a while to roll out the dough, but I was able to make twelve shells with just one batch. Miss Franny told me her son could only make eight the first time she showed him. She seemed sad when she talked about him, though. I think he’s gone like Ma is. 

1 December

Miss Franny told me today that we should appreciate what we can, and that the first of the month was something to celebrate. Ma would have liked that. She showed me how to toast the almond slivers and make the little star that Duncan loves. We made a lot of stars today, enough to decorate at least a few dozen tarts. 

3 December

Father wouldn’t let me go out today. He thinks Miss Franny is a bad influence, but he won’t tell me why. I wish he would trust me like Ma did. She would have understood. I asked him about Duncan, and he doesn’t like him, either. He didn’t want to talk about him. I tried to bring Ma up, but he just ignored me to drink. 

5 December

Miss Franny came over today while Father was out working. I told her I had been sick. She checked my forehead and didn’t realize I was lying. Ma would have known. She asked me how Father had been, but I didn’t really want to talk about him. She invited me back to the bakery and I promised I would do my best to go back.

6 December

I have a cut on my cheek from last night. Father didn’t like knowing that Miss Franny was in our house. He said he and Ma didn’t raise me to invite strangers inside. I told him she wasn’t a stranger, but he insisted that I didn’t know her as well as I thought I did, that there are things about her I wouldn’t understand. 

7 December

I asked Miss Franny what Father meant the other day, about not knowing things about her that other people do. She admitted that I was right about her son. He passed away shortly after she taught him how to work in the kitchen. She likes having me over because it reminds her of being with him. She wouldn’t tell me how he died, just that it was really hard on her. She didn’t mention Duncan. I refused to ask.

8 December

I finally got to finish baking an apple tart today. Miss Franny said that Ma would be proud of me, and so would her son. I asked her if we should bring some to Duncan, but she didn’t think that would be a good idea. He doesn’t live with her, anymore. I told her that was sad. Even with Ma gone and Father changing, I know that he still loves her. I can’t imagine someone’s heart no longer having feelings. I wanted to ask Father about it, but he was already out when I came home.

10 December

Father hit me again. He said I disobeyed him by visiting Miss Franny without permission. She told me it was probably best I stay away until Father stopped drinking. 

13 December

I read a newspaper today. Miss Franny’s husband didn’t move out because he fell out of love with her. Duncan Gold died a few years ago, shortly after their son. That’s why we couldn’t bring him any tarts last week. Father already knew.

15 December

I told Miss Franny that I found out about her husband from an old newspaper. She apologized for letting me think he was still alive. I told her it was okay; I let people think Ma is still alive sometimes. She said it was different with Duncan. She tried to keep his memory alive because he was better before he died, happier. After their son was born, he became a different man. She didn’t go into too many details, but I think he used to hurt her. I told her Father gets mad like that, too. She promised it would be a secret between the two of us.

16 December

Father got really mad tonight, like when I broke Ma’s favorite teacup. I tried to hide, but he wouldn’t stop screaming. He said it was my fault she was gone. He’s told me that before, but this time he really meant it. 

17 December

Miss Franny told me that she recognized the bruises on my arm. She used to get them, and at one point, so did her son. She didn’t specify, but I knew she meant from Duncan. I shouldn’t have, but I continued to ask questions. About Duncan, about their son, about her marriage… She told me his death was luck.

19 December

It wasn’t luck that he had passed away, but luck that he had loved her apple tarts so much. I told her I wished I could be so lucky, then maybe I wouldn’t have to deal with Father, anymore. She said she had a plan. 

23 December

I brought dessert home, but Father was already past incompetence. Miss Franny and I baked it together, just as she had baked for Duncan. She said if Father liked it as much as her husband had, he wouldn’t be a problem for me after tonight. It smelled delicious, but she made me promise I wouldn’t take a bite, no matter how tempting it was. She said she’d make me something special for the holiday.

24 December

I’m feeling sleepier than usual, but I’m hoping it’s just from the cold. Miss Franny’s bakery was closed today, so I haven’t left my bed.

25 December

Today was my first Christmas spent without Father, and my first Christmas spent with Ma since she left. I still don’t know why Father doesn’t like Miss Franny’s baking. The tart we made was delicious.