On a dinner table of December

On the 24th of december, at 11 o'clock in the evening when people are anticipating every tick of the clock to welcome the Christmas, I am seated on the exact table where I was seated when I first met him. 

"Wait here, I'm going to buy something." Carla said before she made her way outside leaving me and the guy in front of me. 

"Austin." He introduced himself. 

"Savannah but call me van for short." I said. 

Our first encounter on this table, in this place, is a memory I can never forget. 

Same age, same birthday, same hospital where we were born. Both grew up in an orphanage and during that time, we're both living alone without anyone to celebrate Christmas with. 

Carla didn't come back that night, she just sent us a text that she is not coming back and that she prepared everything for us to know about each other. She even said that we're so alike. So with that being said, we spend that night trying to prove if she is right. 

He loves reading while I love writing, he loves creating while I love designing, he prefers going out at night and I am a nocturnal person. 

Those made us think that we're destined. The thought of falling in love with someone who you can relate with a lot gave us an idea of falling in love. 

That night is the beginning of my life being so colorful, it is as if everything around me is beautiful. I'll receive a message from him in the morning that will put a smile on my face for the whole day, then a call before the day ends. 

Everyday i fall for him and what's the beautiful part is, he seems to be on the same page as mine. 

He is the 'nothing' whenever people are asking why am I smiling in the middle of doing something that makes everyone exhausted. 

After four months of being friends he told me that loving me isn't enough anymore. I remember being so scared as if the world turned its back on me not until he said he wanted to court me. Loving me isn't enough anymore because he wants me to love him as well. Little did he know, I was in love with him too. I'm so in love that I don't need to be courted but a lot of things matter to me. I wanted our first anniversary to be on the night of Christmas, so I did. I told him that I accepted being his girlfriend at 12 o'clock in the evening. 

Carla, the very person who helped our relationship bloom. She is the person I run into when I want to surprise Austin. 

Austin, I experienced every first time that there is with him. 

But she is also the best friend, His best friend. The first one that comes into his mind when i am busy, the first one that comes into his mind when he needs someone to talk to. She is the comforter, the one he believes that knows him best. I was okay with that, because she came first into his life, he needed her first before he even thought of loving me. 

They said best friends could ruin a relationship but i didn't believe in that because he gave me all the assurance that he is just the best friend and i am the girl friend. 

My phone suddenly rang that cutted my thoughts. I've been reminiscing for an hour now. 

12 o'clock, it's christmas. Our anniversary. I remember how he proposed to me on the same day at this time. 

Four years ago, we had our big fight. I thought that would be the end, but as I went home at 11:50 in the evening I saw him on our dinner table, knees on the floor, tears streaming down his face. A moment of silence covered us not until he opened something on the box, a ring. 

The moment I said yes my phone rang, indicating that it's christmas… 

But now I have no one in front of me. 

3 years ago I married him, I never thought there could be happiness i've never felt. Imagine having your first everything being the one waiting for you on the aisle. I married my first love, the love of my life. 

The first night was everything, the second, the third, the fourth, it was everything I've never dreamt but felt like a wish came true. 

Almost 2 years ago I got pregnant, that doubled my happiness. That is what he has been waiting for and that is what I have been dreaming of giving to him. I was planning on telling him on the day of Christmas, on a dinner table where every big event in our life happens but guess what the baby didn't make it. 

I didn't tell him, just because I don't wanna cause more stress on him. He was struggling at work at that time so i didn't say a word even though I needed him as i am breaking apart. The world seems to collapse in front of me. 

He needs me but I can't be there because before anything else, I needed to be fixed as I felt like an island that subsided. Not telling him anything about it is the sacrifice I had to make because I love him. So much that what I felt didn't matter anymore. Together, we will pull each other down, I will pull him harder because what's with me is a lot heavier. He was struggling and I chose to die on my own. 

I don't know how long he had it hard but ever since those times, i never found the light, i have been here drowning deeper everyday. 

I heard the door open, indicating that someone came. I look at the time, it's 1 o'clock in the morning already. 

Well, she is always the first one that comes into his mind… 

I felt my heart shrunk into pieces when I was able to have a sight of him, the love of my life. 

"Merry Christmas." I said. 

He sat on the chair in front of me and gave me an apologetic look. 

"I'm sorry wife, I forgot the road, I needed to call Carla to guide me." he said before he started putting food on his plate. 

"How can you forget the road when you've been here a lot of times." my eyes saw how it made him stop, his hands shaking in front of me. 

