The Best Fire Eater In The World

“Do you think I’m a good fire eater?”

“Of course I do.”

“Do you think I’m the best one?”

“I think you’re as good as the best one.”

“But you don’t think I’m the best one?”

“What do you mean, the best?”

“Like, am I the best fire eater you’ve ever seen?”

“I mean, you eat fire like all fire eaters do? Is there a way to eat it better than another?”

“Yeah, I mean, there’s the style of my whole act, what I do before I eat it, my flourishes, my movement, and then the eventual fire eating. Does that all add up to me being the best fire eater you’ve ever seen?”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“Why is this so difficult for you to answer?!”

“Don’t get mad at me! We were just sitting here one minute, enjoying our coffee and the next thing I know you’re berating me for not thinking you eat fire well enough.”

“Well, do I?”

“Do you what?”

“Do I eat fire ‘well enough’, as you put it?” To make matters more annoying, Mark made those annoying quotation marks when he said “well enough.”

“Yes, you do.”

“But I’m not the best.”

“You’re as good as the best.”

“But I don’t exceed the best.”

“You and the best are one in the same.”

“So, I’m tied with the best.”

“I don’t even know who the best IS!” Laurie nearly shouted. A few people in the coffee shop turned their way and that made her nervous.

“Great. Thanks a lot.”

“What?”

“You don’t know who the best fire eater is???”

“No, I don’t know all the fire eaters in the world. I only know you.”

“And you laid it out pretty clear, I’m obviously not the best one because you don’t even know who the best one is, and you know me so it’s obviously not me then.”

“Oh my god. You’re crazy.”

“Am I? I’m just going on what you’re saying.”

“Where is this coming from? Why right now do you need to be the best fire-eater that ever lived or ever was?”

“Funny you should phrase it like that. I never said I had to be the best fire eater that ever lived or ever was. I simply asked you, my girlfriend, who I respect and want to love me for who I am, if I’m the best fire eater she knows. And SHE doesn’t even know who the best one is.”

Laurie was annoyed. Lately, Mark’s insecurity around his fire-eating was growing in intensity. He had been trying to find new ways to eat fire and asking Laurie if they were better than the old ways he ate fire. To her, it seemed like the eating part was always the same. A stick of fire would go down his throat slowly and then he’d extinguish it. Was there a better way to do it? If there was, she hadn’t seen it and that was apparently the worst mistake she ever made.

It didn’t help that Mark billed himself as “The Amazing Mark! The best fire-eater this side of the Hudson River!”

It did always make her wonder if there was a better fire-eater on the other side of the Hudson river. And did that fire-eater bill themselves as the best fire-eater on that side of the Hudson river? And what happens if one of these two fire eaters crosses the Hudson river to the other side? “We live on a globe,” thought Laurie. Sides aren’t really a thing. Sure, there’s North, South, East, and West but one side seems just as arbitrary as the other side.

One of the problems with this relationship, which was doomed from the get-go, was that Laurie was much smarter than Mark. They met while she was in grad school at Vassar for biology, which was the only grad school Vassar offered. Mark was a street performer in Poughkeepsie and would gather crowds around him to watch him eat … fire.

She found herself mesmerized one afternoon watching him. He was funny. He had a good routine and he was charming with the crowd, kids in particular, which she found attractive.

She hated when people older than twenty-one weren’t good with kids. To her, it showed they were in the process of losing their inner child. Mark would bring kids into the circle with him and have them be his assistants. He made them laugh, he made the adults laugh.

If she were to answer his badgering truthfully, she might have said, “You’re actually funnier than you are a fire-eater. And you’re good with people. You might make a good social worker.” But he wouldn’t want to hear that.

He saw himself as a bohemian street performer. And he was able to pay for his studio apartment that didn’t have a bathroom with the money he made from his street performances. That also impressed her.

She wasn’t sure what she was going to do with her biology degree. She wasn’t even sure if she was interested in biology. She had gone to Vassar for her undergraduate degree and didn’t want to leave and biology was the only graduate degree the college offered so she applied, got in, and now she was a biology graduate student and she hated it, but she liked Poughkeepsie and not having to make a decision about the next stage of her life.

Something about him being a self-made man was attractive, albeit one always one day away from complete bankruptcy. This new insecurity, however, wasn’t going to work. She wasn’t the one to convince this fire-eater he was the best fire-eater in the world.

“Look, I’ve seen fire eaters in circuses but I haven’t traveled around the world and seen every fire-eater there is so how do I know if you’re the best?”

“Why can’t you just say I am? Is it that hard? I’m obviously fishing for compliments. I’m obviously having a moment of insecurity-”

“A moment?”

