Rare Quietus

IV - I – MMXX

I guess today is as good a day as any to start. Perhaps even better a day than another. It feels that I should write now. For in the last two weeks I have lost eight of my friends in this isolation state the world is in now. 

So, as a formal introduction:

Dear blank and ruled journal, given to me by my family 20 some odd years ago in hopes I might share some present moments and fading memories of my 94-year life, I bid you hello. You have been patiently waiting in the table drawer beside my chair for 2 decades. Waiting for me to be ready to put pen to paper. 

I’m not sure how to do this. This is a first for me. A first at 94 years old seems like it should feel quite rejuvenating but alas it does not. Not knowing how to do this and if there are any hard & fast rules, I guess I will do it in my own way. It seems that is how I have lived my life up to now, why change things in what might be the final bow.

Dear Family (As I figure you must be reading this by now):

I’m scared. Not something I would normally articulate out loud. Perhaps there is something to writing things down. But I am scared. So many, so fast! This is my second family here and my home. Now that I have been in this senior’s ‘commune’ for ten years now. I love them all dearly. The residents and the staff are my friends. So, to look out the window and see my friends being lovingly removed one by one, covered on a stretcher in such numbers is terrifying. It’s a roulette game here. Every precaution is being taken but no-one knows when this rare quietus will knock on our door. 

That is all I can write today. I do like writing so I shall come back tomorrow at the same time and write more. But for today, I am sad and don’t want to write anymore.

IV - II – MMXX

I came back. I don’t feel sad at the moment so thought it would be a good time to write. I know you gave me this journal so you could understand my thoughts and some of my memories when I am gone. I know I read over my mother’s journals when she departed. And if truth be told I read over some of your mother’s journals as well when she left us. But the men in the family were never encouraged to write or share our feelings. I only saw my father cry twice in his lifetime. So, this is for you, my dearest ones. I guess it is a bit for me too. It feels good to share the deepest part of myself with you. 

I really don’t know where to start. I know I have told you so many stories. Where your mother and I met, some of my trips and research expeditions, some of our adventures together as a family. 

Perhaps, I will tell you some of my proudest moments. Pride has always been such a loving and profound feeling for me. Whether it is for you all or for something that I have accomplished, I am proud of many things.

• I am proud of the research that I have been a part of over the years. It feels good to have contributed to the evolution of my field of study and perhaps to have moved things along a notch for future generations. And even to have been able to name a few new species of my own. Perchance, I have somehow in some small way played a role in the future of this beautiful circle we live on in a positive and helpful way.
• I am proud of my teaching career. To be able to have taught so many brilliant minds at the highest level of academia has been an honour. And, hopefully, to have inspired many young minds at the beginning of their academic lives.
• And, I am proud of all of my family. Your mother and I could not be prouder of who you all are and what you have become. Of your contributions to the world and the kindness you offer you fellow planetary beings. 

Hmmmm, it feels good to reflect on those. That fills me up for the day. I will try and write again tomorrow.  

IV - III – MMXX

I’m not feeling well this morning. Not sure how much or for how long I can write today. Isolation is long and lonely. Keeping oneself busy at 94 can be a challenge. I know I have lived a fulfilled life and I hope you all will share that trait. I hope you always see life as exciting and adventurous. Always be curious about what is around you. If I were to think of two questions to ask myself right now, they would be:

Other than your family, what excited you most about your life? AND 

What do you feel your legacy will be?

Perhaps the first question only for today. 

Life has always been exciting for me. I see it from the perspective of curiosity and adventure. But for a 94 yr old to ask himself what excited them most. That takes some thinking. So, with a pensive pose I shall take a moment. Imagine me with my arms crossed, one hand raised to my face taping the side of my jaw with one finger. In hopes I can tap an answer out of my well-used and tired mind. 

Ah, there it is. I did manage to tap an answer free from this old noggin’. Questions! That is what excites me most. Curiosity is about asking questions. Asking people questions to learn more about them and their lives, asking nature questions to learn how it all works, and questions I would ask as a teacher to my students to help them learn and grow to be the best they can be. 

Life isn’t always about the answers, it's about the questions. Ask good questions and the right answers will naturally follow. 

First question answered and my lunch has arrived. Until tomorrow, dear family! I love you all!

IV - IV – MMXX

Today, I have asked my wonderful nurse to type for me and she has so graciously agreed. It means so much when someone takes that bit of time to spend with us. When we fully know they have so much else to do. Especially now when we know our families cannot be here with us. I am tired today and have decided to stay in bed. Sitting, propped up on my pillows, I ask my friend to describe what the day is like and what she sees outside. She tells me it is a beautiful spring day with robins and blue jays flitting about. Squirrels chasing each other up and down the trees that all seem to have burst into bud now with the warmer weather finally here. I am picturing it all in my mind as she shares her vision with me.

I tell her that today I must answer my second question. What will my legacy be? That is a tough one. Or that fact of whittling it down to one thing. I have had so many projects, adventures, connections and accomplishments in 94 yrs. How do I sum that all up into a legacy? To me it is not what I did but how I did it. How did I live my life? My daughter told me not too long ago that someone told her that I was ‘gracious’ in my actions. I had been kind to them in a time of loneliness and that had meant the world to them. It meant the world to me that my daughter shared that. So, my legacy? How I lived my life. How I acted during my research, my teaching, in my role as a father, husband, son or grandfather. How I conducted myself in my connection to others. Always be kind, be thoughtful and always be Gracious! That is my legacy.

And so, adieu for today as I drift off to sleep for a morning nap! Until tomorrow sweet family.

 I love you all!

IV - V – MMXX

Today, again my nurse types for me. I am not well at all and in this moment of lucidness she has agreed to ‘take a message’. I have given her license to make this legible as my speech now is not the clearest. Lying in bed has offered me more time to think when my mind is strong. 

I often wondered, in my parents later years, if they had any regrets. So, do I have any? I would be happy to say none. Not one, but alas that is not true. 

Travel - I wish I could have seen more of the world. So much to see that books and photos just don’t do justice to. Not the same as seeing and experiencing it. I did travel to some very amazing and wonderful places. But if I were granted more trips around the sun in good health I would definitely travel more.

Family - Not so much a regret but a hope. I hope I was a good father and grandfather to you all. I might never know. I think I did well in that department. You were always foremost in my mind and heart. 

Journal Writing - It seems over the last few days since I have finally picked up this journal that I have been able to share with you all some of my deepest thoughts and feelings. I am glad you gave me this method of sharing and I am glad that I finally did put pen to paper. 

If I am able to dictate again tomorrow and my lovely scribe is available and willing then I will share more. 

Stay safe and well sweet angels.

Keep each other close.

Always share your lives with each other. Even if it is only in your journals. I missed many years writing in one and am so grateful for this one.

Fill the rest of these pages with your love.

Until tomorrow. I love you all!

IV - VI – MMXX