A Little Sleep

She threw herself in front of her bedroom door and glared, “I don’t need a babysitter to go to the store”. 

“Kira, It’s been over a year, and your brother is tired.” Jordan pleaded. 

Not this time. That sunshine smile always found a way to break her down, but not today. She knew Jordan was on a tight schedule, and if she could battle here for just ten minutes, she'd have to leave without her. 

Kira pouted in the passenger seat as Jordan turned into the parking lot of the store eight minutes later. 

“Why haven’t I seen you?” Jordan asked concerned.

“I don’t know, everything’s just different now.”

Kira replied, speaking into the car window. 

“Yeah, I used to see you more,” Jordan said deflated, her sunshine clouded while her eyes fell toward the wheel. 

“That’s not what I mean” 

Jordan raised her eyebrows and gave her a look as if to say that’s exactly what was meant.

“So, who have you been seeing then?” Jordan continued in her inquiry as she left the car.

“I’ve been talking to my parents mostly. Oh, and my brother” Kira called after her.

“I'm sorry he cut you off from his grocery deliveries” Jordan innocently antagonized, trying to pry Kira's whereabouts from her.

“I’ve just been busy”. Kira gulped her coffee loudly to avoid an inevitable follow-up. 

They entered the store. The expectations of an underwhelming Friday-morning lull were exchanged for a reality of chaos. The air itself sang in waves full of loud voices, bustling with customers as if it were a lavish marketplace. Kira reached for her pocket, searching for a mask. “what are you doing?” Jordan asked. “They don’t like that anymore, now it just makes you look suspicious.” Jordan motioned her head gently towards the manager perched near the sliding doors, now clearly staring at them “Speaking of, do you want to leave your bag behind? His Excellence might think we’re trying to steal”. 

Kira shook her head, clinging tightly to its straps. 

Over a year had passed since she’d felt this scene play out. Familiar and unsettling, a fever dream she woke up from and yet couldn’t escape weighed on her mind while she swiveled around a once unassuming place. Even so, the smell of the bakery was full of mouthwatering sweetness; and warm smiles of people flashed more than she had ever noticed before. All unfamiliar and strange. The bright white circles on the floor where social distancing stickers were once stuck were the only eulogy to a time not so long ago. 

Kira remained frozen to the side by the entrance, looking for a break in the tight stream of foot traffic “Has there been some kind of wild demand increase for… groceries?”. 

Jordan grabbed her hand and led her into the wave of people. Shoulder to shoulder among a crowded herd they rustled their way to their first stop. Jordan glanced at the little yellow list, “I’m still scared to sneeze in a store. I feel like everyone will spin me in bubble wrap and shoot me to the moon”. 

Fortunately for Kira, they were spat out near the first aisle they needed, “I’m still not used to it” she shuffled away from the crowd with a shiver “I feel naked without a mask”. 

Hardly twenty paces were shared between the girls before Kira started itching to leave “How much longer, I’m tired?” Her darkened eyes told the story better than her question ever could. 

Jordan paused “You keep saying you’re tired, but this is the second cup of caffeine I’ve seen you inhale in the last 15 minutes.” Kira rattled her mug, shocked it was already empty “What are you trying to say?” She replied as if trying to protect a secret place where it all mysteriously went.

Jordan’s eyes narrowed, seeing through what was left of Kira’s facade “you need to accept the reality that you’re a coffee-powered robot”. 

Kira sighed. 

“Hand me the list; you get the cereal, I’ll grab everything else” Jordan took the little yellow note and disappeared before Kira could say “that’s all I’ve wanted since we got here”. 

She walked cautiously alone. The aisles cast long shadows, once empty, now crammed, with stocks just as full. No indication of shortage, or hint of stress. Every person bumping and brushing others with every reach, reminded her of just how fast time goes by. There was no deliberate way of searching, just mindless meandering through packed aisles without a care in the world. Kira squeezed the cloth mask in her pocket tighter, wondering why she couldn’t be like them; she wanted to forget more than anybody, and yet she stood alone in a crowded market as the only one who couldn’t. Every passing face taunted her like she would be able to do this if something was different. Maybe if she shocked the world and finally landed a half-decent job they’d care about what she was feeling right now. Maybe if she just got a little sleep, she would feel sharper, and learn to sail swiftly through the crowd like the mess on her bedroom floor. Something, anything would surely be better than moving through the crowd like she was sleepwalking. 

After her odyssey over two aisles, Kira closed in on the cereal. She targeted the cereal with the poise of a lion, then chose her moment to flail over to grab it like a frightened goose. 

She nearly made a clean getaway, but a toddler standing idly with his mother blocked her escape. To her horror, she had caught the attention of the little boy, — yet another bad break. Their eyes locked like crossed swords, ready to duel for enough room to slip out of the aisle. The boy fired his opening salvo in the form of a dripping sneeze, promptly wiped on his hand. Kira recoiled but stood her ground, shaken but determined to get past, she walked a tightrope line at the edge of the aisle. The boy was not done with her, following up by extending his arm like a snot-covered lance, ready to charge. Her eyes pleaded with the little boy to change his mind. He waddled forward and spared no boxes as he punctured the wall of cereal, dragging them off the shelf with every half-step. Kira knew the day was lost; this was his aisle now. She rushed backward and didn’t stop until she had turned behind the endcap. 

