Inner Middle-Aged White Woman

“Wow, Molly, I think it’s really beautiful.”

“Ahh, yes I loved the motif of the canoe floating down the river.”

“And finding her grandmother’s lost ring along the shoreline? Didn't see that coming!”

“Well, frankly, I thought it was a snooze fest.” Everyone in the circle yanked their heads towards Keira.

“Keira, we don’t use that type of language in here.” Ms. Tina, our instructor, contributed. “It’s not very constructive.”

“But you said to be honest!” Keira insisted.

I could feel my face getting hot and the lump in my throat growing bigger.

“Remember, this part of the session is for positive feedback only. We’ll get to constructive feedback in a moment.”

“Well, what’s the point of that!” Keira turned to me. “Molly, you want the truth, don’t you?”

Not from you. “Sure.” I managed to cough out.

“It’s so predictable! A walk along a lake? What's so interesting about that?!”

“Well, it’s supposed to be a quiet inner reflection of Ella’s mid-life crisis.” I received a few nods of approval from around the room.

Keira scoffed. “Like I haven’t heard that one before.”

Ms. Tina could see me growing agitated. “Okay, why don’t we take a five-minute break, and then we can continue our session with Robert’s story.”

Everyone in the circle took the opportunity to stretch their legs, use the bathroom, and grab a leftover donut from the AA meeting that uses the room before us.

Kiera bounced her way over to me. “Hey, I don’t mean to be harsh, but your story left a lot to be desired.” She smacked gum right in my face.

“That’s so very helpful, Keira.”

“I thought so! I hate the PC culture we’re being subjected to in here. It’s like a prison cell. Anyways, you want to go to the lake after this?”

Kiera and I had been in one another’s peripheral vision throughout all of high school. I suffered through her obnoxious tirades in biology and history class but managed to miss her in my honor’s English. I was taking this summer writing course because I planned on majoring in Creative Writing in college, then getting my MFA afterward. Keira was ordered to take this course as an alternative to summer school. Apparently, that makes us friends.

“Oh, sorry I can’t. My mom and I are going to TJ Maxx after this.” I nodded quickly hoping she would move out of the way.

Her face screwed up and she looked at me like I was a mental patient. “Oh okay, then, whatever, maybe next week!” She stomped over to the donuts.

I exhaled a sigh of relief. What did Keira know about creative writing anyway? I worked on that story for weeks. It even received an honorable mention in our school’s newspaper. And she couldn't even bother to pass English.

“Molly, can I talk to you?” Ms. Tina strolled next to me on the way to the bathroom.

For some reason, I was hesitant. “Um, sure, what’s up?”

She took me by the elbow, “Were you offended by Keira’s statements at all? You can tell me.”

I looked around the hallway to see if anyone else was around. “Well, it’s sort of hard for me to take her criticism seriously. She was never in any honors classes in high school.” My voice got quieter. “And we all know why she’s really here.”

Ms. Tina’s lips tightened. “Well, that’s not really what I meant. Maybe Kiera didn’t say it in the most eloquent of ways, but the crux of what she was saying is important, so I don’t want it to fall on deaf ears.” Her voice became forceful.

I sucked in my breath. “Oh, okay, I understand…” I noticed how badly I really needed to pee.

“You’re a very talented writer, Molly, but maybe confront some of your themes more head-on. Perhaps, Ella could have been confronted by her ex-husband in person, rather than having the reader learn about it in memory. And don’t be afraid to leave things messy. Ella finding her grandmother’s lost ring was maybe too neat of an ending. Not everything in life wraps up quite that nicely.”

I didn’t know what to say. “Did you not like my story, Ms. Tina?”

“Oh, Molly it doesn’t matter whether I liked it or not. That’s not what I’m trying to say. Your story has a wonderful foundation, but don’t be afraid to take risks. Remember, you’re in this class to learn.”

“Oh, okay, then. Thanks.” I started to move my feet from left to right. “Well, I really have to pee…so.”

“Oh, right of course! I’ll go with you.”

I tried not to think about how awkward that was and be as quiet in the bathroom stall as possible. My instructor's words rang loudly in my ears. She didn’t like my story? But my mom read it and told me she loved it! Maybe Ms. Tina didn’t understand what I was trying to say. Maybe she’s too old to understand a younger writer’s voice. She did have two books published though, including a book of poems. How was I supposed to get into a good MFA program? How was I supposed to be published by thirty if Kiera O’Donnell didn’t like my story?

As I exited the stall, there was the last person I wanted to see.

“I heard Ms. Tina giving it to you in the hallway. She was a tad harsh in my opinion.”

I drifted to the sink to wash my hands.

“You see, that’s not exactly what I meant.” Keira took a beat. “Well, I guess that’s kind of what I meant. The story lacked substance. But you didn’t do much in high school, so I’m not surprised.”

The water started to burn, but I didn’t dare move my hands. “What did you say?”

“You were all honors, right?” She was standing too close to me.

 “Um, yeah?”

“Well, I just remember you always studying and never doing anything else. I never saw you at any of the parties.”

“That’s because I don’t drink illegally,” I mumbled under my breath.

“You should really come out to the lake today." Keira tried again. "Holy shit! The lake! You could do research for your story!” Keira looked so happy like she might break out into dance in the middle of the bathroom.

I yanked my hands out from under the steaming water. I couldn't believe this. Looking back on my story, I felt embarrassed. Did she somehow know? It's true, I had never been to a lake before.

“I can’t believe I’m just now thinking of this! Come on, Molly you can’t say no. Not when it’s research for your story! I'll even walk along the lake with you and channel my inner middle-aged white woman.”

“Wow, now that's an idea!” Oh my god, Ms. Tina was still in the bathroom. She exited from the stall. “What a great way to research your story, Molly. I think you should go.”

Kiera giggled at the thought of a teacher agreeing with her party ideas. “I mean TJ Maxx can wait, right?”

“I guess, I mean…” I wiped my hands dry on a paper towel and stared at my feet. “Maybe for a little bit.”

“She’ll have an upgraded story for you by next week, Ms. Tina!” Keira O’Donnell grabbed my arm linking it with hers and escorted me out of the bathroom.

And that's how I got dragged from my writing class to go party at a lake for the first time.