beside me all along

Beside me all along by Emonie Smith 

Trigger, gay

Monday morning was a blurry memory, all I know was that I somehow made it to school. I hardly slept last night. I came to school for one person in mind. My eyes are searching the crowd to find him. Him as in my best friend, Damon. Damon has been in my life for as long as I can remember. When I picture Damon, I think about my favorite song on repeat at our favorite spot, the beach. I knew my feelings for him runs deeper than friendship for a while now. When I finally see him by his 2003 buick and I quickly make my way over. Damon was a short African American child who often wore baggy clothes that never fit him. Damon has these big hazel eyes that I seem to never get enough of and a faded that showed off his gorgeous jaw line. Damon and these beautiful full lip that practically begs me to kiss them. Damon smiled at me when he saw me making my way over. I would do anything for him to keep smiling at me like that. 

"Hey my dude. Where have you been all weekend?" Damon asked while raising his fist for a fist bump. I cant honestly tell him that I was avoiding him because I was having a middle life crisis. Is it a middle life crisis when you're only in high school? Ah, who cares? I bumped him back.

"I had homework to catch up on. You know how my parents get if I slack on my grades. No thanks to you." I said jokingly. I mean I cant tell him the real reason yet. We starting to get inside his car for our usually wake and bake. Damon and I been smoking since freshman year when he caught me rolling up a Jay at the park.

"I heard that you and Sasha was back together." I told Damon. Wondering if it was true or not. I'm not sure why i even asked. My heart is beating so fast while waiting for his answer. I know the reason why, I'm just not ready to accept it. I'm already breaking down the erb as he bussed open the gar. I'm jealous of his Ex-Girlfriend, Sasha had him wrapped around her pretty little finger. I dont blame her, Damon was a great catch. Sasha was the head cheerleader of our high school and Damon was the quarterback. She and Damon were the 'power couple'.

"Nah, we officially over now. She cheated on me with my cousin. Can you believe that trick?! After all I done for our relationship to work. She says a big eff you and sleeps with my fucking cousin, bro. " He growled while licking the gar. I know that he's mad but I cant stop staring at his lips. The way he preps the gar to be rolled is always an sensually experience. It's like he makes love to the blunt with his lips. I'm totally spacing out. Sasha is no longer in the picture and that makes me smile. We are pulling out of the high school's parking lot and heading to our favorite spot.

"Nick, are you even listening? I said hand me the erb, stupid lol." Damon said with a chuckle. "You know been spaced out more than ever. Do you want to talk about anything?" He asked me. I handed him the broken down erb but said nothing. I just shook my head. Damon knows me like the back of his hand. He knows I will tell him later. He nods and sparked the blunt. Something about smoking with Damon has always been freeing. Its a judgement free zone with him.

We were chilling by the beach when I worked up the courage to tell Damon what's really on my mind.

"Damon, I think I might be gay." I said once the blunt was done. Damon didn't say anything at first. It was just silence for a second. I take a deep breathe. "I said, I think that I'm gay Damon." Maybe this is the moment our friendship ends. Maybe this is the moment Damon beats me for being who I am. Maybe-

Before I can think of another reason why he would hate me. He grabbed my hand.

"Come on little Nicky, who do you think you are talking to? I knew you were gay before you knew you were gay." He said with a smile. "I always knew." Damon rub his fingers over my hand and gripped it. Nothing more needed to be said in this moment.

"Remember that time you wanted that stuffed animal at the carnival a few years back? How you cried that you spend all your money trying to get it? " Damon ask me fondly. I chuckled, how can I forget. Damon all but tackle the man running the carnival's booth. Damon was claiming the booth was rigged and he was going to tell everyone how he rips off children if he doesnt give me the stuffed animal I wanted.

"Yes, how can I forget. You were a crazy lunatic child. You always protected me in the face of trouble." I grinned right back.

"Remember when you were lost after storming out of your parent's house because they took your XBox. How you somehow found your way to my house in the middle of a snow storm?" I said with a smile curling around my lips.

"I'm pretty sure we had to cuddle for an hour straight to get me warm again." Damon said. Damon turned to face me now. Looking at me like he's truly seeing me. Our hand are still together and he pulls me closer. So close that our lips were inches apart.

"Remember that time that we kissed?" Damon asked while looking at my lips. I shake my head that I dont remember that kiss. He grabs the back of my head, closing the space between our lips. It was like everything was finally making sense. Nothing else mattered in this moment. I am where I belong, with Damon. I pulled him closer, afraid that if I let go it wont be real. Our hands are in each other's hair and we can't tell where Damon begins and where I end. We are one. Nothing more than people in love.

We were Damon and Nicky or Nicky and Damon. What I wanted was beside me all along.