May I Care

Everyone I met asked me to care. I was told it was the one gift I could give the people that I come across in my long or short life’s journey. They always concluded the statement with a qualifying bonus, ‘it could be quite rewarding!’ So, they said I should try It, that I might just enjoy it, because, like I said they said, "it's quite rewarding!"

I asked them what the reward was, since I felt like I should know what I was getting into. Giving up after not being able to explain concisely, they replied, "You just try it, and you'll know."

I believed trust was equally important. And what was wrong with trying, anyways? By the way, It is caring!

I told myself indeed, "I'm going to." I made up my mind to follow what they said. A multitude cannot be wrong, could they? And since they sounded so excited, there could be no problem. What could possibly go wrong? It is a new adventure, and I consider myself an adventurer.

I responded aloud, "Isn’t it a little thing, maybe of no consequence. Of course, I'll try it out."

But I forgot to ask for directions. I did not remember to ask for a manual, the procedure; neither did anyone offer any I would need to embark on this journey. So, I did what I could in preparation, did all of that -- I did nothing.

Then I started, to care. With the first person that came my way, bearing to want my care, that I thought wanted my care. My mind made up, my soul ready, heart on my sleeves, I tried to give all the Care I could muster. This was something I had never done before, I would have never done, if not for the request.

But it turned out it was not enough. I tried, and tried, and tried to care, to show all I could in the way I thought would mean I cared, but at every turn, it was not enough for that person. I had to keep giving more, and more of myself, just to keep it going. But I found out I was still not enough. I was accused of not caring. When I sputtered my confusion and lack of comprehension, I was informed I did not care enough. Yet, I had given more than I thought I could ever give.

I told myself to take a step back, it was probably all me. Because if it wasn't, why else would everyone tell me to try it out, to care? I just did not have it in me. It was me that was not enough. I was not equipped to do this. There must be something missing. These were the thoughts running through my head.

It should have been the point to stop. But never one to give in to failure, and be called a failure, I decided to try one more time, but told myself to try just some more. Do more than I did. Give everything more, to make sure I got the effect everyone was talking about.

With the doubt of not being enough in my heart, and the fear of never making it, but with the determination of trying and never being a failure, I took it up once more, and cared yet again about the next person that came my way.

Lessons learnt from the very first time - not doing enough of what I needed to do. So, I gave it my all, all over again, and even more than ever before. Ready, always ready to do more than I ever did. But you know what, I crashed! I was yet again accused of caring so little, it was like I did not care at all.

I got hurt, repeatedly and again. But I kept trying, doing more and more with every new person, and doubting myself more than I ever did all my life. Questioning most things I knew about myself, all with which I have been anchored for ages.

It did not get better, it got worse. I was yet trying to change who I was, to fit into what people want me to be, so as to be able to care and show that I cared. Different person, different need, and a different me needed. A feeling of hollowness became my companion. I felt the life force draining as I was becoming an empty self, losing a bit and more of myself with every setting of the sun.

In the downcast mood, on a dreary day, more than ready to call it quits, and walking with my head down, I met the person who turned out to be my guiding angel. I was not searching for hope, but I was definitely looking for it. I did not want a saviour, but I desperately needed a haven. And it was just at the right moment when I greatly needed it the most.

"Young lady, why so morose?" She asked me. I stared at her, not knowing why she would ask, or expected me to give an answer. I need not spread the dirty laundry outside, I thought. I knew that much, even as I doubted every other thing.

"You can talk to me,’ she said.

I would have walked on, but weariness made my feet like lead. I thought, why not? What is the crime? It probably could not get worse, and she might know what needed to be done. What I had done wrong, and how I might move on and go forward from the point I was. I might be thinking of needing that help.

So, I told her everything, from the very beginning to the end. All I could remember in each of the trial, the failed act of caring, the feeling of not being enough, the need to find what was wrong with me, and the need to find what everyone found from caring about people. Every episode of accusation flashed through my mind as I recounted the deepest pain I call recall.

She looked at me, and shook her head. She looked at me, and she laughed out loud. She looked at me, and she wiped away the tears that were running down her face. I could not tell if it was from her laughing, but the laughter did not sound merry to me.

I did it again, I told my story to a complete loon. Could I get anything right anymore? I sighed.

I made to stand up, but her hand, held fast on my shoulder, stopped me. "Stay, pardon my mirth." How could I? I exposed my gut, and laughter it was. But her grip was firm anyways, there was no going anywhere. I pointed out how mirthless her laugher was.

She looked at me again, and after a moment, started speaking. And told me about it all. What I should I have known at the beginning, before trying to embark on the journey of care. It probably would not have gone so bad, and I would not have crashed so well. I wondered why everyone that told me I should care did not tell me this. Could it be they were as unaware as I was? I wondered.

She told me I never needed to care about everyone, not everyone deserved it, but that did not mean never trying. She explained how caring was tied to the very fibre of humanity that ran through our veins. She proceeded to explain how I should never blame myself for the inadequacies of others, because I am a person of my own. I needed not to make excuse for the failure of others, as the problem was not mine, but theirs; she concluded.

She was quiet for a while, allowing me to digest everything she has told me. Her words were filling up all the empty pockets that had become my soul. I wondered yet again why I did not meet her at the dawn of my journey.

“Young lady,” she said, “all the tools you need for ever trying, is within you. And if you will remember one thing, remember this – “not changing for others due to inadequacies, or on a ground of feeling not enough, is the most important lesson.”” She sighed, as if recalling a deep memory of her own. “Care all you want, but first, about yourself, and never at your peril,” she said, staring deeply into my soul.

I looked up to face her, and looked into her eyes, and I saw myself. The laughter was not for mirth, I finally understood. It contained the sadness for late learning, the mistakes made, the memories lost, the pains gained, and the time wasted. Most especially, it was for me, coming to the realisation of self.

I looked away, feeling the healing taking place. I glanced back, to ask her about her story and her journey to that point. But she was gone, leaving me nothing but the memories of her voice whispering what I needed to hear. I searched my mind for her face, there was no imprint. All I had left was her words. I was filled with immense sadness, as she could have been the first best encounter of my caring rebirth. I could have cared and receive the acclaimed reward.

Maybe I was part of her caring. As clear as if she were still speaking to me, I had that thought.

But her words were the balm I needed, and the salve that was applied to my soul. And I realised that I might just be ready, to try again.