"Right, I am so stressed that I even forget directions now," he said, which made me sigh. 

"I have a gift for you." he shut his eyes close when i said that. 

I open my bag and the first thing that appears on it are papers, my gift for him… 

"Wife, I forgot my gift." 

Now it's my turn to shake. I handed him the papers, his eyes were confused with what i have for him but he read it. 

"Divorce papers…" he muttered. 

"I used to convince myself that this is just a part of marriage, we are supposed to get through it and all the hardship will end but it didn't. It gets a little harder." I said, now trying my very best to not drop any tears and so far, nothing yet has streamed. "It is late for me to realize that what we have right now cannot be fixed by time, not even by my love because your heart beats for someone new. It's no longer mine." I tried to give him a smile, but i didn't make it, i closed my eyes instead.  

"wife…" I looked at him, how far did we drift? I can't even read what his eyes are trying to convey. "What is this?" 

"I heard that you've been trying to open it up with me. You even said that nothing can save us anymore. As much as I want to, I can't be in your life anymore." I took a deep breath before I asked him the question I've been asking myself. "You tried resisting it right? Tell me a lie, you tried right? Tell me you tried saving what we have by resisting her!" 

"Savannah, I won't lie anymore." he said. I didn't know hearing my name from him again would break my heart a million times. "I didn't. I didn't resist it when she came with her hands spread welcoming me who is having a hard time. Savannah, I needed you that time, I needed you so bad but you're out of reach, you are busy with your life. I tried saving my love for you, that's the only thing I did in this marriage but I didn't stop myself from falling for her." 

And with those, tears finally streamed down my face. I wanted him to lie because I know how the truth will hurt. 

"If you're gonna call me by my name, please stop." Because calling my name when I am used to you calling me 'wife' is like saying everything has ended, that you don't love me anymore. 

"But if you don't want to, I won't ask for th-" But i cutted his words. 

"Everyday feels like an endless battle. I wouldn't want to break myself anymore when I am already broken. I deserve to heal and you deserve to love the person your heart beats for." I shed tears in my eyes before I contacted someone. 

(come here, he's waiting for you.)

And i asked him to eat as i tried eating my last dinner and my last christmas with him. 

It was the longest time I had silence with him. No one dares to talk until he had the courage to do so, 

"You're gonna be fine, right?" that felt like a dagger in my heart. He really gave up, there's nothing left to save us. 

"I know how hard it will be, I need to unlove everything that I love about you, I need to get used to not having you by my side again. I survived without you before, I'm sure I can again this time. I've been sleeping without your good morning and your good night, I will get used to everything."

I was supposed to wait for her, to tell her to take care of him. I was supposed to ask her to always be by his side but it felt suffocating. My heart shrunk over and over , I can't take it anymore. 

I was about to leave when I heard the door open and there was her. 

"Carla…" He said. Why did I notice it just now, the way he calls her name is the way he calls mine when he was still so in love with me. "She knew everything." Her eyes were shaking when she looked at mine. 

Two words, I only need two words carla. 

"I'm sorry van. I'm so sorry." She said before she knelt. Tears started streaming from her eyes, something I didn't see on austin. 

I fight myself from helping her up. Just this once, I want to see her like this. I wanted to see her hurting but he helped her up. 

Why is it always me that is hurting? 

"Carla, thank you. Thank you for letting us meet each other, giving me the best moment in my life. You should have told me that it is not forever, you should have told me that it's bound to end because right now, I don't know how to explain it but it hurts so bad and it's killing me." 

I was his girlfriend before I became his wife when she was his best friend. It made some sense, I was only a girl but she is the best all this while.

I made my way to the door but before I opened it, I took a look at the table where everything started… 

On the same table, it ended. 

My eyes landed on him again. 

"For all my shortcomings, I'm sorry austin. But I want you to know that during those times that you had it hard is when I loved you the most. I loved you so much that I needed to suffer alone. I'm sorry but that's the best I can do - to not involve you in the pain we should have overcome together. While you are looking for comfort anywhere, I am alone in the house keeping myself sane, dying of pain." 

One last drop of tears, I opened the door and left where it started and where it ended. 

"Love, I won't leave. Trust me. You just have to stay and I'll stay with you." he said at the dinner table. 

He did as he said, he stayed but not when I left, he let me go that easy… 

Guess all those times, I am the only one who holds on in that relationship. 

He is Austin and I am Savannah. We're on a different book that shares some chapters together on the 24th of december, on a dinner table.