A Journey through time

April 9th 2020

Dear Diary, long time no hear. It's been quit some time since I've sat down and opened myself to you. First let me apologize for allowing my some what busy life take control over the one friendship that has always remained faithful to me. Where shall i begin? Well Diary last night i had dream. I've had similar dreams like this before but, this dream was a little different. In this dream i felt every emotion deep inside of my heart. It's kind of hard to explain. See i felt hurt and pain yet at the same time i felt happiness and joy. I know i must sound crazy but it's true. Losing someone you love is very difficult when your unable to see them again. The untimely death of my mother sent me to a dark lonely place for quit some time now. And last night's dream brought back so many memories. I started reminiscing through the many years we shared together and tears began to fall down my face. I remember like it was yesterday it was a rainy day and my mother got me all dressed up in a nice short sleeve yellow shirt with a pair of yellow bell bottom slacks and brown shoes. She put my coat on and said she was taking me to go take pictures. I was every bit of four years old but i remember this day so clearly i can feel it in my soul. We were walking to the supermarket across the street and it was raining. She was holding my small hand in her's making me feel safe and secure. I remember talking to her something i always did some times to much (giggling). And i remember approaching a big rain puddle. I wanted to splash that puddle with my small feet because i was happy but when i tried i remember her saying "you bet not splash that water!" as she interrupted my jump by swinging me forward. I was so angry with her. I understand she didn't want me to get my clothes dirty but, i wanted to have fun. Sad and angry i didn't want to smile for the pictures the photographer did everything he could to get me to smile but i wouldn't budge. And finally he looked on the side of him and ask me if i liked the balls that were in a bin. Of course what kid wouldn't like a ball. I simply nodded my head and he said "if you smile for me I'll give you a ball" he reached inside the bin and pulled out the most beautiful red ball i have ever seen. He held on to the ball as i stretched my tiny arms out to get it he snapped the picture. He took a few more and this time i smiled. The photographer told my mother i did good he gave me a sucker and of course that red shiny ball. On our way back home i held my ball and sucker with one hand and my mother's hand with the other. I wasn't sad nor angry anymore. I looked at my mother and was happy. Im not sure what i was happy about back then but as i look back that small amount of time we shared together is the most important thing to me. Diary, I'd be lying if i said all we had were good times because life occasionally throws more than enough curve balls to send us to the nut house but I will tell you this our time we shared together has become much more meaningful to me now than it did back then. Mother's and daughter's have their typical battles I'll admit i wasn't a saint and i definitely have my flaws but the day of my senior prom was the day she recognized she raised a young lady. We weren't the richest people in the world but she worked hard to give us the things we needed to survive and put a smile on our face. I remember getting all dressed up coming out of my room she sat with her back towards me in the living room watching the television i called out to her and she slowly turned around in amazement. She stood up smiling as she approached me telling me i was beautiful. She gave me credit for the dress i had picked out on my own saying i did a good job. I was proud of myself I was only seventeen and to hear my mother say she was proud of me meant the world to me. Back then i felt grown i felt like I had some type of power. Looking back i feel much different that day, that moment, that time was just one step to us getting closer to one another it was the beginning of a deeper connection. I can go on forever about my mother trust me my family gets annoyed I talk about her so much but i really don't care. She lives in my heart and as long as my heart beats she will forever beat through me. That beautiful strong woman was not only my mother she was my best friend. When your young you think every friend you have in the world is your best friend. Well over the years I've learned that the only true friend i had was my mother. There are so many times in our lives when we experience different events and special occasions we remember who was there and shared them with us. The most special occasion in my life was the birth of my daughter. Sharing that moment with my mother was a blessing from the Lord. I know some people want to share that moment with their significant other or childs father don't get me wrong it would have been nice to share the moment with my daughters father having my mother by my side during a difficult labor took me back to that day when i was a small child and my small tiny hand held on to her's i felt safe and secure. I was twenty years old and there was not only my mother but my best friend my role model my hero my everything. I remember her fight to make sure i was alright. I remember her sitting by my bedside trying to steal just a little bit of sleep before she had to be back to work. She sacrificed her time for me by helping me get on and off of the bed pan. She truly loved me. Last night's dream was a very emotional dream. I dreamed i was moving back into one of our old houses because my father just bought the property. When i walked in there were pictures of my mother that i thought i had lost there were pictures of me as well. My heart started beat very rapidly in my dream and the tears ran down my face. Here i am forty years of age and her not being here still brings a smile and tears to my face. I love thinking about her I just hate not having her here with me. I've always heard that time heals all wounds Diary i must admit a journey through time brings me a sense of peace and comforts me. I enjoy remembering the twenty-six years i had with my mother although i wish i had more time. Our Journey together came to and end but as long as my heart beats she will continue to live through me. So Diary there's a small glimpse of what you've missed out on so far. Im sure I'll have another journey to share with you soon it may be marriage. With time we never know!