After

The universe is infinite, or at least that’s what we’re all taught. I guess they were wrong, because here I am standing right at the edge of it. Or floating, may be a more appropriate word to use. 

CHOOSE.

Bright neon green lights blaze above the two doors. I’m not quite sure how I ended up here. When I try to think about the past, a searing pain stabs through my head. Something or someone definitely doesn’t want me to know what it is.

CHOOSE. 

The lights seem to shine more insistently, almost as if it’s urging me to make a decision already. 

Both are unassuming wooden doors, the only difference being the symbols carved onto the surface of it. The first door has a symbol of two inverted horns with a dot in the center, while the second door beheld an elegant phoenix engulfed in its own flames.

It is beautiful where I stand, surrounded by millions of mesmerizing stars. But beyond the doors is oblivion, almost as if there’s an invisible line separating the doors from the rest of the universe. I can’t imagine either results being good, so I decide not to choose and go back to wherever I came form. 

I turn around to leave. I’m not sure where to go, but anywhere seems like a better choice than those ominous doors. I expect myself to float, but I am surprised that I can walk, albeit without the clumsiness of gravity obstructing me. The grace of a ballerina blesses me as I glide across. 

My memory of the past is vague, but I’m pretty sure humans can’t walk in space. What is this place then? Those are not stars, a small voice whispered to me. Then it hit me. I’m not sure how I know it. But those aren’t stars and I’m not standing at the edge of the universe. This is beyond just the minuscule universe I was familiar with. 

A thunderous explosion sounds in front of me, and a blinding strike of light leaves me dazed. As my eyes adjust again, I find myself facing the two doors again. A sinking feeling pools up inside me. There’s no avoiding those doors I guess.

CHOOSE. 

The sign has transitioned from its bright neon green to a menacing red color. It’s becoming daringly apparent that I don’t really have a choice in the matter. I may have just made things direr for myself by ignoring the doors for as long as I have. 

I’m dead. It seems like the most obvious answer. If that is true, then those doors probably lead to hell or heaven, if they were right I mean, and the only clues I have are these unknown symbols carved onto the doors. 

I take a closer look at the symbols on the doors. The two inverted horns on the first door are joined together at the top, forming something that looks like the lower case “n” with a dot in the center. Almost like a lower case “n” with an “o” in the center. I don’t know what the symbol means, but if I have to decipher it, I’d like to think that it’s trying to warn me against opening it. N.O.

That leaves the phoenix engulfed within its own flames. A phoenix. It rebirths itself from its own ashes. So rebirth? Is that what the door is? I don’t know if I want to be reborn, if that even is what the symbol implies. I can’t remember my past, what if it’s not what I expect?

Although my alternate would be the inverted horns and while I can’t clearly discern it’s meaning, my gut strongly disapproves of it. 

So the phoenix door it is. 

I brace myself for the consequences as the door glows brightly with a blue hue, while the first door disintegrates into dust. A powerful vacuum of force sucks me in through the door like a wormhole and drops me onto an eerie endless hallway. 

There are movements in each of the windows and I run towards it in excitement. People! There are people outside those windows!

As I approach, I notice that they’re not in fact windows, but more like portals, and they each have one thing in common. 

Me. 

My heart starts palpitating as I run from portal to portal; glancing at glimpses of what I believe to be is my life. But they are strange. All of them seem disconnected, like snippets from completely different movies. I try to patch a story from the scenes I can see, but they make very little sense. 

There I am! Hair slicked back into a ponytail, wearing a smart pantsuit and holding a laptop in my hands. And there I am again, with nasty bruises decorating my face. I find another window, and I’m old in it, on a bed surrounded by people. Another window, and I see a baby. Its dead. I look away. 

What’s going on? None of this makes sense. I should’ve picked the other. I should have I should have Ishouldhave Ishouldhave IshouldhaveIshouldhaveIshouldhave!

My head spins out of control and I collapse between a scene of myself graduating from university and one of me staring into my cabinet at the last sleeping pill left in my bottle. 

My surroundings start fragmenting like a broken mirror and I watch in fascination as massive chunks of the hallway starts floating away like jigsaw puzzles, leaving nothing but an obsidian void behind. 

The entire room transitions like the slides of a PowerPoint presentation, until I’m left alone in the nothingness.

There’s no longer a solid floor beneath me. I neither float nor stand. I simply exist. 

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I do not know how much time passes. Has it just been a few minutes? A few years? Or an eternity? I’m not sure, but I feel myself becoming lighter. 

I lift a translucent hand to my face to observe the progress. My fingertips have almost completely dissolved into my surrounds. I am becoming part of the nothingness. I remember the emotions that initially flooded me. Fear. Dread. Regret. I feel none of those anymore.

Yes, time has indeed passed, but it no longer worries me. My own hand dealt this for me. It does not matter anymore. Though I do wonder where that other door would’ve led me. 

Another version of this hell? Yes, hell. That’s what I decided to call it. Or would it have been paradise? I guess I’ll never know, because I’ve already chosen my fate. 

And there’s no one to blame but myself.