Waiting for love

To love somebody, that's a curious thing. We are taught to believe we love our family, the parents, the siblings, the kids. We are taught to believe we love our friends. Not as we are supposed to love our family of course, but a close second.

We are taught to believe there is this one big true love. A love like the one we see in the movies, read about in books, dream of and expect to find one day. If we are just pretty enough, and skinny, enough, and willing enough. Willing to do whatever it takes to be worthy of such a love.

Up to a few months ago I would have laughed at such an idea. Actually did laugh, whenever I was asked if it wasn't time for me to settle down, to find a man that loves me. That I could love. To have kids because, you know, time's running out and once you're north of thirty, you're as good as dead anyways.

I thought people were making this up, inventing this love-thing to … I don't know, sell stuff maybe? Make up and diets and apps for finding your significant other. Or maybe they really believed in it, because they desperately wanted to. Once you are worthy of such a great love you are worthy as well, worthy of... well, just worthy, I guess.

I thought it was all nonsense.

Well, now I know better.

The first time I saw him was outside the bookstore. I planned on picking up my preordered books, strolling along, enjoying the sunshine on my too white skin that would turn lobster red in no time, and not paying attention where I was going.

He was browsing through the books on offer that were displayed on a table right next to the door.

„Oh,“ he said, when I bumped into him.

„Oh,“ I said, taken aback. He was – and still is – the most beautiful man I had ever seen. The brown hair framed his face in smooth waves, light stubble covered the broad jaw. One eyebrow raised he took my measure with piercing blue eyes that turned my insides to mush and made my knees weak.

It was indeed like they describe it in those cheesy novels. Those rom-coms on the big screen. Every cliché was fulfilled, and just moments before that would have made me retch.

This most perfect specimen of a human man was still looking at me, waiting, expecting something quite obviously. It took me a moment to understand.

„Oh, sorry,“ I mumbled, not really comfortable with meeting his gaze, but not able to look away either.

„No worries,“ he said and turned away to again have a look at the books. That left me stunned. Why had he not tried to talk to me? Start a inconsequential conversation, just to turn it into an exchange of numbers followed by a cozy dinner and a lifetime of bliss. Instead he just turned around and payed me no mind any longer. Did he not feel what I felt? The deep connection, the instant attraction – the true love?

Well. Sometimes you have to fight for what you want, isn't that right?

„Any good finds?“ I asked.

„No,“ he answered, a puzzled look on his face. And I waited.

„Uhm... have a nice day,“ he said and walked away.

„You too,“ I answered, even though he was already too far away to hear it.

And now it must have been my face with the puzzled look on it. And before I even realized what I was doing, before I could even think this through, my feet got a life of their own. Step by step by step I was following the love I'd never believed in and now couldn't imagine living without. I wouldn't be able to breath without this man by my side. I wouldn't.

He walked briskly so I really had to hurry not to lose him in the afternoon crowd. There were restaurants to both sides of the street, from fast food to fine dining every appetite was catered to. Fancy bars for a night out with the girls and cute cafés when you needed a break from shopping in the little shops that offered small knickknacks and the latest fashion.

I was passing one of those cafés, full of people and chatter and the smells of coffee and cake, when suddenly he turned around. My body reacted before my head could realize what was happening, and I bent down to seemingly tie my shoelaces anew. I felt a few inquiring looks, the café patrons wondering about my bizarre full stop.

Carefully I peeped in his direction, but he seemed to have lost his suspicion – or I read too much into his actions in the first places. Anyways, he moved along, brisk pace and all, and no sooner had I stood up did I see his magnificent form vanish around the next corner.

Ignoring the whispers that accompanied my sudden departure, I walked as fast as I could without actually running. Making such a spectacle of myself shall remain my last resort.

I hurried around the corner as well.

There he was, fiddling about with his keys. Seemed to be where he lived, this white house with the dark blue shutters and the light blue door. A small house in a quiet side street, surrounded by a garden with a brown fence. The lawn behind was well kept from what I could see, and so were the flowerbeds, birthplace to a variety of domestic and exotic flowers that sprouted blossoms in any imaginable colour. The heads were stretching up towards the sun, just as I had done a little while ago.

He vanished inside the house. Slowly I approached the building, wondering if I should just ring the bell. Tell him I'd like to get to know him better.

Hi, my name is... no that sounded stupid.

Hello, we just met outside the bookstore.

Or maybe better:

Sorry for bumping into you, how about a coffee in town to apologize?

Yes, yes that was it.

I was still practicing my opening line again and again, and so I wasn't paying much attention to my surroundings.

„I'm faster than you, Mommy,“ yelled a tiny someone right next to me, oblivious to my presence or my imminent anguish. Dumbstruck my eyes followed the little girl that pushed the gate open and ran up towards the front door. Once there she turned around and gave a big toothy grin before she turned around again. Almost right away the door was opened and the little girl jumped into the arms of who I could only assume was her father.

Who I definitely knew was my one true love.

There was a hissing in my mind, a static that was proof of my brain working double time to make sense of what I'd just seen.

„Can I help you?“ I turned around to see the most beautiful woman I could have ever imagined. She smiled one of those genuine smiles.

„Can I help you?“ she asked again, and that pulled me out of my stupor.

„Help... no, no thank you. I was... I was just...“ She still smiled, and I still didn't know what to say. „I was admiring the flowers,“ I finally said and pointed in the vague direction of her garden. Her smile got even brighter because of this small compliment that had been surprisingly sincere.

„Thank you so much,“ she said, before she vanished into the house as well.

Only then did I realize what that all meant. There's realizing and then there's realizing, and only now did I really get it. His wife. His daughter. He was married.

My whole face felt like it was on fire, tears prickled in my eyes. And I ran. I ran as fast as I could, till I could run no more. My heart was pumping.

Ok. So he had a wife. Didn't matter. He had married her before he knew of me. Couldn't really blame him. But what to do about it now?

My tears had dried.

I sat down on a little wall that surrounded a big yard in front of a big house that looked like about a hundred years ago it used to be the residence of some rich people that were now long dead.

He had to realize he had made a mistake. He had to realize that I was the one, not her. He had to realize that he won't ever be able to love her as much as he loved me.

He would, eventually.

But there was no pressure.

I would wait.

Feeling a lot better I got up and walked back to his house. Dusk was setting in and at one point the street lights came on. I walked in their fluorescent light, weaved in and out of the circles of light, in and out of the dark beyond.

I opened the gate and slipped onto the premises. I peeked through the window, saw their happy faces. I could see them sitting around a table, laughing, talking, sharing their meal. Imagined to smell the food they had. Imagined being inside, with him. Just us.

That's when I realized I didn't even know his name. But that was insignificant really, in the grander scheme of things.

And so I waited. I watched and I waited.

And have done so for all the nights since.

And I will keep on waiting, for how long it will take till he realizes he loves me back.