This Is Why People Elope

“I can see it now,” Antonio's fore fingers and thumbs on both hands framed the view from the lawn to the ocean.  “We will put an archway here.” His arms make a wide sweeping motion as he starts to walk.  The small entourage follows slowly behind.  Antonio waves his arms around to gesture at his vision.  “We’ll do a simple runner with white petals with one thousand filled seats with twenty foot ribbons flowing in the wind.  And doves of course doves.  Everything will be white.  Flowers and bows and flowers and bows. There will be white cats… everywhere.  Perhaps a white tiger.  Oooh.  I need to check if Bionca could do that for me” 

“Uh huh.” Paige McPherson was marrying the love of her life, Matt Williams.  She didn’t care about the theatrics but knew it was expected, given the family dynamic.

“Let’s see the ballroom!” Antonio exclaims walking past, and then away from the group.

“Isn’t this a bit much?” Paige whispered to her mother, Isabel. 

“A bit much? Antonio is the best.  He is on retainer for the next Kardashian wedding.  He has done two royal weddings.  And there is a rumor that he was behind the secret Jolie Pitt wedding.” Isabel was dressed head to toe in Versace, not one thing in her closet didn’t bare the popular Medusa face.  

“Matt and I were just talking about eloping.  It just seems so much more practical.”

“Don’t be silly, darling.”  Isabel twirled the thick chain hung around her neck.  Her silk head scarf blew in the wind.

Antonio was already halfway across the room when the small entourage entered the ballroom.  Although he was talking, his comments didn’t seem to be aimed at anyone.  He turned around and said, “I’ll do it!”

“Great!” Isabel responded by stepping out of the group and clapping her hands together.  “I am just dying to see what other ideas you have.”

“My retainer fee is $100,000 and I will send you the complete budget by tomorrow.  Is two million okay?  I take cash, check, or venmo.”

“Great!” Isabel repeated a little less enthusiastically this time then spunk her head and barked, “Charlie!” 

“Yes, my love,” Charlie was not a handsome man.  He stood a few inches below his wife and it seems as though no one had told him he was balding.  One thing he did have going for him is that he knew how to make money.  Lots of it. 

“We will pay the retainer,” Billy, Matt’s father, said looking down at his nails.  Billy was handsome in a George Cloony kind of way.  He was a silver fox and had a smile that sent women swooning for miles.  

Half a step behind him stood his fourth wife, Savannah.  She twirled her long blond locks around a finger and looked off into the distance.  Although no one was sure how old she was, Matt knew exactly.  She was three years his junior, and his best friend’s younger sister, which is the real reason he avoided her at all costs.  He knew her when she had cooties. 

The eighth and final person in the group was Kathy, Matt’s mother and Billy’s second wife.  Kathy had aged well, thanks to her friends Botox and Juvederm.  She was at one time an up and coming actress, but when she married Billy, her career seemed trivial.  That was a mistake.  She carried her prized possession, a Hermes Birkin bag, one of Billy’s last “I’m sorry” gifts to her. 

“I am the father of the bride.  I pay.” Charlie retorted.  This squabble had been going on before Matt and Samatha were a thing.  The two families belonged to the same country club.  There was always a fight between the McPherson family and the Williams family.  If it was not about money, it was about who was smarter, who golfed better, or who went on the most exotic vacation.  This wedding was just another way for one of them to outdo the other.

It didn’t matter to Paige who paid for the wedding.  Paige glanced at Matt as he ran his hand along the table cloth on the table next to him.  She seemed just as disinterested in this wedding as she was.

Two days later the group was back together.  “Attention please!” Antonio called out. They were around McPherson’s formal dining room, with the exception of Antonio who walked around the room as if it were a classroom or bootcamp.  There were clinks and clanks coming from the kitchen that indicated the purpose of their coming together:  food and drinks.

“We will be doing a happy hour before the ceremony.  Appetizers and an open bar directly after, while our lovely couple take photos.” Anthony looked at Paige and Matt with a large smile.  

He returned to face the group again, stoneface to finish his introduction, “Followed by a sit down dinner, where guests will be served a choice of roasted duck with tardivo radicchio and marcona almonds braise with foie gras and potato, poached lobster with rutabaga, and pear, or some veggie dish no one cares about except for people who don’t know good food if it slapped them in the face. There will be dancing of the ballroom persuasion.  Then cake.  There will be no games. No chicken dances.  None of that.  No cake to face smashing.” He gave the couple a stern look. “This is a wedding of sophistication and that is what it will be.”

“Today we are here to discuss food and beverage.” He continued. We will be finalizing the bar menu, the appetizers, what the cats will be eating, and the cake flavor.  The decoration of the cake has been decided on.  It will be a five tiered white cake with no frills except 24 carat gold flakes scattered about.”  As if by queue, seven men in tuxedos and a single plate covered by a cloche entered the dining room.  Each man stood behind one of the seats in the group.  Once all men were in place behind a chair, each server set the plate down in front of the women or man in front of them and removed the cloche, as if in a choreographed dance.

“These are the appetizers.  We have crab with finger lime and cucumber, sea urchin custard with chevil, foie gras served with a date compote, earl gray gazpacho, pacific oyster with mustard cream and mouse of pea leaves, and a reserve caviar.” Antonio sang out. 

“I must say, this foie gras is divine. But is it a little overkill to do foie gras with appetizers as well as with the main course.” Isabel asked, “We want diversity in our foods.”