Kira doubled over, clutching the cereal victoriously. 

Jordan’s voice flashed over her shoulder “Are you hiding?”. 

Kira looked up with pride “I won” holding up the box of cereal like spoils of a hard-fought war. Jordan was stuck somewhere between puzzled and impressed. She spun her wheels searching for an appropriate response before finally proclaiming, “So have I” and holding up the small basket of goods she had picked out during the same time. A toothy smile came out of Kira, she didn't care about anything, except the excitement of leaving that poured out of her. A loaf of bread, that’s all she needed, then she’d be right back home. 

“Look, it’s you” Jordan extended a little robot keychain on their brief walk to the baker's corner, " I couldn't find any brunettes". Kira examined the grey robot in her palm, and tapped on its round red head “He’s adorable”. Before she had time to even think about collapsing onto her inviting bed, she felt a cart clip her heels. Annoyed, she glanced back to see a burly man chewing gum with his mouth open behind her, staring ahead completely unaware of his own presence. She pulled the first loaf of bread she could reach from the shelf and scurried away. A bellowing voice called out “why isn’t there any white left?”. The man leaned over the counter, choosing this moment to return to earth from his blissfully ignorant trance right into the face of the poor baker. Kira glanced at Jordan to see if she had seen it too “I know” she replied nonchalantly, ushering her forward. 

The end was finally in sight. Just a few more steps and Kira was done with this little theater and back safely at home. Jordan placed the assortment of items onto the belt “All done. Not so bad right?”.

Kira daydreamed, already thinking about the sleep that awaited her. For a second, she felt relieved. 

A familiar silhouette emerged immediately behind her, with a crooked wheel dragging over the white tiles. “It’s him!” Kira whispered breathlessly, Jordan acknowledged by putting herself between them in line. 

“Payment, miss?” The young cashier asked. 

Kira had completely neglected to pull her purse, she had been far too occupied with the man “I must have misplaced it, just a moment please”. 

She searched to no avail and dumped the purse's contents onto the checkout belt. She panicked and pulled the mask from her pocket while a half-smile. The cashier looked on unimpressed. 

“Well? Hurry up!” The man behind her crossed his arms and stared through her. His patience burned thin, and Kira was supplying an extra matchstick with every second she stuttered. “I’m trying, I’m sorry.” She fumbled for her card “would you mind giving me a little room?” She squeaked, her hands rattling like a tiny engine in her backpack. The cashier nervously glanced at the man to look for approval, then back to the girls. “Miss, if you can’t pay, please step aside” he motioned away. “I can pay” Her head darted around. The cashier, the man, her emptied purse on the belt, Jordan. All waiting. The narrow checkout line started closing in, squeezing her between its slim straits. 

“Oh, I’ve had enough!” the man slammed his hand into his thigh “you keep on going with that ‘p-please g-give me some s-space’ act and stop wasting everyone’s time!” He raised his hands to match his pitch to mock Kira. “People like you are why everyone’s afraid all the time.” He snarled, pointing his finger squarely at her chest as she watched helplessly on. She looked at the cashier for help, but his face was as white as hers. Meekly repeating “Step out of line, miss”. She didn’t feel safe here. This is why she never came back to these places. 

Jordan had enough and sprung into action. She focused her eyes on the cashier in disbelief he hadn’t yet intervened “are you going to be bold and tell him to act like a human being? Or are you going to get your boss?” She said defiantly, unwilling to watch her friend rattle apart into shambles. She began collecting the contents of Kira's purse, still sitting on the belt.

“Miss, this doesn’t concern you,” the cashier said, refusing to look the man in the eye. The burly man fluttered his hand goodbye at Jordan. 

Jordan took his insult on the chin without so much as a flinch and briskly replied “You’ll scuff your ring if you keep waving like that” 

“I don’t have a ring".

“Well, there’s a shock” Jordan casually replied in apathetic disbelief, finally collecting the last of the purse's contents. 

Kira feared the situation was escalating at every turn and plunged her arm into her backpack. A shattering sound sent crackles of glass clattering in every direction. Everyone froze.

“You stupid girl - you got it all over me!” 

The man yelled, his shoes blasted by the spray of brown glass and fermented rye. 

Jordan stood with wide eyes and sucked-in lips. She was as shocked as the other three as if she was not the one who dropped the bottle that sent whiskey flying in every direction. She stared at the cashier, her arm still unmoved from the outstretched position she dropped the bottle from. Dead silent, like a child with their hand caught in a cookie jar, she waited for a response. 

“You were trying to steal that!” The cashier stood up straighter, “that came from her bag”. 

