Mission 86-B (and accompanying snack break)

"Stu-pid Su-zy, did-n't want to play, said to Su-zy, don't like your face, said to Su-zy, get out the way, I got a mil-lion things to say: one, two, three, four,-"

A phone starts ringing in an unknown location. Localising sound origin, please standby while processing…. Office door spotted ahead! Super stealth mode activated, approaching with caution. 

“Five, six, seven, eight…”

“Hello? Yes, this is Mr. Dawson.”

Intercepting covert transmission! Super duper stealth mode! Get the intelligence gathering equipment! 

“Tip toe tip toe, gotta get the listening cup, gotta gotta go…”

Entering unfamiliar territory! Hit the floor! Approach with caution, remain alert. Listening cup spotted on the bottom shelf! Retrieval mission is a go, approaching the target now. No distractors are within range but we are continuing to monitor the situation.

Target acquired! Two caught in the crossfire but no significant damages to either tupperware draw or floor.

Brief detour for crackers approved. Operative cannot be expected to proceed without snacks. Crackers crumbs carefully ground into the carpet to prevent tracking by nefarious forces.

Re-entering territory. Listening cup is in place and ready to proceed with covert transmission intercept.

“... Dr…. last Tuesday….”

Listening cup has proven ineffective and a disturbance and has been dismissed from duty. Proceeding with transmission interception manually.

“… an unusual mass.”

Mass is something that space objects have. Unidentified asteroids. Meteorites. Maybe the transmitters are looking for meteorites! Maybe there are meteorites in the backyard! I need to get my shovel!

“Just that it’s some sort of foreign growth.”

Foreign objects! UFO! Extraterrestrial life forms growing on earth, sucking it dry! Extermination is imminent!

The people must be evacuated! Ready the spaceships! Prepare for blast off! I will pilot it myself, intrepid explorer of the galaxy, paving the way and-

“They didn’t want to do further testing before the biopsy because it could have been invasive. All they told us was that it was malignant and potentially metastatic.”

Invaders!

“.... How aggressive?”

Violent invaders! Rally the troops, we have to defend!

Footsteps approaching from inside the office, retreat! Retreat! Tactical retreat initiated, evasion successful, soldier unscathed except some carpet burn. Soldier will report to medical after mission success.

We cannot afford to miss these transmissions, it is vital to the survival of mankind that the invaders are intercepted. We must learn their weaknesses. Re-approaching the target, super duper extra stealth mode has been activated under emergency circumstances.

“It can’t be resistant to everything.”

They’re bringing in extra defences! Shielders and drones! Extra battalions!

“Is there anything else available to contain the spread?”

They’re already here! The atmosphere has been breached, opponents rapidly approaching! Inform all battle stations, ready the blasters! 

No time for stealth! There’s an army on their way and they’re gonna be hear whether we slam the door or not!

Stationed for battle and ready to fight the alien invasion! Procuring blaster now!

Mayday, mayday! Blasters are not in their stations! They must have been moved to long term storage - we have become too complacent in our time of peace.

Entering dangerous territory to locate blasters. The monitor does not seem to be stationed here currently but we must remain aware of the possibility that she could appear any time.

Opening creaky doors, proceeding with caution, but this may be it, the monitor may catch us here and it will be game over. If this is to be the end of the mission, it has been an honour.

There! Atop the highest peak, the blasters! Disassembled and kept out of reach! We have allowed nefarious forces to tamper with our weaponry!

Two rooms away to a kitchen chair that can be used to access the blasters, super strength activated for chair transportation! Carpet is no match for my pushing abilities! 

Up up and away, get out of here stupid towels, don't you know we've got a war to win!

Mayday, mayday! Ammunition is out of reach! It may be necessary to bring the whole place down to get access. Clearance needed for top shelf access.

Roger that, clearance received. Readying the charges! One, two, fire in the hole! Ammunition acquired, all soldiers unharmed. Towels have been dispersed.

Stand by while blasters are readied. Assistance is usually called in for this bit but we'll make do. Umm, I think the pin goes here- nooo, over here, um- there! Blasters assembled and ready for action!

"Carter! What are you doing?!"

"DAD!" My arms wrap around his legs, blaster banging into the back of his knees. I giggle when he almost falls over on top of me. "I'm going to fight the alien invasion! Pow pow pow, bang, bang!"

“Why would you - you know that those toys were in time out for a reason.” 

Sometimes adults are just so silly. He was the one just talking to ground control about the incoming UFOs! I try to convey the urgency to him through the frequency of my wiggling. “But Dad! The meter-tastic invaders are coming! We’ve got to stop the spread before they infect the whole planet!”  I need lasers! Zap! They don't stand a chance!"

Dad’s forehead crinkles in the middle like it does when he’s reading the newspaper and complaining about the people who don’t ever seem to know what they’re doing and never learn. But then the wrinkles go away and his chin goes all soft and squishy like an old gross plum. Maybe Dad is an old gross plum. 

"That's right bud.” He kneels down. I have to move my blasters out of the way so they don’t get squashed. “You're going to fight the alien invaders and you're going to beat them all up. They don't stand a chance against you."

“But that means I need lasers.” It’s just a ‘matter all facts’ sort of thing, like Mummy always says.

He does a weird mix of shaking his head and nodding while smiling and maybe crying a little bit and still looking like an old gross plum. “We’ll see what we can scrounge up in the garage. If lasers are what it takes to win this then by God, we’ll get you lasers."