Just Like We Used To

I begin styling my hair, my hand so used to the motion I barely even think about it. Instead, my thoughts drift to the person I am about to see, that I haven't seen in so long ago.

Mike.

Even thinking about his name feels surreal.

We barely even saw each other the other night at the bar, I didn't even know he was back in town. It was like seeing a ghost. Mike apparently felt the same as I remember the way his eyes widened. 

What surprised me, though, was how instead of asking how I was or something that people usually say when they haven't seen each other for centuries, he suggested going sledding the next day. Like we used.

Just like we used to.

In the end, I was so stumped and, in all honestly slightly drunk, that I couldn't think of anything but agree.

I stare at the hair spray in my hand, feeling uncertainty starting to tug at my features.

Having almost read my mind my brother, Josh, strides in with the words:

"So you really gonna leave me hanging on all that stuff with Mike?"

I shrug, letting out a breath and going back to styling my curls.

"There's nothing much to tell, honestly. We are going sledding. That's about it."

"Right," he drawls and by the way he's raised his brow I can tell he doesn't believe me.

Josh moves to sit on the edge of the bathtub, putting an ankle over his knee and continues:

"You haven't seen each other for almost four years now and now he's suddenly back and you're going sledding together? It's all a bit weird is all I'm saying"

I frown, letting out a breath.

"Yeah, it's weird but what was I supposed to do? Refuse and walk away?"

"Hey, no, I didn't say that" Josh raises his arms at my defensive tone. "I'm just, you know, concerned. I know you were... friends or whatever that was but I bet it's a shock to see him now and... it's just weird."

"Thanks, I feel much better now," I mutter while trying to disentangle a few strands.

Josh chuckles, bending slightly forward.

"Yeah, I know, I'm great."

A quiet descends over the room, the sound of the spray being the only sound for a while.

"It's just..." I break the silence but the same uncertainty makes the words hitch in my throat.

"I'm not sure why Mike did this. I mean, like you said it's super weird and I should have probably asked for some kind of explanation before agreeing right away but..."

I pause, shifting on the spot and searching for the proper words.

"It's like I felt he needed me to agree. I know, it sounds weird but it's the only explanation I can give."

Josh just smiles.

"It's not weird at all, I think."

"No?"

"Think about it, Kira. You and Mike were best friends since we were seven years old, that's...'' Josh pauses to extend a hand forward, "a hella of a long time. My point is that there's obviously something he has to talk about with someone. And just the fact that he chose sledding, the thing you two did all the time during winter, it means he needs to talk to you. I mean, just the fact that you agreed on it without second-guessing him at all just proves my point."

I stare at my brother through the mirror, watching him dissect this situation with a weirdly focused frown.

"Is this the first of my many therapy sessions?" I quip.

Josh's lips quirk into a smile.

"You betcha. Why do you think I'm majoring in psychology?"

I smile back but actually think about what he said. It makes sense. 

Mike left so abruptly, without even saying goodbye. I was hurt for a long time but the feelings of... distance and estrangement are far too strong for me to feel anything else at the moment.

"Thanks, Josh," I say, turning to face him with a smile. "Really. It did help to put my mind at ease a little."

My brother returns the smile and stands from the bathtub.

"You are welcome, sister," he says, patting my arm. "I am nothing if not ready to discuss people."

I arch a brow.

"I still can't tell if that will make a good psychologist or just a good gossip."

He opens his mouth to respond when we both turn our heads at the sound of the doorbell.

Josh grins and says:

"I'm gonna get that and you better come down soon."

He's gone before I could respond and I take one last look at the mirror. I touch up a few strands of hair until I realize I’m just stalling because of being so nervous.

I take a steadying breath and head for the stairs.

"You didn't tell us you were coming back, though!"

I hear Josh's dramatic voice sound through the air followed by Mike's awkward chuckling.

"Yeah, sorry about that. It was really a spur of the moment."

"Oh, sure," Josh jabs. "Anyway, I'm glad you're back man."

The sound of my feet coming down the stairs stops their conversation and I try it to hurry up, feeling a weird tension starting to build up.

Mike is smiling from ear to ear, eyes gleaming under the lighting of the foyer. I smile back until my eyes land on his head.

"Oh my God," I gasp and barely containing my laughter. "What are you wearing?"

Mike chuckles, his eyes wrinkling at the corners as he does. He tugs the old red hat, it's something he used to wear every winter before he outgrew it completely in tenth grade. And now barely even covers his chestnut hair.

"I know right! I hadn't planned on it, mind you, but while I was searching for my sled today it just appeared out of nowhere and I couldn't think of a better occasion."