“What does that mean?”

“You’ve been asking me if I think you’re a good fire eater in a million different ways for weeks now.”

“What’re you talking about?”

Before Laurie could answer, a woman interrupted them. “I’m so sorry, but are you a fire eater street performer by chance?”

“Yes, I am,” Mark said, happy to be recognized.

“You were great. I was with my son yesterday and he loved you. We thought you were really entertaining. Some of the best fire-eating I’ve ever seen.”

“Is that so.” And Mark looked at Laurie, who rolled her eyes.

“Just wanted to say you were great,” and she affectionately put her hand on Mark’s shoulder as she walked past him. Mark grabbed her hand and said, “You said ‘some of the best’ fire-eating you’ve ever seen?”

“Oh my god,” Laurie said under her breath and covered her face with her hands.

“Yes, absolutely, you were great,” and she turned to go again but Mark held onto her hand.

“Is there another fire-eater you saw that rivals me? To make up this ‘some’ group I’m a part of?”

The woman yanked her hand out of his and clutched her bag. “I don’t know, you were really good, that’s all I wanted to say. I’m sorry, I have to go, I’m late for anything.”

“Anything?!” Mark shouted after her as she walked out the door. More heads turned towards them.

“I can’t believe you did that to that woman. That was practically assault. You can’t grab people.”

“I didn’t grab her.”

“Yes, you did. You grabbed her hand. You scared her. You scared me even.”

“Come on.”

“Seriously. And she was a fan! You just turned a fan off. She’s never going to look at you or probably any fire-eater the same way.”

“Good. I hope she never sees another fire-eater ever again so I stay in her mind as one of the best,” he said defensively, “but who are these others,” he said to himself as he looked into the distance.

“Can we go?” Laurie asked.

“You didn’t finish telling me how I’ve been asking you if you think I’m a good fire eater in a million different ways for weeks now apparently, which I am unaware of. So. Please. Tell me how I’ve been asking you for weeks if I’m a good fire-eater.”

“OK. Well, last week you presented me with this strange scenario: if an amateur fire-eater were to see you performing, would they look up to you and want you as their mentor?”

“And how is that weird or me asking if you if I’m a good fire-eater?”

This was the precise moment Laurie realized she was too smart for Mark and this wasn’t going to work but she didn’t want to have a break up conversation in this coffee shop. In fact, she didn’t want to have a break up conversation with him ever. She now saw him as too stupid to warrant a legitimate break-up conversation. She wanted him to go down someone’s throat like the very fire he ate soooo well and be extinguished. Not dead. Just extinguished down someone’s throat and then maybe out their butt and into a toilet and then reformed in a sewer to live forever as some kind of sewer rat person. That seemed appropriate.

“You’re right, it’s not weird at all. Maybe I’m not the right person to ask these things then.” And with that, Laurie started to clean up her area to get out of there asap.

“You said a million ways. That was one way. Granted, not even a way I agree with you on or clearly showing me fishing for compliments from you, but if you’re going to say a million ways then I demand at least two.”

Laurie was half out of her seat at this point but sat down, deflated. She put her face in her hands and then stretched her face skin and hair back, clearly losing her mind.

“Fine, Mark. If you need another example, and this will be my last-”

“I don’t need more than two anyway.’

“You also asked me-”

“And when was this, just for the record?”

Again, she pulled her face back before saying, “I think this was last month?”

“Ok, continue.”

“Oh, right, now I remember clearly. We were actually watching that documentary about street performers and you definitively said, ‘I’m better than that guy, right?’ when they showed a fire-eater.”

“Ohhhh yes. I remember this as well. And do you remember what you said?”

“I don’t,” Laurie said, like someone who doesn’t care if they live or die.

“You said, ‘Yes.’”

Laurie opened her hands in a way that said “Then what the fuck are we talking about.”

And then said out loud, “So what the fuck are we talking about?”

“You said yes, but that was a time when you could have said, ‘No, you’re a much better fire-eater than he is. Why is it so hard for you to tell me I’m the best fire-eater? Are you like this with everyone?”

“Oh my god. I’m done here. Goodbye.” And with that, Laurie pushed her chair back, rose up from the table, and left her coffee cup and muffin plate on the table for him to clean up.

“You’re the best botanist I know! See how easy that was for me to say?!” he shouted at her as she pushed open the door of the coffee shop.

“Biologist, you fucking idiot!”

By now, everyone in the coffee shop was looking to and from the door of the shop and Mark, who was used to eyes on him and liked it, even if it was negative attention. “Biologist,” he thought to himself. “What the hell do they do?”