Investment Bankers Never Say Sorry

Look, in the Hong Kong trading jungle, the investment banks, the traders, the dealers, nobody ever fails—at least, not out loud. Not Banker Benny “Big Beef” Lee. Here, if you make a bad call, you'd better have a story ready. If you so much as mention the word “mistake,” you might as well turn in your market badge, your karaoke mic, and your hopes of ever eating dim sum with the high rollers again.

A baking-hot Friday in Central. Skyscrapers gleamed, tempers simmered, and Benny was about to make investment history—just not the good kind. Lions Bank’s trading floor buzzed with bravado, espresso, and a heavy helping of denial. When the coffee machine broke, panic set in—but what brewed was Benny’s bun-sized pitfall, hidden in a shiny stack of Beef Bun Futures contracts.

Shouts rang out. Plates flew. Croissants soared like market hopes (and crashed harder). Phones blared: “Heads up! Radish Ruckus—SELL the buns! NOW!”

Temperatures rose higher than last Friday’s brisket. Banker Benny, the self-made sultan of snacks, watched his secret recipe implode. He’d gone big—Beef Bun Futures, Ribeye Options, Ox-Tail Swaps, the whole deli. Only one name on the line: Benny “Big Beef” Lee. The swagger was gone, replaced by a cold sweat—you know, the kind you get when you realize your bad call just lost the bank millions.

Other banks circled: Cowplus Capital, Sirloin Solutions, even a tofu-fueled crew of hedgers. In Central, a real loss means losing everything—status, desk, bragging rights. As the Beef Basket Collateralized Cutlet Fund tanked, traders looked like they’d tasted spoiled wasabi. But nobody pointed at Benny yet—because in this game, it’s never YOUR fault, right?

Yet Benny’s inner voice was screaming: “Don’t admit it. Just don’t! Pivot, blame, distract—anything but fess up!”

Suddenly, disaster: red lights, screens jittering, the fund flamed out. The Clearinghouse crew and all the Commodity Futures VPs stared. Benny had talked them all into Beef Bun Futures, Ribeye Options, even the fabled Steak Split Special. Now, as chaos erupted, rivals piled on—but not one person uttered the word “mistake.” Instead, everyone spun tales: Billy “Bones” Chan from Clearinghouse: “Beef security? My uncle’s dried squid is safer!”

Jenny “The Bear” Ng from Cowplus: “Brisket Bonds, Benny? Did you even read the label, or just stamp a cow on it?”

But Benny squared up, wiped his brow, and grinned widely. “No losses here! Just a juicy new opportunity. Nobody loses if they never sell—Central rule number one!”

Just then, sirens: the Veggie Victory League stormed the room, waving tofu and chanting, “You’re grilling the Earth! Even cabbage is a better bet!”

Benny vaulted onto a chair. “Forget panic—time to pivot! Next up: Milk-Cow Hedge Funds! Or maybe Bone-In-Fat Swaps… Better yet—how about a Sausage-Linked Risk Basket, guaranteed juicy!” In Central? When the market turns sour, invent something crazier and blame the rest: “The weather was weird, the intern swapped the charts, the coffee was cold—what do you want from me?”

Sir Gavin “Big Chops” Wong, an owner of a global asset management fund and a trade-floor legend, hollered, “Try something folks can chew, Benny! Chicken Credits, Soup Securities—sell the dream, not the beef!”

TV screens flickered: HK News24’s mega panel appeared—market gurus who loved educating, and roasting, in equal measure. They were: Mary, “Money Maven” Chan, she blinged so bright it was distracting; Victor, “Kobe” Chau, he was on sunglasses for all moods; Jenny, “Bear Market” Ng, who was the queen of sniffing out Benny’s tall tales; Sally, “Sirloin” Deng, the Central’s green warrior; Rufus “Ramen” Yan for Soup Securities—he ate while you earned or you vomited then he cried; Daisy, “Dairy Queen” Lam, the woman who was all about butter; Steve “Spam King” To , a man so old-school flavor and nerve; Alan “Tofu Titan” Fong, the bean curd champion; King Crab Kwok the forever seafood cheerleader, and, Fiona “Fishball” Yip, who was bubble tea’s biggest fan.

Mary jangled her earrings, launching her lesson: “Central, listen up. A ‘commodity’ is just stuff you can touch or taste—alongside gold and metals, there are beef, buns, beans, broccoli, whatever. Investors buy because prices bounce. You want the bun to get beefier, or cheaper (if you’re feeling brave).”

Victor spun his shades: “Say you snag a steak contract today, but get the steak delivered next month. If the price goes up, that’s a steak dinner for you! But if it sizzles down, maybe you’ll wish you’d bought tofu instead.”

Jenny jabbed: “When you’re LONG, you’re buying in, betting things will go up. Like grabbing the steak now, hoping someday it’ll cost more. SHORT? You’re betting it tanks—sell first, buy back later. High risk, high flavor!”

Sally rolled her eyes, “Now, a CALL means you buy the right to take the stake later, if it gets expensive. A PUT is your safety net—insurance so you can sell at today’s price, even if steak’s going as cheap as cabbage.”

Rufus slurped his soup: “Leverage is like borrowing someone else’s hot sauce. If you’re right, it makes your dish better. If you mess up, you owe them soup… with an extra burn!”

Daisy piped in: “And risk? If the other side splits, nobody gets cheese!”

Steve barked, “Spam derivatives, spam stocks—no one admits they blew it till lunch vanishes!”

Kwok waved his crab: “Seafood trades side to side—not up, not down. Just…crabwise!”

Fiona sipped, “Liquidity is just selling quick, like when your bubble tea’s gone before you know it.”

Alan grinned, “That’s why tofu is a—soft landing, always!”

Back in the fray, Benny kept talking, excuses flying wild: “It’s not my fault!

"The intern swapped the trading screen with the dim sum bill!”

“My calculator boiled over in the hotpot!”

“Solar flares scrambled my beef data!”

“The Wi-Fi password’s ‘EatMoreTofu’—even the system’s vegan!”

“Too much tofu jammed the beef!”

“Cow mascot trampled the risk model!”

“Is this Thursday or Friday? Did anyone check?”

Socials exploded: “Barbecued beef? Time for hotpot!” Commercials tumbled in—Pork-Belly Notes and Cheese Derivatives (“Lactose-free investors welcome!”).

A poll: Should Benny apologize, or just launch something even crazier?

Apologize (7%)

Go wild! (93%)

Last words from the mega panel:

Mary: “Benny—market king or roasted cow?”

Victor: “Undercooked, every time!”

Jenny: “Tall tales, tall steaks!”

Fiona: “Tea is the only future!”

Rufus: “Soup always wins.”

Steve: “Spam never fails—or admits it!”

Alan: “Tofu doesn’t fall far.”

Benny wiped the gravy from his chin, faced the camera, and winked: “Remember, it’s never my fault if I can explain loud enough!”

In Central? In investment banks? Nobody’s ever wrong—unless they run out of excuses. And Benny? He’s got a lifetime’s supply.