I shake my head but smile at the same time.

"Wow, you two are ridiculous," Josh says with a smirk. "But anyway! You better get going before Mom and Dad come home. They really want to see you. You will stay for dinner, won't you?"

“Well, now I feel like I can't exactly say no."

"You are correct."

"Well, let's go then," I interrupt before Josh goes on a tangent.

Mike and I turn to leave and he opens the door for me to pass through.

"Mike, it was nice to see you, man. Go get them!" Josh continues, leaning on the door handle.

"Go away, Josh!" I yell in response then clear my throat. "Sorry about all that. I think he got a little bit too excited about seeing you."

Mike chuckles, the sound whirling me back into nights like these we used to spend together.

"It's nice to see you and your brother still seem to get along."

I give a short laugh.

"Now more than ever, I think."

For a while, we are walking in the same direction without asking the other. Both of us know exactly where we're going. On the hill that is just behind the house next door. It was our favourite spot for sledding.

When we arrive Mike takes a deep breath, casting his eyes over the town below us.

"Ah, I've really missed this," he says then turns to look at me. "It's like I'm dreaming."

"You have no idea," I reply to which he tilts his head. “I haven’t really come here ever since you left.”

Mike stares down at the snow, obvious sadness dampening his previous smile.

“Well, at least, it’s as equally as exciting for both of us,” I add. 

Mike immediately brightens at my words and gives a nod.

“You always know what to say, Kira.”

“It’s more of… always feeling like I need to say something,” I return, keeping my tone light.

“Ready to start?”

I can clearly feel that something’s weighing Mike down. It’s made even more obvious by the way he sometimes stops to look distractedly in the distance. Ever since we were young, he’d always do that when something bothered him. 

I also know he’s not ready to talk about it yet. So I pretend I don’t notice his weird attitude, instead focusing on what he came for. 

Conversation is not lacking, at least, but it always seems to revolve around me. Mike doesn’t stop asking about what I’ve been doing, how everyone is at school, about my family. I try to answer as best as I can and he seems genuinely interested, but I can tell he’s asking only because he doesn’t want me to ask anything about him.

I frown at the sudden realization that Mike is not planning on talking about himself. 

“I have to say,” Mike huffs, distracting me from my thoughts. He’s gasping for air as we climb the hill for probably the dozenth time, “we may have been a bit ambitious thinking we could take on this hill after abandoning it for such a long time.”

I laugh although I am also struggling to breathe as well.

“You are definitely right.”

We finally reach the top and I put my hands on my thighs, fatigue suddenly washing over me.

“Want to take a break?” Mike asks. 

His chest is falling and rising rapidly but he doesn’t seem nearly as beat up as I feel. More refreshed, than anything else.

“Please, yes.”

He steadies the sled into the snow and I plop down on it with a huff.

Mike sits next to me and his eyes trail off in the distance.

“We may be out of practice, but you seem in a pretty good shape,” I say, trying to strike some kind of conversation. 

“Uh, yeah, I actually trained baseball for quite some time.”

My eyes widen.

“You did? Wow. Since when do you like sports?”

“I don’t,” he retorts and waves his hand. “But enough about me. Why don’t you tell me what you’re majoring in?”

I stare at him with an incredulous smile. 

Mike doesn’t seem to notice at first but when I don’t respond for a while he turns to face me. Confusion replaces the relaxed expression he’s been trying so hard to keep up.

“What?” Mike dares to ask.

“I should be the one asking you that,” I nearly raise my voice. 

Mike winces, clearly knowing what I’m talking about. Then he his shoulders slump, features are taut into a pained frown. 

He reaches for his head to tug the hat off and his head spills down at his side. Then hunches forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

I suddenly realize how different Mike actually looks. He’s definitely not a boy anymore, the prominent jaw making that clear but he also seems so… exhausted. That shine he used to have in his big eyes is completely dulled, making them look incredibly sad. 

“What’s wrong, Mike?” I ask finally.

“You’ve been wanting to ask that for a while, haven’t you?” he says with a bitter smile.

I don’t respond, instead looking at him, thinking that will be an answer enough.

“I just wanted…” Mike begins, but his words are barely a whisper. “Do you know why I left?”

He turns to me, face intense and eyes glistening.

“I am… not sure.”

“Because I thought I deserved more than what this “little town has to offer.” I thought I should be out there in the world, pursuing my dreams and becoming a successful painter. I thought…”A bitter laugh escapes him, “I thought this town dragged me down and prevented me from following my dreams.”

Mike stops, the words hitched in his throat by the tears he’s trying so hard to suppress.

