Filled Silence

My name is Alisha. Right now I am in a very healthy relationship. My boyfriend's name is Marco. We are in a long-distance relationship, but we see each other all the time.

His long, brown hair is so course. Usually people like soft hair, but the way his feels in my hands, intertwining between my fingers, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Everyone thinks he is so disrespectful and rude, but I have seen the reasons he behaves this way and I have seen him when he loosens up and is calm. I am going to his house this weekend to stay. I will come home again on Monday, but I can always go back later. He has told me he loves me, but I am too afraid to say it yet. We only have been together for nearly one month. I know I seem a bit obsessed but that's because I am. I always do this. It is so much better than cheating because my feelings were not strong enough. Yes, if he hurts me I will be more devastated than if I weren't obsessed, I just think it's worth it. Anyway, if we do end, I will still have a good reputation. Others' people's opinions matter far too much to me.

Sometimes I look at Marco and think, man it is going to hurt badly when you leave. He told me already that he does not want to think about marriage and that we are most likely going to be temporary, but maybe he will fall so deeply in love with me that our "temporary" will last a while. I think he has a good point. He's young, wants to feel free, and shouldn't have to focus on the future too much. It's all about living in the present and we can do that together.

I have so many plans for Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years coming up. Also, his birthday is very soon after New Years and that is so exciting. I just want to make him happy. He's so loyal.

Speaking of loyalty, he did tell me that he used to be a hoe. Of course, I brought it up. He had his phase. It's okay. He is different now. I trust him. He's grown so much from what I know of him now and what he has told me about himself in the past.

My close friend that used to have a thing with me texted me today. Marco saw it and could sense the affection and longing in his texts. He blocked my friend on my phone. I feel so terrible because I know I am hurting my friend, but I have hurt my friend so much before maybe it'll be a favor for this to be the last time I hurt him. Marco means well, he just wants to protect me and make sure this friend does not flirt around with me like he did today. I think it's because he is afraid of losing me to my friend. He wants to keep me, yay.

He is always asking me about my comfort. He just seems to always want to make me happy. I do like him a lot. Maybe I will tell him how strong my feelings are soon.

Okay so, I am an idiot. I asked him to do an interactive reading with me. What was I thinking? He is never going to let that go. Well, everything I choose to do he doesn't want to. I just wish we did things other than make out all the time. The center of our relationship cannot be lust.

Oh, I remember something. I had never really had my first kiss before him. When we did kiss, I sucked at it. Marco said, "It's okay. Yes, it's bad now, but I will teach you." It made me feel so comforted to know that he is willing to help me improve. I hope we get to grow together and can look back on who we were with proud smiles on our faces of how far we have come.

It is finally the weekend! I cannot wait to see him. It's also our one month anniversary, so I have chosen to wear a dress. I never wear dresses so technically I could be considered "fake" but whatever, I am not going to disappoint him.

When I got there, he was wrestling with his friend. Marco is such a competitive person. I love that about him. He's also honest even when honesty hurts. He does comfort me after I get upset about some of the things he says, so it helps me know the truth and find ways to improve.

When you choose to be in a relationship, you become a puzzle piece. Your partner is also a puzzle piece. Both of you have to work together to finish molding yourselves to fit perfectly. That is why compatibility is important in relationships.

Today Marco watched a Spider-Man movie with me at his place. He told me that I should give him time to play his video game for a bit at 8:30. I get it, he wants personal time. That's okay. We had a great day. His grandmother made this delicious chicken also. I decided just to leave and go to the store while he played. Not because I didn't want to watch him, but because I want him to be able to play like he does when I am not there. Alone.

At the store, I bought him some flowers. They were very small, but it's all I can afford right now. When I returned to his place, he didn't give much attention to my kind act. Oh well, he interprets things differently than I, so he will react differently. I thought he was never going to be happy with the flowers until he thanked me before I went to sleep.

We don't sleep together since it's so soon into the relationship. I was on my way to the couch when he called out, "I love you." To my surprise, I said it back. I am still very afraid. Everything can end in an instant at any time. Why am I so stupid to give in? Why couldn't I just have said, "Oh thanks, sleep well," or something?

The next morning we talked about my fear. I love how I can be so open and he understands it and takes no offense to anything I say. Is he even human? Okay, he is known to be a bit blunt, but that's his only fault. Oh, and he doesn't want kids. I would love kids, but if he can be a kid with me when we're older, then that's more than I could ever ask for.

I feel like I am very good at picking people to associate with. Like, I get to know so many people and choose the very best ones out of them. It's insane how much power everyone really has over their life. Kind of like writing a book, I could "kill off" any and every character in my story faster than my heart could beat once. The only sad part about that is everyone else could do that to me, too.

It's been two days. Marco played his games, we made out a lot, watched another movie, YouTube, and so much more. I also asked him to go to this cool ice cream shoppe with me downtown from his place. He said yes! It's time for me to go home. I feel like we had such a great time. To be sure, I ask him how much fun he had. "I had a wonderful time," he replied. All I did was smile in response.

