Where did you come from, where did you go?

The first Monday that Howl opened his email, he skimmed. His vision blurred as his index finger automatically scrolled. Howl rarely digested anything from his email.

Until...

Howl believed the woman must have mistaken him for someone else. The email professed ardent love, compassions, and wishes. Howl was embarrassed and refused to believe the words were intended for him.

The sender left no clue to who they could be.

Howl spent the next several afternoons making up stories about who the couple could be.

The woman had sounded heartbroken, but strong. Howl had to admire her, but deep down he barely would admit to himself women like her intimidated him. She knows what she wants, and Howl did not believe he was up to the task.

The email read:

I am sorry to have reached out this way, I deleted your number and I am afraid to cause your wife any more pain or problems. 

What I regret most, however, is not telling you how I truly feel before I decided I had to leave your life to prevent harm. Despite my best efforts, my wishes and affections remain constant. My love for you has never ebbed. 

I know Ivy is a wonderful, majestic woman. I’m sending this to your email because I am most afraid of my words hurting Ivy any more than I already have.

At some point, I have to stop hurting myself.

My control over the situation was gone the minute I decided to trust Bill and Tasha with only parts of my secret. And then, all of a sudden. You were gone. 

I never got to tell you that I love you. Most ardently. 

If your decision is Ivy, this is the last correspondence you will hear from me. You need not reply, I will understand that you are saying Goodbye. 

I don’t want to leave this life wondering about “what if’s” forever, so I suppose you could say this is my last stand.

Thank you for being kind to me. I will forever treasure the memories you were generous enough to share with me. 

Nina

Howl hoped Nina was still alive. He would try and find her, if Time allowed.

The following Monday, How’s fingers thrummed over and over on his desk. One finger after the other. His other hand was preoccupied with holding his chin up.

Howl started his morning by staring at the next email:

I must say, this really hurts. And now I’m allowing myself to feel this pain. I thought we were close friends, and yet you didn’t even do me the solid of a goodbye. Not even a text, merely silence. 

I suppose it took this heartbreak to realize my true feelings, too late it would seem. I admit I watch for your truck often. I usually feel like a creep. 

I wish I told you how I really feel. 

Now, I feel so sad. Now I am remembering again what it feels like to have your heart broken by people you love. Fuck. 

How was I supposed to tell you my feelings? These difficult, complicated feelings that I barely can keep under control. Now that I finally am in control of myself (for the most part) and taking care of myself, it would seem I have lost the opportunity. 

Lesson learned I suppose. Tell people you love them before it’s too late. Although... I did didn’t I? Was it not enough? 

Howl didn’t understand. The emails arrived out of order. Why was Nina working backwards now? And why didn’t she include names this time?

Howl switched hands, hoping to gain a new perspective with a new position.

The next Monday, Howl hoped the next email would explain the confusion. But nothing came. He shrugged it off, reminding himself to look the following Monday.

Again, nothing came.

3 months passed before the next letter came. Instead of clearing the air, Howl fell deeper into the quicksand of confusion.

Dear Howl,

Time has passed and still no direct word from you. Neither you nor Ivy has tried approaching me, so occasionally my anxiety spins as I wonder what you must think of me. I worry about the worst case scenario, but I hope that you remember me. 

I am so sorry if I have caused either you or Ivy pain. I tried to keep this secret locked inside in an attempt to avoid collateral damage. I started to share with those I trust, but mistakes were made. I trusted some of the wrong people. 

I try not to dwell, instead I live. I try to be grateful for the experiences we shared, even though my heart has broken twice over. 

If I truly love you, I can let you go. 

My feelings are confused because of the reactions I’ve seen. I still love Ivy as well, despite the high probability that she hates me. I understand Ivy’s pain all too well, I hope my distancing is the right move this time. 

I wish you would come to me, perhaps confront me. Alas, I know your character too well because it aligns with mine. We are anxiety ridden wrecks who tremble at the thought of conflict. I hope during this time of space we have the chance to think everything through. 

It was easy for me to fall in love with you, Howl. You have shown me a kindness that is rare in my history. Watching you love on Ivy just made me fall harder. Jealousy never tainted my feelings for you. I merely relished being near you and feeling your love, even if it was never meant for me. 

I never realized how strong my power as an empath was until I met you. I always felt right with you, until the fall happened I guess. After the fall, I became so confused and so full of feelings that I didn’t know what to do with, that I think it showed in ways I didn’t want it to. I felt out of control. I felt crazy. I still do sometimes. 

Always,

Nina