Not the Neighbor.

      I could have sworn I put the keys in my purse, but no. There they were mocking me from the countertop which just so happened to be on the other side of the locked door. I took a deep breath, no big deal – I could totally walk to work. Almost as though on cue, a cackle of thunder reiterated the impending weather. Maybe not. The neighbor to my left was a locksmith by trade, but it would take a lot more than a locked door to ask HIM for help. He gave me the creeps. Actually, he gave everyone the creeps. I sat on the step to try to wrap my mind around my predicament. Car keys in house, house keys in the house, door locked. I could call my best friend who has the spare, but oh wait, no – SHE’S OUT OF TOWN FOR THE WEEK. I placed my hands in front of me, invisibly weighing my options: call a locksmith and pay more money than I have to spare or suck it up and ask my creepy neighbor. Neither. Neither of those were good options. The only option left was to break in. This would set off my overpriced alarm system and draw the whole neighborhood’s attention to the fact that I locked myself out…again. Still better than the creepy neighbor.

           The little voice in my head reminded me of the blatantly open window that I missed last time I had to break into my house. So, more enlightened this time around, I made a point to check. Of course, knowing that rain was coming, I had diligently spent my morning shutting and locking every window “just to make sure they were really closed.” It was at that moment that I remembered the key under the rock. I couldn’t remember which rock specifically, but I knew the general area where I placed it. So I got to flipping. Rock, after rock, after rock, it eventually dawned on me that the key I was looking for had been the one I used to replace the key I had lost last month. So there went that plan.

           My neighbor had been watching me, he knew exactly what was going down. Ten minutes had passed, and he had made himself cozy on his porch watching this unfold as though he were certain that I would eventually cave in and ask him for help. He was wrong this time. So wrong. I was going to succeed at getting those keys. The first rain drop fell. A warning. I glanced at my watch. Obviously, I was going to be late for work if I did not leave now. I looked over at my neighbor and to my horror he caught my gaze and waved. I had to act like this was no big deal and decided in that moment to take off in the direction of work. I full blown jogged until I was out of his line of sight. I pondered if I should call out of work - would that be too extreme? My briefcase was locked in my car. This was a complete mess.

           I had to call out, there was no way I could show up to work with my work. That would be absurd. I reached for my phone. It wasn’t in my pocket. My purse? Nothing. Oh right. Of course. I had set it down on the steps when I was weighing my options. That meant that I would either have to show up to work and explain myself, or turn back and hope that the neighbor had better things to do than continue to watch my nightmare unfold. Deep breath. I decided it would be more effort to show up to work and have to explain myself to everyone there than it would be to take my chances with the neighbor. I would quickly come to regret this decision. He was waiting for me.

           “I noticed you locked yourself out again.” He had his tools tucked under his arm, enough so that he could play it off if I rejected his offer to help.

           “Um, yeah. I think I have it under control. Thanks a bunch though.” I smiled awkwardly as we stood there in a drawn out silence.

           “Right. Of course. Your must have called your friend to bring over the spare you lent her. I thought she was in Europe this week. What part was she visiting again?” The way he wrung his hands made me mildly more uncomfortable than the fact that he knew my friend was in Europe. To his left I could see my phone sitting on the steps buzzing wildly. Work. I glanced at my watch. This was not good.

           “If you’ll excuse me, I have to grab this.” I reached for my phone, and he sidestepped, but it was evident he had no intention of leaving. I tried to keep the conversation hushed, but my boss was blowing up at me on the other end. I weighed my options – admit to my boss that I was in fact locked out or come up with a different excuse to buy more time? “Flat tire.” I blurted. That quickly prompted my neighbor to leap into action, eager to assist with that too. I hung up the phone in a hurry as my boss would have likely taken the opportunity to gripe about the cumulative ten times I had been late this month.

           “Flat tire? Which one. Wow, not your day. Locked out, flat tire, what’s next? The rain?” He was talking a mile a minute, and I wanted nothing more than for him to be gone. He was heavily inspecting each tire. Almost as though the day was determined to break me, the rain began to fall. “Well, well, there it is. If you want, I’ll unlock that door for you and I’ll help you get your spare on. Not sure if we can get you to work in twenty-minutes, but we can try our best.” It was evident he was enjoying this. He pulled his tool kit from under his arm. “I’ve got everything I need right here, should only take a minute.”

           “Look, I appreciate the offer, but shouldn’t you be on your way to work by now?”

           “Lucky for you, I took the day off. Wasn’t sure what I was going to do with it, but I guess it’s a good thing I did.” I had never noticed it before but the way he grinned exposed a gold tooth with a little key engraved on it. Now THAT is some serious dedication to the job. It seemed as though there was no way out of this. He had me cornered, trapped in my own driveway.

           “I got this.” The words seemed to quiver as they escaped my lips. It was so far from the truth. I could tell my words pained him, but did I care? “Look, I…”

           “Nope. Like you said, you’ve got this.” Yikes. I really did it this time.

           My phone began to ring again. It was work. “I took the last twenty minutes to put some thought into it – you’re fired.” Came the voice from the other line. The rain picked up, pounding the pavement. My neighbor had returned to his rocking chair to silently judge me, shaking his head in disappointment. Could this get any worse? The phone rang again. I picked up, but it kept ringing. What?

           “WILL YOU TURN THAT THING OFF?!” Came a voice from the next house over. I reached my arm and blindly slapped the snooze button. What a nightmare.