Emails To God

EMAILS TO GOD

By Joan Kydd

Email #1

FROM: Cody

TO: God Almighty

SUBJECT: A Question

Hey God Almighty-

Hi! It’s me.Cody. What I want to know is if you’re any better than Santa Claus. Mom says you see everything, and know everything. Just like Santa. Like the song says - he knows when I’m sleeping and when I’m awake, and if I’ve been naughty or nice and good or bad. I’m not sure what the difference is between naughty and bad…or nice and good. But I guess Santa does. Anyway, I have to be real careful not to cry or pout because those are either bad or naughty things. And I’m only seven and a half so that’s not easy to do all the time. But I think so far this year I only screwed up bad two times. Once when my dumb little sister Jessica broke my favorite transformer toy and I cried and kicked her and pulled her hair and Mom yelled at me and said it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t left the transformer on the living room floor but had put it away in my room like I’m supposed to before I went to play at my friend’s house and pointed out that I have a sign on my bedroom door that says KEEP OUT – EXPESHALLY JESSICA!! And so I got punished and pouted a whole lot. I wanted to kick Jessica again but I didn’t ‘cause I’m really trying to be good and nice and not screw up. But it wasn’t fair that I got punished because it was all her fault and she was the one who should be punished because she was the one who broke the transformer – not me. But all they told her to do was say she was sorry because she’s their little darling. Like saying sorry was going to fix my transformer!

I also cried and pouted a lot and kicked the table when mom wouldn’t let me have any ice cream for dessert when I wouldn’t eat my Brussels sprouts because they’re really yukky.

But I think only two times so far this year is really good for a kid my age and I’m trying a lot not to screw up any more even though it’s really hard when you have a dumb sister like Jessica who is so annoying and whiny and bratty all the time and you have to eat yukky food to get anything that tastes yummy.

Anyway, I asked Santa to give me a real live pony for Christmas, and all I got was a stupid wooden rocking horse. So I want to know if you’re better than him, and can you get me a real pony.

Mom says I’m picky and I shouldn’t be picky ‘cause I have a lot more than a lot of other kids and I need to think about how lucky I am. That’s why I should have eaten the yukky Brussels sprouts. Because other poor kids would be happy to eat them ‘cause maybe they have nothing to eat .or only something even worse than Brussels sprouts that I never heard of. So I don’t mean to be picky but if you can, I’d like a tan colored pony with a white tail and mane and a white star on his forehead.

By the way - I live at 1135 Riverside Drive., apartment 7B in New York City. I guess you already knew that if you’re as smart as mom says you are, but you probably have a big list of kids like me, so I thought it would be a good deed if I reminded you so you didn’t have to waste your precious time looking it up somewhere on Google like mom sometimes has to do because it makes her crazy when she can’t remember something like the name of a movie she watched last year or a restaurant she went to. Also, the apartment building has a doorman but I think if you have one of your angels bring the pony – one with a lot of those lights coming out from all over her like fireworks - the doorman (who is really picky about taking packages up to the apartments even though people pay him money to do it) will be so amazed that he’ll deliver it to our apartment without complaining.

Your friend,

Cody

Email #2

FROM: Jessica

SUBJECT: My brother Cody

TO: Mr. God in Heaven

Dear Mr. God,

My name is Jessica. I am six years old and I know my brother Cody emailed you ‘cause I heard my mommy tell my daddy he did so I think I should too in case he said something mean about me that isn’t true because I always try to be a very nice, good girl. Anyway, I just want you to know that Cody is a sneaky liar and don’t believe anything he says. He’s nasty and bad…and mean like I said. I don’t know why he wrote to you but I bet he didn’t tell you how the other day he cut all the hair off my favorite Barbie doll even though I told him I was sorry for breaking his transformer. I didn’t do it on purpose. I was just trying to see how it worked. But he cut the hair off my Barbie on purpose so that’s different…and mean! And all mommy and daddy did to punish him was to take a half an hour away from his video game time which really isn’t much of a big deal punishment at all even though he made a whole fuss about it because that’s how he is. Then mommy and daddy just rolled their eyes and mommy said something about why did they have children and told me to stop being such a fussbudget and that I had plenty of other Barbie dolls and some kids didn’t have any so I should be grateful and my Barbie was still pretty even though she’s almost bald and then daddy made a joke about how maybe I could call her Key- mo- therapy Barbie. I don’t know what that is but because of the way they both laughed, I don’t think it’s a good thing to be. Not like Interior Decorator Barbie or Mermaid Barbie. And then they sent us to our rooms and told us not to come out until we could make up and be nice to each other because we were making them crazy with all our nonsense.

And another thing I want you to know is that Cody thinks he should get everything he always wants even if I want it too because he’s older even though only by a year and a half. He thinks he’s the boss of everything. And he’s really selfish! Like the only part of the chicken he’ll eat when mom makes roast chicken are the wings so he always gets them and I have never ever gotten to eat a wing in my whole entire life and that’s really not fair! If he was a nice brother he’d give me one of the wings. But he won’t share them. He never, ever shares anything with me!

So all I’m asking for is two little things because I’m not like Cody, and I don’t think I should have everything and I always try to share. The first is that if you can do miracles like the grownups say you can could you please make all stupid Cody’s hair fall out so he knows how my Barbie doll feels. And the other is could you please send me some chicken wings and put a note in the box that they’re only for me and stupid, bad Cody can’t have any of them. Thank you for your help.

XXOO,

Jessica