All good things must come to an end, though. Right before I walked out the door, Marco got in a big argument with his brother. I just watched them back and forth, silent. I was afraid that if I said anything I would just make it worse. His brother had to drive me home, even though Marco wanted to. I just rode silently in the car.

When I walked inside I went to my room and just kept to myself. I hope things are okay with him and his brother soon. I get to see him tomorrow on the bus, so that's good. He should be okay. Yes, it will be hard but I do love him and I hope with all my heart that he means it when he says he loves me too.

It is Wednesday now and I am so excited for my church friends to meet him. They have been waiting for a while. In the car, he doesn't sit across from me. I let him do this because he just wants personal space. That's okay. I am not the girlfriend to take everyone away from him. I encourage freedom in this relationship. He needs to live and be happy with his friends as well as me.

After I annoyed him so much about the church, I feel terrible. When we get him home, he doesn't even smile as he waves bye. Immediately the tears fall. I messed up. I don't know what I did wrong, but I messed up somehow. I have to fix this. I'll fix it the next time I see him.

So I just walked in my door and set all my belongings down. I have a text. From Marco. He's breaking up with me. He said he never wants to talk to me again. He cannot handle my mood swings when he can barely handle himself. Gosh, I am such a stupid person. I hate myself. The worst part is that we cannot celebrate those holidays together or go to the ice cream shoppe as we'd planned.

*two months later*

He hasn't texted or called me. I see him every day now. He's enrolled in my college. Two months ago we were so happy about this, and now he's having the time of his life while I suffer nightly. I guess I had so much hope that I read him all wrong. It's okay though, my friend Tony is helping me through this.

Tony is very short and has side-flipped, blond hair. He has been my friend ever since my freshman year of college. I only am a sophomore now but I trust Tony. The most fun we have had is when we were running away from the owners of the house we attended a frat party at. He was so drunk and could barely walk. I miss those days.

Now, all we do is assignments and go to work every day for gas money. It's funny how fast time can change. One moment everything could be as perfect as the world could offer, then the next it could all crash and fall and you wake up beside someone you can't even recall the name of. People say, "that's the fun of life," but I do not see how that could ever be considered "fun." Maybe they claim that so they don't pity themselves as much and they can feel better about it by lying to themselves so much that they believe it. Like I did with Marco. "Oh, he loves me. He will never leave. Even if he does, it'll be on good terms." But no. Life doesn't work that way.

On the way to the library today I got a coffee. I'm going to need the extra energy. This is the one day of the week that I have the most classes, Tuesday. Gosh, I hate this so much. Good thing Tony agreed to meet me at the library. He's the only excuse I can use for my five-minute breaks between the hours I know I'll be there. And he can make sure I stay awake.

When Tony gets here, he flips his hair just like when he's trying to flirt. What is going on? He's probably been hurt and I should listen in my first five-minute break. "Hey," I quietly said. His only response was a sigh. "I would ask what's wrong but you have to wait for my first break. I will not walk in half these classes empty-handed tomorrow," I stated. "Mhm," he hummed. I wonder what happened because he has never been like this before.

Finally, after an hour and a half, my alarm on my phone goes off alerting me that I can take a break. "Oh thank God, I thought I was never going to hear that alarm go off again," I giggled. Tony smiled and whispered, "Come here." Well, this is very strange but if it helps him then I'll do it. I trust him.

He leads me outside where I see a band poster. "What about it," I ask, disappointed. He knows I have no time to go anywhere. "No, not the poster," he said, still whispering. He pushed my body against the wall and started trying to kiss me. I punched him in the stomach but his abs flexed and he didn't move. Next, he tries to take my shirt off. "Stop," I say lightly. Why is he being so stupid? "Stop!" I speak up. "Why," he begged. "Listen, Tony, I do not like you this way and I only have," I begin, then check my watch to make sure I get the time right, "two minutes left before I have to go back inside and get on my work." "Why get on your work when you can get on me?" he asked straightforwardly. Ew! Did he really just say that? That is the worst pickup line I have ever heard.

I stomped my foot on his toe and stormed away. The last thing I heard before abruptly stopping in front of a car is Tony yell, "It could even help you get over that damn Marco guy who hurt you so much!" When I stopped I wasn't thinking about anything except beating Tony to the ground. Guys are such dumbasses. What is he thinking? Is he even thinking at all? Ugh. I don't have time to do anything, my alarm is already telling me that I need to get back to work.

*later that night*

It's midnight now. I can't stop thinking about what an idiot I am. How could I meet such wonderful people and only bring out the worst in them? I always think about the type of person I want to meet and then convince myself that the people I do meet will be like who I wish. I always repeat, "it's okay" and "I trust him/her" and "they might change their mind" just to comfort myself. I guess I am too much of a perfectionist. This trait is screwing up my life. It's not that I can't trust anyone anymore, but I can't trust myself. I've always thought my judgment was so accurate because I judge people all the time about everything. I am a very critical person. But I am wrong, my judgment comes from the falseness I convince myself of daily. That's why I'm always hurting. Hopefully that can change, but I highly doubt it.