Mercifully, Kira found her card stuck at the bottom of her backpack. She didn't think about how it could've possibly gotten there, only that she needed to leave. She tapped the chip in a swift sleight of hand and swiped her groceries.

The store manager rushed over to investigate the crash. He flung himself through the cramped line and examined the mess, and met their petrified stares. The cashier motioned towards Jordan. He groaned, understanding his mousy body language. “This lane is closed. We need to clean up.” He gestured the man behind them away, then turned to the girls, checking the receipt still printing hot from the register “You two, take your things and get out”. 

The man behind them steamed, but his clenching teeth crushed the words before they left his mouth, eventually moving away. Kira fled the store like it was on fire, only allowing herself to look back once the car door was slammed shut and she had collapsed into the car seat. She waited for Jordan, who took her time to get in, falling into her seat with a calm sigh while she settled. 

Kira glanced up to meet her eyes for a second before shooting them back at the floor “You soaked him full of whiskey”.

“I’m sure it was in his plan for today anyway,” Jordan said, leaning back to run her hands through her hair, and starting the car as if nothing had happened “What’s wrong?”. Kira stayed silent. Her head was buzzing with questions she had no answers to, but Jordan wouldn’t let it go “All that from some jerk in the store?” Jordan replied, starting the car. 

“It’s not the store or that man. I just don’t belong here, I’m a square peg in a round hole” Kira crossed her arms and pressed her knees into the passenger door. 

“People are always going to suck a little bit. But they always have. No mask or private hideaway is going to prevent it” Jordan promptly replied, brushing her golden hair from her eyes. 

Kira waited, but this was a battle she was always going to lose. “Why is that fair!” she cried out in frustration. She did everything right, everything that was asked of her; the distancing, the sacrifices, the torrid isolation melting her life, and still, she felt like she was left behind by the world before her twenty-fourth birthday had passed. 

Jordan mulled over her next words carefully, “Who are you mad at, Kira?” Jordan glanced at her friend, and for the first time all day she had really seen her. A sinking expression cast on a withering body, starved of life; of even a simple joy. “It's not fair to take it out on yourself”. 

“I missed out on everything,” Kira's soft voice cracked and gave way to the weight of her burdens “I feel like I just got skipped over”. She closed her eyes and saw the missed graduation that her grandad would have loved to see. The yeses from employers turned into nos because of a sickness she couldn’t control. Kira rallied her voice to find some brave words, even if she didn’t believe them “But I’m working on some applications, it won’t be for nothing”. 

“You’re brilliant. But you need to learn to be kind to yourself every once and a while; the world won’t do it for you” Jordan felt her own tears building, quietly gathering in the void that her dearest friend had left in her all those months ago. Concern began to pile up behind her soft eyes while teardrops slipped out. 

“Where’d you even find whiskey?” Kira mumbled while she watered her hands, defeated and deflecting.

“His cart,” Jordan shrugged frankly through her crying, unafraid to show her puffy eyes and red face spilling her emotion. 

Jordan put her hand on Kira’s shoulder, “You know they’re all so eager to move on and forget because it’s harder to accept a mistake.” Jordan consoled, “The bigger it is, the more impossible an apology becomes”. 

“You don’t feel like me,” Kira said quietly.  

“Just because I don’t feel like you, doesn’t mean I don’t understand...” Jordan looked up, “doesn’t mean I don’t need you, that I’ve always needed you”. 

Kira was caught off guard but was flushed with a warmth that raised her, a few words that didn't cost anything but she'd pay everything to hear; enough to buy her life back with. Jordan felt Kira’s joy and held onto it, allowing it to wash over her as if it were her own. She lifted her head from her hands, “Are you sure you didn’t just caffeinate a robot?” Kira said through her sniffles.

“I’m approaching certainty” Jordan embraced her. 

When Kira stood up to go inside, something dropped by her feet. “Oh god” Jordan covered her mouth in disbelief, “we’re actually thieves”. 

“Don’t look at me!” Kira raised her arms teasingly, bowing her head with a smirk “you used my bag”. 

Jordan teethed away at her fingernails, “I’m a bad person”. 

“You just tried to shoplift a bottle of whiskey worth twenty times this” Kira fought the urge to laugh. 

“Yes! But getting caught was intentional - that was supposed to be clever, this wasn’t!” Jordan rambled.

Kira gently tossed it to herself “I kind of like him”. 

Jordan perked up cautiously optimistic, “so you’re saying this was a net positive? All in all?” Her tone was as if she was trying to convince herself. Kira smiled and gave a nod, “I need you too”. Jordan turned her key, the car hummed to life, “tomorrow?”. 

“Tomorrow”. Kira waved, sending her friend on her way. 

She approached the steps no longer afraid of what was on the other side. Sure, she had plenty of cleaning up to do with no idea of where or how to begin, but somewhere, she would start. After all, for the first time in a long while, she'd have company. 

She drew a steady breath and unlocked the door.