“I thought you were dragging me down,” he croaks and shakes his head in disbelief. “I was… such a fool.”

“But, Mike,” I interrupt, trying to ignore the pain that tightens my chest,” this is not a bad thing. Following your dreams, all of us wanted that for you.”

“Some dreams they were...

For a while we are quiet. I am unsure of what to say as Mike stares up at the sky. 

The wind picks up, ruffling the locks of hair on his sides and they stick to the wet spots on his cheek.

“I felt like something was lacking in my life,” he continues with a sniffle. “So… I went to study under good teachers, in a famous university but I never ever felt happy. Not once. I thought maybe after I become better at painting I will feel the fulfilment I was desperately looking for.”

Mike shakes his head.

“I wanted to paint the sunsets we used to watch every summer, the snow that falls in the winter and the warm spring afternoons we spent by the lake during spring. I tried to imagine it, to picture all of that in my mind and pour it on the canvas but… whatever I imagined was never even close to what I’d felt in these moments. In the end, these memories help me realize where I belong.This is why I’m here.”

Mike looks at me, eyes pleading.

“I thought if I… if I come here with you, sledding again like we used to, I will finally feel like I did before. That I would be happy, motivated and full of passion to create but…” he throws me a pained smile. “After asking you so suddenly I knew you probably thought I was stupid and naive to think you’d agree. Besides… it’s not fair, I left you, almost without a word, and now I’m asking you to pretend like nothing happened. It’s… I’m so-”

“Mike,” I call, thinking it’s better to stop him before he brings himself down even more. “I understand.”

“You do?”

I nod.

“Of course, I do. You are my best friend and you always have been. Yes, I was hurt when you left but I knew why you did it. I really wished nothing more than to see you succeed.”

Mike is quiet for a while and so I am, thinking whether I should add anything further. 

I shake my head and stare at the snow at my feet. Whatever I had to say I said it, it’s no use filling the silence with platitudes.

A slight movement catches my eyes and my head swivels around. 

Mike’s shoulders are shaking and soon after I hear choked sobs escaping him.

“Mike…”

“I’m sorry,” he sniffles then reaches up to wipe vigorously at his face. “It’s just… you have no idea how much this means to me. I was completely sure you’d walk and rightfully so.”

I reach a hand to rest it on his shoulder. Mike turns around and he’s smiling, with tears spilling down his face, eyes glistening almost as much as the snow under the street lights. I can’t help but let the sadness that’s been tightening my chest spill over my face.

I shuffle closer and before Mike can even react, I hug him tightly. At first he tenses, clearly, surprised but his arms wrap around me and I feel… relief. I feel safe and happy like I never thought I would before.

Suddenly everything really is just like before.

When we finally pull away I can see Mike feels just as I do.

“I want to start over,” he says, determination lacing his words. “Remember how we talked about opening a studio together?”

I nod with a smile.

“Well, this is what I should have done in the first place. You are an even better painter than me so I’m sure we will be more than successful.”

I open my mouth to answer before Mike could say anything further that he will regret but I pause at the serious expression that suddenly grips his features.

“I want to be your friend again and... with time maybe even more,” he looks up to meet my eyes, his remaining just as serious and determined.

His words make my eyes widen and skin prickle with anticipation I didn’t know I would ever feel.

“Mike, I--” I stutter, unsure of how to say what I should have for a while now. 

My nails dig into my hands and I let out a shuddering breath.

“You don’t have to think about this now or even say anything at all,” he is quick to add. “I know it’s a lot to take in.”

I shake my head vigorously. 

I have to say it.

“Mike, I am,” I begin, avoiding his eyes. “I am going away after Christmas break is over. To continue studying in the city with my brother. We’ve been living there for two years now.”

I dare to look up at him. 

Mike stares at me, eyes and expression as if frozen in time as he processes my words. Then he hangs his head, a strange smile suddenly dancing on his lips.

“I’m sorry, I know I should have told you sooner. You probably thought I was studying in town, just like I’ve always wanted and I thought so as well it’s just… “I stop myself, realizing I’m starting to blabber.

“No, Kira, don’t apologize. I can’t expect to be back and have everything be the same as it was,” Mike says and even though I am avoiding his face again I can hear the smile behind his words. “Besides, the city is not that far. I can always visit and when you finally graduate and get your degree, which I know you will, I will be here waiting for you and ready with a job offer.”

I am stunned at the way he is so calm about it.

“Hey, come on. It’s fine, I’m fine. Kira?”

Mike’s tone and the way he lowers his head urge me to look up.

“I will wait,” he repeats when I meet his eyes. 

They are shining so brightly and reassuringly that I can’t help but believe him.