Heart's Desire

     Kisandra rose to the blare of her alarm, a slight groan slipping out of her mouth as she slowly grabbed her phone to turn the alarm off. Still sitting in her bed she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and got out of her bed with a stretch. Kisandra walked down the hall to her children’s room to wake them up for school. She had two twin children, both of them were eight-years-old. She had a daughter named Ella and a son named Eric. Kisandra shook them awake and picked out their clothes to wear for school while they were going to go brush their teeth. She then left to go get dressed and to brush her teeth.

     Kisandra, now completely ready for the day, went to the kitchen to make some breakfast. Her husband James was running late to work, he quickly pecked her on the cheek and said his farewells to his family before rushing out of the house. Once the kids were dressed and fed, they were both put in the car and drove to their school. Kisandra also has a job, working as a barista at Starbucks, which she drove to after dropping her kids off at school.

     After her shift was over she still had an hour before having to pick her children up from after school activities. She decided to buy groceries at the local grocery store. She bought dinner for the day and was restocking on snacks. She almost chose not to since Eric would eat all of them in under thirty minutes. Looking at her phone she saw that she had ten minutes left, so she finished up her shopping and drove to the school to pick up the kids. Their school was on the same road as the store so she made it fairly early.

     She is now home working on dinner while the kids were working on homework that they couldn’t finish at school. Her husband didn’t get home until later that night, so he would be missing out on dinner. Her children would occasionally ask for help with their homework as they finished up. Dinner was finally complete, they sat at the table talking about how their day went.

     It was now bathtime and bedtime for the twins. After they took their bath Kisandra helped them get settled into bed. Kisandra spent the next hour browsing on her phone and watching her favorite tv show. Kisandra was surfing an online store to find Eric a new bookbag since he constantly complains about the half-broken zipper and small holes that started to appear on the bottom. She decided that she would also buy Ella a new bookbag so she wouldn’t feel left out. Her husband walked through their bedroom door greeting his wife with a smile. Her husband got ready for bed as they started to talk about their day. Kisandra had a pretty basic day, she took her kids to school, went to work, and went shopping. She laid down in her bed thinking to herself. “It could have been worse”.

     Kisandra rose in confusion. The room she was in was unfamiliar, it was cold. She looked around to process everything. She was in a hospital room, there were tubes strapped to her arms and in her nose. Her husband was sitting next to her hospital bed, her hand in his. He asked her if she was awake and after confirmation, he went to go get a doctor.

     As the doctor came into the room, James following shortly behind her, she explained to Kisandra what happened to the twins during birth. Tears fell down her face as she began to heavily weep, James, pulled Kisandra into a hug, trying to comfort her the best that he could.

     Kisandra rose to the blare of her alarm. Her face emotionless, like a demon stripped her of her spirit. She did not even have enough will power to turn off her alarm. She got out of her bed and like a zombie, she made her way down the hall. She stared into the room that was carefully prepared for the twins she would have had. Half of the room was themed for a boy with blue everywhere and the other side was for a girl with pink. More tears filled her eyes as she slid down the wall into a cradle position. Memories of her dream clouding her mind, scenario after scenario playing over and over in her head about the two lives she could have led and supervised till adulthood. Yes, she had a chance to try again, but the fear of another miscarriage held her back. Her fear stopped her from ever getting what she truly wanted.

     Her husband James turned off her alarm and helped her get up, reassuring her that things will get better. Kisandra was on a maternity break from her job, so seeing her face there out of nowhere brought shock on her boss’s face. She wanted to go there and explained her situation, her boss said that she would support her and give her as much time as she needed, but after the conversation, she quit. When driving to the grocery store, she passed by the elementary school her children would have attended. She saw little snacks and Lunchables she could have fed to her children. When she came home she cooked for her and James, thinking how much longer it would have taken to cook for two more mouths.

   When James got home he heated his food and started eating at the table. After finishing he went to their bedroom. He saw that Kisandra was laying in bed with the tv turned on, but she wasn’t watching it. She was laying under the covers, he could hear her soft cries from under the blanket. James gave her more words of comfort and reminded her that he will always be by her side. He then turned off the television and laid down to go to bed. ‘If only’ Kisandra thought to herself before going to sleep, ‘if only that dream could have been a reality’.