Crap

      We're here, again. Again, we're here: tables, the musician playing the usual folk music shit, the woman behind the counter working at light speed; dija vous, but it's not Groundhog Day, because it is a different day. Yesterday was Wednesday and today is Thursday and we're in Seattle. Fuck Seattle. Everything is water. Look at your $100 container of shampoo. Know what the first ingredient is? Water. Tap water. Nobody knows it here, but me. That's what their selling is gourmet Seattle tap water. Wow, this is the best cup of Joe I've ever had. It's not the grounds, it's the fucking water. Better buy a few bags to take home. Gee, wonder why it doesn't taste like it did there? Because other cities don't put shit in their tap water. Maybe you think that's a simile or a metaphor; it's not. 

           Raise your hand if you know who Sir Jon Crapper is: Is anyone raising their hands? No. A few kids and teenagers in the back are chuckling because I said Crapper, but there's a reason for that. See, people used to use porta potties or the equavalent for years and there was no such thing as plumbing. Then, Sir Jon Crapper invented the flushing toilet. Someone else invented toilet paper a while before. They used to use paper, leaves or whatever the fuck they could get their hands on. But, Seattle, Washington (is there another Seattle?) has a flooding problem and a drought problem. I know that doesn't seem logical, but hear me out.  See, Washington, Oregan, and California suffer from drought during their summer months even though they're by the Pacific Ocean. Then, when it rains in the fall, the water rises over the first floors of most buildings and guess what rises with it? The plumbing; all of it. Then, the sewage system, with old pipes, takes the soiled water back into the sinks, water fountains, and showers of the residents and tourists of Seattle, Washington and this is what the people and drink with: piss and shit. 

           Oh and let us not forget about all the dried grass in Washington. Raise your hand if you want to see brown grass when your walking into this business? No, right. So, people made a business of spray painting lawns with green so their lawns would look pretty.  Don't forget to water the spray painted lawns. Right? 

           This is also the Anarchist capital of the world. Remember when the WTO, IMF, and World Bank came here? But, so did the Anarchists. Gas bombs, riot gear, hand cufs, none of these were a match for Recipes for Disaster. But, if you got thirsty or tired after throwing a tear gas bomb back at the pigs or you started feeling tired, you could come here and get caffinated piss water. Oh, and let us not forget, this place has the original slogan where the bitch's hair is behind her back and her breasts are exposed. Sex'll sell more caffinated piss water, right? 

           Then, there's the grunge scenes. Grunge started in Seattle. Just watch the film, The Hype. All the great bands started here: Green Day, Soundgarden, the Wallflowers, everybody got their start here. And this place that sells caffinated piss water tried to get the grunge scene to play here, but there wasn't enough stage or seats for the fucking audience. But, there is for a single acoustic folk guitarist. That says Seattle, Washington, right? 

           But people come to this piss hole for a lot of reasons: To hang out and talk with friends, to take a caffinated piss water break and unwind, to read, check their e-mails, look up things on the internet, work from their laptop, and a billion other reasons. But, it's always nice to get a buzz from fresh caffinated piss which I made fresh every day. Idiots. 

           And of course, due to the infamous lawsuit with McDonald's, they have to put a warning on every cup of caffinated piss water:  “Caution: Contents Hot.” Of course it's hot you idiots. It has to be hot because of the Seattle Department of Health. Morons. If caffinated piss isn't boiled to a certain temperature, it contains bacteria and viruses from the human body, so legally it has to be warm to kill these things. But, the morons, oh, I'm sorry, the tourists need warnings on their caffinated piss water to let them know it's hot. Where did they go to school?

           And they have to ask the customers stupid questions like do you like your piss water caffinated or decaffinated? What the fuck would be the point of buying decaffinated piss water? Hell, if you wanted that, you could drink a glass of Seattle water, wait half-an-hour, get a mug, put it in the microwave for half an hour, and you'd have decaffinated piss water for free. Morons.

           Also, every city in America has an accent: New Yorkers, Boston, and Seattle. Tourists like it when they here us natives talking with an accent, which is one of the reasons they keep coming to get piss water. They always have cameras and are posing with the naked woman, smiling. Hell, next thing you know they'll have a naked woman made of cardboard tourists can stick their head through to take pictures. We always help tourists since tourists are the staple of our economy. No tourists, no jobs, no money, no more caffinated piss water. 

           Oh, and, if you're a fuck head and don't like grunge, caffinated piss water, or anarchy, have no fears. There's lots of other boring shit in Seattle like everywhere else. The first gas station in America is here, there are art museums, libraries, a state capital, and other things that will bore the shit out of you.

           But, you can't get to know Seattle in a week, on a cruise, or on a tour. Hell, you can't understand any city until you've lived there for at least a year. You don't understand the politics of the city, the ratio of men to women or any other ratios. You don't see shit like flames coming from the sewers, boating to work, or anything else. It's like reading the abridged version of a book and telling people you've read the book. Or watching the movie version of a book and saying you've read the book. Or meeting a person for three minutes and feeling you understand them. 

           Every city has a soul, a history, a future, a story and no one can tell everyone's stories of a city, not even me. Think about the movie, Vantage Point, where the audience sees the same scene, but depending on whose view it's from, the story's different. It's the same thing with the city of Seattle. For the aspiring musician, it's different from the IT guy in a business building, and that's different from the anarchist throwing a molotov cocktail into a police cruiser. There a trillions of stories to tell and not enough trees to tell them.