The wait of love

The wait of love

You are a woman so deeply in love, it seems to consume every part of your life, and of your body and every breath you take. Just seeing his picture in your mind makes your heart skip a beat.

While savoring the warm and stirring excitement in your body, you also feel the pain of uncertainty. The feelings are there, they are crystal clear but the circumstances are not so crystal clear. What you have on your side is time.

You think back to that day. “Its’ going to be a fantastic party and all the major players in advertising will be there!” says Mary. “And it will be so nice to celebrate Jesse’s birthday with her!” Feeling unmoved, you agree to go since you can see the excitement on her face and knowing that she needs company. You know what a close and special friend she has been to you since the days of university. “You can leave early if you like,” she says. You mechanically nod your head, vowing to do just that and then think of what you should wear and whether you should wash and style your hair. 

As your Uber drives towards the house, there are lights and sounds and people milling around outside, in-between the parked cars. You disembark from the car, remembering to place your palm on the seat and in-between your legs as you raise your first leg out the car, followed by your second leg. As you land on the pavement you hear the sound of Camilla Cabello’s, “Habana o nana”, blaring and immediately your mood lightens as you are drawn to the source of the music. 

As you and Mary walk towards the lit up bar, beautifully reflected in the cool blue waters of the pool you scan the scene. You spot women with perfect bodies and attractive men amongst a collection of color, noise and activity. “I’ll have a margarita please,” says Mary and you ask for a Caipirinha, your best drink ever. You note some familiar faces and start mingling, renewing acquaintances and start to relax a bit. In the midst of your conversation you get a glimpse of a face. You can’t really remember a particular feature, but something makes you feel a flicker of excitement. You immediately steal a glance again and then a third and fourth time. While you continue to converse with the colleague about work, nodding and agreeing occasionally you are drawn back to the face.  

The evening passes and you join other groups of people, with some intermittent dancing. You decide to stop staring at that face, those eyes, those lips, as every glance is met with rejection. As you start engaging in a meaningful conversation with Jonny, the senior executive, something draws you towards that face again. And this time, he is staring straight at you in a very serious and deliberate way. “Oh dear God!” you think, “what do I do?” Blushing, you stare back, transfixed in his gaze. Eventually you look away and back at Jonny, continuing your conversation. Filled with fear and excitement you go through the motions of greeting and speaking with everyone. 

At some point, you walk inside and you see him leaning against the wall. “Should I do something or wait for him?” you think. Automatically you decide to walk past him and as you are about to pass him, he smiles. “Hi!” he says. “Hello” you respond.   You walk straight to the bathroom. You close the door. You have a vision of him coming in and closing the door. But, nothing happens.

A little later, you start to look for him again, but he is not in sight. Y “Where did he go?” you think. “Why did he go”? You enquire as you walk back towards the pool. “Oh” you are told “Emmanuel… he just left with his girlfriend”. You want to die, right there and then. You inform Mary that it is time to go.  She replies “It’s still quite early”. 

Thirty minutes later you are back home, in your apartment feeling flustered, foolish and confused. You want to cry, but you cannot. You tell yourself to take a bath, have some wine, and pamper yourself. Tomorrow you will be better. 

And then, a few days later, you get a call from an Emmanuel from one of the other advertising partners your company works with. You answer the phone, not knowing who it is, being professional and pleasant and then he introduces himself. My name is Emmanuel, he says. “Is it HIM?” I think to myself. At the meeting set up two days later, you see that it is him and you realize the call was really professional. You are once more, flustered, excited and nervous. He invites you to a “lunch meeting” the next day. 

That is how it started. The lunch, lightly eaten, mistakenly brushing our hands and fingers against each other, deep stares, followed by passionate lovemaking. The most exciting time of your life! You are alive! You are flying! You are so very happy!

But then, reality hits. You remember that he had left that party with his girlfriend. Did she exist? Was she real? Talking about her with him makes you understand that this is a long-term relationship he has with her. “But why didn’t you tell me about her?” you ask. “Why did you pursue me?” you ask, a little guiltily because you had heard that he had a girlfriend. You knew that.

“Lets give it time,” he says. “Lets not rush… If you can just be a bit time to sort this out” he says.

So, here you are. You are living, you are in love and you are waiting. You never knew that waiting could be so long. So very long.

Meanwhile, while you are waiting you are happy, sometimes. One minute, you are walking on air and feel you will burst with joy and then you remember. You are waiting. Waiting for him to decide what to do. 

Each time you are with him, you suggest a deadline. “By the end of the month” you tell him. “I need to know by then”. He indicates that he is close to reaching a decision while pledging his love to you. 

The weeks turn into months and you wait. Jonny from work, aware of your struggle asks you out on a date. “You are such a beautiful, sexy woman” he says. “Anyone would be so very lucky to have you.” You turn him down. You know he is a great guy, but you love Emmanuel. You however become good friends with Jonny. You meet for breakfast and for coffee. Jonny starts to hear your story and is empathetic. You grow to like Jonny, while you are waiting.

The end of the month has come and gone. Many months come and go. Each month is a new ultimatum and Emmanuel pleads for you to be a bit more patient. His girlfriend wants to go on holiday, so he should do that and then decide. She has been looked over for promotion and is depressed. Her mom is very sick. There is never a right time. You just have to wait.

You tell Emmanuel that perhaps you should make it easier for him and leave. You will and can do it. In fact, you resolve to do it. He is in tears and looks genuinely devastated. Yet, he cannot decide. That is his problem.

You are frustrated and start to despise yourself. Yet, you think of Emmanuel and your heart starts beating fast and your desires overwhelm you. You are trapped. Jonny wants to take it to the next level. He is falling for you. You can see it. You even recognize some of the emotions he is displaying. They are so familiar. 

Jonny is starting to become more persistent. You eventually allow him to kiss you. “Quite nice” you think. But you also know that the degree of intensity with Emmanuel is just not there. 

A year has passed and you are still waiting. You are seeing Jonny weekly now while waiting for Emmanuel to decide. 

Finally, Jonny asks you to marry him. You like him a lot and feel so good with him. Yet, you cannot say yes. Not yet. 

Emmanuel knows about Jonny and does not like it. He however “understands” your friendship with him, since he has made you wait. You start giving yourself ultimatums. “If he hasn’t decided by the end of the month, I will break it off”. Yet you cannot do that just yet.

Eventually, you decide that Jonny is the one you will marry. You cannot keep on this way. You are destroying your life. 

In an explosive meeting with Emmanuel, you tell him that it is over. Both of you are crying. It is devastating. 

A month later, you are engaged. Mary is there at the party. Your friends and family are thrilled and so is Jonny. You are starting to feel lighter and happy and free. “I am starting a new life” you tell yourself. The future is ahead of me. You start making plans for the wedding and honeymoon.

Three weeks after your engagement you get a call from Emmanuel, begging you to see him. He is upset. You are concerned. What has happened? He comes to your apartment and falls at your feet. “I have finally made a decision” he says. “You are the one I love. You are the one I want to be with. I have told her that it is over. Will you marry me?”