Never Meant For Me

The only thought keeping me grounded during the difficult stages of my life was the thought of Logan and his smile. The one that made it seem as if the whole sun had toppled down to earth and taken the form of his lips. His smooth dark locks that were eager to defy all rules and gravity. You could be in a room full of color, and light and his presence would still be the brightest.

Too bad he wasn't mine.

He hadn't proclaimed his undying love for me yet so either he was absurdly exceptional in concealing his emotions or unfortunately, not interested. The latter was more believable but also the one I didn't want to believe in. He was a year older and also in NONE of my classes so naturally, the only way I knew him was through one of my friends (Amber) who was dating one of his (Joshua). Ever since I set my eyes on him, I couldn't steer my thoughts elsewhere. It was as if he was the ocean in which case I was keen to drown.

I remember the time my eyes first rested on his when Amber was introducing us to Joshua and his friends. His hand was held out for me to shake and I took it tenderly. He radiated pure warmth, his hands light, and welcoming. He had me right in the palm of his hand and he didn't even know. Call it love at first sight or call it stupid hormones. I just knew it was something special.

Things changed one day, though. Like they always do.

My Best Friend, Celeste came over to my house with the words, "I've got MAJOR news!"

She was practically squealing. This must've been some news if she couldn't keep her excitement on the low like she usually did. I didn't quite know what to expect. Did she get a dog? Did she finally secure those limited edition shoes she'd been seeking for months? Did someone get married?? The possibilities were endless.

"Do you remember that guy, Logan something?" My heart penetrated towards the moon when I heard his name. If Celeste hadn't had my utmost attention just now, she definitely had more than all of it now. She had no clue as to how much I adored him because even though she was my best friend, news spread around like wildfire and if I wasn't careful enough, Logan would find out about this through a series of don't-tell-anyone-else-buts. 

"Yeah...rings a bell, I think."

"Well, Amber told me that Joshua told her that Logan kinda has a crush on Megan!" I inhaled sharply. The way she was reciting her words, each draping with excitement, almost had me thinking her sentence would end with a "you",  not a "Megan". Just two minutes ago I was fantasizing about Logan and now I was being told that he liked Megan? I didn't know what to be upset about - the fact that he liked someone else or the fact that he liked one of my friends which meant that if she liked him back even a teeny bit, he was completely out of bounds? This is what happens when I finally like a guy.

"That's...that's great!" I had to plaster on my most convincing smile. "Does she like him back?"

"YES! I told her and she said she’d had a crush on him for the longest time," Oh no. I didn't stand a chance with him before but now it was a whole different story. Before it was just a matter of being out of his league but now, it had become much more and much worse. Maybe it would've been better of me to have my friends about this. At least I would have called dibs.

I didn't think a guy like that would even grant me a second glance but coming to terms with the harsh reality like this felt like some shadow had been cast over my whole world. Logan was my source of happiness. He made me smile and laugh every time I chanced upon him. Now, I couldn't even think of him without feeling a pang of sadness and guilt. Megan was pretty. She wasn’t nearly as close to him as I was but she bore the looks. Having a face cut right from the pages of a magazine clearly had its perks. I, on the other hand, had a face people forgot about even before they’d stopped looking at it. Why would Logan ever like me? 

‘Mission Impossible : Forget Logan’ ensued immediately. I started venturing out of my way to avoid him. When I did happen to cross paths with him, I would shoot a curt smile and be on my way. He obviously took no notice since he was busy wrapping his head around Megan. I knew I still loved him. He’d unconsciously shattered my heart into a million pieces and yet it gradually started healing just so it could beat for him again. 

Megan and him began dating. It was bound to happen sooner or later. I’d have preferred it if it never happened at all though but they unfortunately didn’t require my blessing. 

“Are you avoiding me?” Logan asked one day as i attempted to move past him without even exchanging a glance. What was I supposed to say? 

“No,” short and simple, an answer you couldn’t build webs around.

“Oh,” he frowned slightly. “It just seemed as if you were. You used to say hi. You dont anymore.”

“Just didn’t notice you.”

“Well, I noticed you.”

That came as a bolt from the blue. I gazed up at him, caught off guard by what he said. It was weird. So weird.

“No, not like that!” he quickly added, before i had the chance to point it out. “I just meant that I miss our friendship.” I felt like I had just been transported to a fool's paradise. I knew that his feelings were platonic through and through but it hurt no one if i imagined something else. Still, I had no response. I didn’t want to get him down in the dumps by avoiding him constantly but I also didn’t want to remind myself of what wasn’t mine very time I saw him. 

“Tell me if I did anything wrong,” he continued after seeing I wasn’t going to respond. “I’ll apologise.” He was too kindhearted for my liking. We weren’t good friends to begin with and he was still prepared to apologise. For nothing. He didn’t do anything, to be fair. Not knowingly, anyway. 

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Logan.” 

“Then why do I feel like I did?” 

“Paranoia.”

“I don’t care what it is. I tried to stop and talk to you for days but you’d just rush past me.”

He looked like he was going to reduce to tears. What was wrong with him? Why did he care at all in the first place?

For the next few days, I avoided him more subtly. I’d use longer hallways to get to classes for the sake of not running into him. However, when I did see him, I interacted with him minimally at least so he wouldn’t sense anything. It hurt, obviously. I had to cease myself from seeing him through my own eyes, forced to put on a new lens in the name of friendship. It was an absurd weight on my shoulders that just didn’t seem to budge. 

It more than just budged a few days later, though, when Logan told me that he couldn’t take it anymore and confessed to liking me. 

What. The. Hell. I received doses of shock each week and this was getting excruciating. I questioned him, concerned that I might’ve misheard what I’d so desperately wanted to hear for the longest time. 

“I only started dating Megan to get close to you because I was too afraid you’d reject me,” he explained. “But when you grew even more distant, I knew this plan was of no use and so here I am, ready to amend my errors.”

I stood fixated at my spot. All my respect for this young man right here descended like a downstream river. Using a girl to get to another girl? Using my Friend? How dare he? The words that I’d yearned to hear were suddenly poison to my ears. Despite me having been head over heels for him, I wouldn’t have ever placed him above Megan. Megan always had both boots on when it came to backing up her friends. How could I have it in me to rejoice over this cruel revelation?

He wasn’t wrong when he said I’d reject him. That’s exactly what I did. Logan was charming, a boy straight out of my dreams. However, he was not worth it if I had to lose a Friend at his expense. There were many Logans in the sea but who knew if I’d ever find myself a Megan again?