“I didn’t realize we had foie gras on the menu at all,” Matt responded sternly, “What they put those poor ducks through just to get a small amount.  It’s horrible.” Paige nodded in agreement.

“Okay,” Anthony looked annoyed, “No foe grai in the appetizer. But it’s too late to remove it from the entrees so that will need to stay.”  Matt looked annoyed but he didn’t object. 

“How do we like the crab?” Antonio asked.

 “It is unappetizing.  I don’t know why the chef cut it up into such small pieces.” Kathy commented.

“It is a dungeness crab.  With how small they are, that is really the only way to do it.” Antonio called out.

“Could we do this with a king crab instead?” Kathy asked.

“Sure but it won’t be as sweet.” The annoyance was back on Antonio’s face.

“King crab in September?”  Paige asked. “Can we just find something a bit more sustainable?”

“King crab it is,” commented Charlie looking directly at Billy.  He sat between his daughter and wife, which sat him where he could follow Billy’s every move and every expression.  

“King crab it is,” Antonio repeated through a tight smile. 

“Why lime and cucumber?” Billy asked.  “Why not, say, tomatoes and lemons.”  Anthonio gritted his teeth.  They were ruining his clear vision of the perfect wedding food.

The rest of the menu picking continued like this for an hour longer and then the menu was set.  “So we have our appetizers, king crab with spinach and oranges, abalone in a liver sauce, escargot in a veloute, and caviar, just caviar.  For the bar, you all seem to know what you like, which made that discussion easy.  For the cats, more caviar and smoked salmon. Now onto cake!”

Once again, the waiters came out and did their song and dance with the plates and the cloche.  Sitting in front of each of the seven were mixes of cake. 

“This doesn't look right.” Isabel muttered. “I thought we were having a five tiered cake with gold. This is just small pieces of colored sponges”

Antonio gave a smile, “This is for the flavor inside the five tiered cake with gold.” Blank stares came from around the table. “We are inside the cake right now.”  The group nodded in understanding. “We have the classic french vanilla and dark chocolate.  For fun we have funfetti” at which Antonio wiggled a bit in mimic dance “red velvet, carrot, and plum.  With five layers and six flavors, we really just need to decide which to eliminate unless we want multiples of a single flavor.”

“Plum,” the group said in unison without taking a single bite, except for Isabell, who was half way done with the red velvet and on to the French vanilla.

Savannah excused herself to the bathroom.  “So, who is excited about the wedding?” Billy asked.  By now he was used to distracting from Savannah’s bathroom brakes directly after eating.

“So, that concludes our agenda for the day.”  Antonio says to the group as everyone else gets up. “And I look forward to seeing you at your final dress fitting tomorrow.” He said in a hushed voice directed at Paige. 

A few days later, Paige, Antonio, Kathy and Isabel, rang the bell to a nondescript building. They were greeted by smart dressed women.  When they reached their destination, they were immediately offered Dom Pergion in crystal glasses.  Paige disappeared with Antonio while the women sipped their drinks. 

“What do you think?  Does it fit like a glove or does it fit like a glove?” Paige came out from behind heavy cream colored curtains, looking like a princess. Both the mothers gasped.  Isabel nearly dropped her champagne glass.  The dress was sleeveless satin and hugged Paige perfectly and then puffed out in various asymmetrical drapes of tuel and satin.

“Darling, you look so beautiful!” Isabel chirped.

Antiono popped out of the curtains, “We had to hem it quite a bit, this cute little muffin is too short to wear any of these dresses off the rack.” he wrinkled his nose at Paige.  “By doing that and taking the skirt in quite a bit, we needed to figure out how to keep the shape of the dress without compromising fit.  Maxine is a genius.”

“Maxine?” Kathy asked.

“The seamstress.  So… Do we likey?”

“Oh yes, very much!” Isabel exclaimed. “Now can I see it with the vail.”

“I have opted to skip the vail,” Paige said.

“Skip the veil!  You must certainly have a vail.”  Isabel was nodding along with Kathy’s words.

“And not one of those short veils.  It must be long.  To the ground with lots of detail.  What do they call them,”  Isabel thought for a moment. “A cathedral veil!”

“I have just the one.” Antonio disappeared and reappeared with a large white bow and what appeared to be yards upon yards of tulle and embroidery.  After a good ten minutes of fastening the bow to Paige’s head.  He was done.  The bow dropped down around both of Paige’s ears and sprouted out tulle with embroidered flowers all around her.  

Antonio fanned out the back to reveal it trailed several feet behind her.  

“That is the one!” Isabel gasped.

“Yes, it is to die for.” Kathy exclaimed.  

Paige opened her mouth to voice her concerns, a twelve thousand dollar dress and they decided it was best hidden under this monstrosity.  But this was a losing battle.  This whole wedding was a losing battle.  Paige closed her eyes.  All her energy for this wedding was gone. Her mother reached into her Versace bag and pulled out a Black American Express.  

On the day of the wedding everything was set to go.  Everything was white, as promised.  And there were white cats everywhere, as promised.

“Are you ready for the best day of your life to begin?” Charlie looked at his daughter with pride and adjusted the bow on top of her head.

“Oh I love you daddy!” Paige exclaimed and gave him a big hug.

At that moment, Antonio separated the two, faced them toward the doors leading to the aisle, gave a big smile and pointed with his index fingers at his face.  Charlie and Paige smiled back.

The doors opened and Charlie and Paige took their first steps out into the breeze and down the aisle.