The Conversation Inside my Head

She had to make a decision. A simple yes or no. But it’s a big decision in a girl’s life; one often accompanied by questions like “why’d he break up with me?” “Is this what rock bottom feels like?” and, perhaps most importantly, “do I really want bangs or should I just go to therapy?”

Ah, yes, bangs. Every girl wants them, very few can pull them off. That’s the perception, isn’t it? And with her frizzy curls that fall right below her collarbone? Forget it, there’s no way. It’s not like she has the beauty, confidence, or stylists of Zendaya. But then again, as she thinks of her long forehead, she can’t help but smile at the thought of small wisps of black curls accompanying her single dimple on the brown skin of her face.

Bangs. Associated with the “hot-mess” phase of a girl’s life. Because, that’s what they are, right? Messy. But at the same, messy means free, whimsical, natural… And that’s what everyone wants in the end. Freedom to be their true selves: characters as free-spirited or weird as they want to be.  

Now, let’s set one thing straight: I can’t do this. No, not the bangs. I mean writing about myself in the third person. It’s weird and a little presumptuous, don’t you think? Now, where were we…

           Right, so bangs. It’s been the conversation inside my head for quite a while. Which, as aforementioned, raised a couple of questions. First, the infamous “bangs after getting dumped.” No, that’s not what this is. I’ve been single for too long for that to be the explanation. Second, rock bottom. I am a college student. That, well, it warrants a much longer conversation to determine whether or not I’ve hit rock bottom.

           College most certainly is not the lowest point in my life thus far. Since coming to college, I have worked greatly toward freeing myself of the shackles of insecurity, anxiety, and a lack of confidence. That being said, these are lifelong efforts, and I know that. I am a ways away from rock bottom. In fact, I would say that I’ve had the best year of my life. Still, these past few months… let’s just call them a relative low-point in the grand scheme of the past year of my life. So, to answer the second question, nope. Not the source of this desire of mine.

           To answer that final question, do I need therapy, well I’m not going to lie to you: it probably wouldn’t hurt to try. But that’s beside the point. Is why I want bangs truly linked to my mental state, or am I just hopping onto a trend? And, again, being a college student, Instagram and Pinterest have done me no favors in avoiding the inevitable cry for a fresh look.

           So, after asking myself these questions and somehow still ending up with, ‘yes! This is going to be great,’ I took the next step: I asked my friends and family. And boy did they have mixed reactions. The friends said, “go for it,” “it’ll be fine,” and they helped me pick out a few looks. The family, on the other hand, were not quite so diplomatic. “I just don’t like the look.”

           But that didn’t dissuade me. I started to think about my hairdresser. My hairdresser is tall, blonde lady who would absolutely know if bangs were the play. But not just if bangs would look good. If bangs were the right emotional choice. And because I could trust that woman to lift up my spirits almost any day I meet her. When I sit in her chair, she fills me with the confidence I think I can get from changing my hair before ever touching her scissors. Her kind words of affirmation as to my career choices, my personal choices, and, of course, my styling choices, have the power to change my life the same way a “fresh do” can. And, just like that, thinking about the potential for a much-needed confidence boost, that was it. I was going to get bangs.

So, now, with that excess amount of information about someone you absolutely did not know, I want to leave you with one final factor in my decision. Yes, I know I said I made my decision. Bangs, yay! But this factor comes down to one comment from my friend that I didn’t mention before. “If it looks good, you can post it out so everyone can see. If it looks bad, at least you won’t have to see anyone for the next 5 months.”

Ah, yes, the inescapable conversation of the month. Coronavirus. You see, while one small part of my brain couldn’t make up my mind about bangs, the other parts were stressed about the following: midterms and packing up my life to go live at home for the next 5 months away from some of the best friends I’ve ever had. Now, of course, I recognize that I am in a place of privilege: I feel blessed every day of this unprecedented crisis that I have a stable home to return to where I will be with my family.

But I watch the news, I read the articles, and I can’t help but stress over the state of this country. The administration. The economy. The hoarders. The spring-breakers and their ignorance. The lack of tests available. The employees still working. But my decision was bangs. It’s a decision made in times of distress, in times of depression, in times of hardship, has become such a mundane decision that any girl would wish to have the power to make. But it’s a choice that’s obsolete in the face of much bigger decisions. How do I keep my family safe? Who can I see?

Bangs. That’s it. She wants bangs. It’s a decision that every girl has to make at some point in their life. No, she’s not in a bad place, she didn’t just go through a bad breakup, nor did she overcome depression or anything like that. But it has been a year of self-discovery, of changes, and she was ready for one more.

Bangs. A symbol of freedom, of whimsy, of choice: a way to take control over an ever-changing world. But, as she sought to take control, the world began to spiral out of control faster than she could’ve ever imagined. Now, that symbol of freedom, of whimsy, is unattainable. The choice she had in the matter was gone. But she made a much more important one: to stay inside, let the world restore itself, and she ought not make the situation any worse than it already is.

Based on real-life events, as well as the following article:

https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2020/01/bangs-therapy-meme-breakdown-haircut-history/605341/